Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[sassyalice]

I just found this thread and had to read before I added to it.

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I'm glad to see you've regained
consciousness. You probably won't remember, but you were in a huge
pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and
everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't
find it".

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance
compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new
penis.

They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch".

The man perks up.

"So", the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want.

I understand that you've been married for over forty years and this is
something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher
before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you
had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five
incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a
role in helping you make a decision".

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day and asks, "So, have you spoken with
your wife"?

"Yes I have", says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision"?

"Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision"? asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite countertops".

 

[sassyalice]

Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers















They include:

Bobby Darin ---
Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash


Herman's Hermits ---
Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker


Ringo Starr ---
I Get By With A Little Help From Depends
?

The Bee Gees -- -
How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?


Roberta Flack---
The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face?
?


Johnny Nash ---
I Can't See Clearly Now.?


Paul Simon---
Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver


The Commodores ---
Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom



Procol Harem---
A Whiter Shade Of Hair?


Leo Sayer --- You Make Me Feel Like Napping


The Temptations --- Papa's Got A Kidney Stone



Abba---
Denture Queen
"You haven't seen my teeth have you Wilma?

Tony Orlando ---
Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall


Helen Reddy ---
I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore


Leslie Gore---
It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To


And Last but NOT least...
Willie Nelson ---
On the Commode Again

 

[sassyalice]

A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says,
'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago....'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times....'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied,
'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps.
'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal

 

[sassyalice]

Subject: Fw: Gary Coleman's casket; . . . even has his name on it!!!..

 

[sassyalice]

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Calgary, Alberta, while awaiting their respective flights. One is a native Indian from the Sarcee Reserve, another is a cowboy on his way to Lethbridge for a livestock auction. The third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at the University of Calgary from the Middle East .

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Albertans learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull. The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping, but still no plane comes.

To break the silence, the Indian clears his throat and softly speaks:
"At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward: "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"

The Alberta cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl: "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet . . . but I do believe it's a-comin'."

 

[sassyalice]

The Pope and Gordon Campbell (This is my politician... use your own) are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Mr. Campbell and said, "Do you know that with one little movement of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like those believers in your 2010 Olympics, but go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Campbell replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me"

So the Pope backhanded the bastard.

 

[sassyalice]

MY LIVING WILL


Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them,
'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and
fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'


They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.


They’re such assholes ...

 

[sassyalice]

There is no fix for stupid ...

I could have sworn I hit the brake pedal!
Car upside down in the bay - see guy standing on it? Call out the wrecker!

Coming back up...coming...coming

Coming...almost there!

Ooops!

I could have sworn I set the brakes on that truck ! Time to get a Bigger Wrecker!

Ok, we got the car...let's get the other wrecker now!

O...O...oohhh No!!

Who's gonna explain this one to the insurance guys?

SEE...your day has not been so bad after all...

 

[sassyalice]

> A very large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a Bar in
> Dublin . She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit, as she
> pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, 'What man here will
> buy a lady a drink?'
>
> The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end
> of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and
> bellowed ' "Give the ballerina a drink!'
>
> The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to
> the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same
> hairy armpit, and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'
>
> Once again, the same drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, 'Give
> the ballerina another drink!'
>
> The bartender approached the little drunk and said 'Tell me, Paddy, it's
> your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep
> calling her a ballerina?'
>
> The drunk replied, 'Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a
> ballerina!'

 

[sassyalice]

Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity


A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account


A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived


And, if you had a 3" floppy...



You just hoped nobody ever found out!