Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[WOODMAN]

God and Mother Teresa were sitting down to dinner in Heaven, and God had made tuna fish sandwiches for them. Mother Teresa looked down, and noticed that the denizens of Hell were feasting on lobster thermidor, steak diane, and baked alaska. She said to God "I'm not complaining, mind you, but why are we eating tuna fish while they are getting all that down there?" God said "seeing as how it's only the two of us, I didn't bother to cook."

 

[santafejoe]

Cowboy rules for:
Arizona, Texas, Oklahoma, Colorado, New Mexico, Wyoming, Montana, Utah, Nebraska, Idaho, and the rest of the Wild West are as follows:

1. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Turn your cap right, your head ain't crooked.

3. Let's get this straight: it's called a 'gravel road.' I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're gonna get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

4. They are cattle. That's why they smell like cattle. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-10 & I-40 go east and west, I-17 & I-15 goes north and south. Pick one and go.

5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 Combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

6. Every person in the Wild West waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of geese/pheasants/ducks/doves are comin' in during a hunt, we WILL shoot it outta your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. Yeah. We eat trout, salmon, deer and elk. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

10. We open doors for women. That's applied to all women, regardless of age.

11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak, or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham and turkey.

12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh, yeah ... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!

13. You bring 'Coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

14. College and High School Football is as important here as the Giants, the Yankees, the Mets, the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.

15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards - it spooks the fish.

16. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers! Refer back to #1!

 

[SC_Hoaty]

 

[pidgiepoo]

How do you know when you're staying in a Redneck motel?
When you call the front desk and say,
" I gotta leak in my sink, and the clerk replies .........
"Go ahead."

A Redneck passed away and left his entire
Estate to his beloved widow . ....
But she can't touch it 'till she's 14.

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum
Drinking age for Rednecks to 32 ???
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you hear about the $3 million Redneck Lottery ?
The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.

---------- Post added August 7th, 2013 at 03:35 AM ----------

> A bus stops and two elderly Italian men get on. They sit down and engage
> in an animated conversation.
>
> The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is
> galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
>
> Emma come first.
>
> Den I come.
>
> Den two asses come together.
>
> I come once-a-more! ..
>
> Two asses, they come together again.
>
> I come again and pee twice.
>
> Then I come one lasta time.'
>
> The lady can't take this anymore, "You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!"
> She retorted indignantly.
>
> 'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex
> lives!"
>
> Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Whooza talkin' about sex? I'm a
> justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '..
>
> $5.00 says you're gonna read this again!

 

[ScubaSteve]

This is likely a repeat but I think it is funny enough to read again......

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.

In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he’d be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he’d been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which was worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for more than three decades she had ‘charged’ him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, ‘If I’d had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!’

That’s when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don’t know when to keep their mouths shut

 

[nefiii]

Haha.

Sent from my SCH-I605 using Tapatalk 4

 

[pidgiepoo]

THE TOILET SEAT

> My wife, Julie,
> had been after me for several weeks to revarnish
> the wooden seat on
> our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it
> while Julie was out.
> After finishing, I left to take
> care of
> another
> matter before she returned.
> She came in and undressed to take a
> shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on
> the
> toilet.
> As she
> tried to
> stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry
> epoxy paint had glued
> her to the toilet seat.
> About that time, I got home and realized
> her predicament.
> We both pushed and pulled without any success
> whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the
> toilet seat
> bolts.
> Julie wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to
> the hospital emergency room.
> The ER Doctor got her into a
> position where he could study how to free her
> (Try to get a mental
> picture of this.).
> Julie tried to lighten the embarrassment of it
> all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet
> you've never
> seen
> anything like this before."
> The Doctor replied,
> "Actually, I've seen lots of
> them......
> I just never saw one
> mounted and framed."

---------- Post added August 14th, 2013 at 02:36 AM ----------

> DIALOGUE BETWEEN A LADY INTERVIEWER WITH A MALE BEER DRINKER:
>
>
> Lady Interviewer: Do you drink every day?
>
>
> Man: Yes.
>
>
> Lady Interviewer: How much a day?
>
>
> Man: Around 3 six-packs starting at noon.
>
>
> Lady Interviewer: How much does a 6-pack cost?
>
>
> Man: Roughly $10.00 at a deli.
>
>
> Lady Interviewer: And how long have you been drinking like that?
>
>
> Man: 15 years.
>
>
> Lady Interviewer: So with a six-pack costing $10.00, and you consuming 3
> six-packs a day, you are spending roughly $900 each month. In one year,
> you would then be spending $10,800, correct?
>
>
> Man: Correct.
>
>
> Lady Interviewer: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 on beer, not accounting
> for inflation, 15 years puts your spending roughly $162,000; correct?
>
>
> Man: Correct.
>
>
> Lady Interviewer: Did it ever occur to you that if you did not drink for
> the last 15 years, you could have bought a Ferrari?
>
>
> Man: Do you drink?
>
>
> Lady Interviewer: No.
>
>
> Man: So where's your Ferrari?

 

[JohnoAU]

It's not about the nail!
[video=youtube;-4EDhdAHrOg]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg[/video]

 

[nefiii]

LOL, so listening is the secret!

Sent from my SCH-I605 using Tapatalk 4

 

[SC_Hoaty]

Husband takes the wife to a disco.
There's a guy on the dance floor living it large - break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works.
The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy?
25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
Husband says: "WOW!..looks like he’s still celebrating!!!