Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[sassyalice]

> 1. One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his
>Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he
>shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It
>depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled
>back, " University of Oklahoma."
> And they say blondes are dumb...
>
> 2. A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make
>you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss
>you.."
>
> 3. "It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he
>stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors
>would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married
>you for your money," she replied.
>
> 4. He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said -
>That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on
>the sofa and fart.
>
> 5. Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive
>man?
> A: A rumor
>
> 6. A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their
>40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to
>them and said that because they had been so good that each one of
>them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the
>world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise
>tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion 30 years
>younger... Whoosh..immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that
>fairy!
>
> 7. A PRAYER....
> Dear Lord,
> I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
> Love to forgive him;
> And Patience for his moods.
> Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
> I'll beat him to death.
> AMEN
>
> 8. Q: Why do little boys whine?
> A: They are practicing to be men.
>
> 9. Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
> A: Trustworthy.
>
> 10. Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for
>breath and calling your name?
> A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
>
> 11. Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after
>mating?
> A: To stop the snoring before it starts.
>
> 12. Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
> A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
>
> 13. Q: What is the difference between men and women?
> A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man
>wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
>
> 14. Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
> A: Rename it Instruction Manual

 

[sassyalice]

Dear Diary,
>
> Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those
> expensive double pane energy efficient kind. But today I got a call
> from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the
> work had been completed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them.
>
> Hellloooo? Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am
> automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales
> guy had told ME last year...namely, that in just ONE YEAR these
>windows
> would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! There was only
> silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up....
> He didn't call back. Guess I won that stupid argument.

 

[sassyalice]

True Friendship

Are you tired of those sissy-ass "friendship" poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship:

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.

7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

9. This is my oath..... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask; "because you are my friend".

Send this to 10 of your closest friends, then get depressed because you can only think of 4.

Remember.......A good friend will help you move.....a REALLY good friend will help you move a body.......let me know if you ever need me to bring a shovel.

 

[sassyalice]

I know this is naughty but it still makes you smile. later...........
> THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD
>
> Well, it's **** .. that's right, ****!
> **** may just be the most functional word in the English
>language.
>
> Consider:
> You can get ****-faced, Be ****-out-of-luck, Or have **** for
>brains.
>
> With a little effort, you can get your **** together, find a
>place
>for your ****, or be asked to **** or get off the pot.
>
> You can smoke ****, buy ****, sell ****, lose ****, find ****,
>forget ****,
> And tell others to eat ****.
>
> Some people know their ****, while others can't tell the
>difference
> Between **** and shineola.
>
> There are lucky ****s, dumb ****s, and crazy ****s. There is
>bull
>****, horse ****, and chicken ****.
>
> You can throw ****, sling ****, catch ****, shoot the ****, or
>duck when the **** hits the fan.
>
> You can give a **** or serve **** on a shingle.
>
> You can find yourself in deep **** or be happier than a pig in
>****.
>
> Some days are colder than ****, some days are hotter than ****,
> And some days are just plain ****ty.
>
> Some music sounds like ****, things can look like ****, and
>there
>are times when you feel like ****.
>
> You can have too much ****, not enough ****, the right ****, the
>wrong **** or a lot of weird ****.
>
> You can carry ****, have a mountain of ****, or find yourself up
>**** creek without a paddle.
>
> Sometimes everything you touch turns to **** and other times you
>fall in a bucket of **** and come out smelling like a rose.
>
>
> When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building
>block of the English language.
>
> And remember, once you know your ****, you don't need to know
>anything else!!
>
> You could pass this along, if you give a ****; or not do so if
>you
>don't give a ****!
>
> Well, ****, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know
>that
>I do give a **** and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of ****.
>But,
>if you happened to catch a load of **** from some ****-head...........
> Well, **** Happens!!!

 

[sassyalice]

Q:

How many women with PMS does it take to change a light
bulb?










Woman'sAnswer:

One!
ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY?

because no one else in this freak'n house knows HOW to change a freak'n light bulb!

They don't even know that the freak'n bulb is BURNED OUT!!

They would sit in the dark for THREE freak'n DAYS before they figured it out.

And,

once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the god damned light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS!

But if they did, by some miracle of God,
actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the freak'n chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would
STILL BE IN THE SAME freak'n SPOT!!!!!

AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES
OUT THE GARBAGE!!!!

IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED
FROM THE FREAK'N PILES OF GARBAGE THAT
ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE FREAK'N HOUSE!!
IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE!
AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES
THE FREAK'N TOILET PAPER ROLL !!

I'm sorry.
What was the question

 

[sassyalice]

Tough Love vs. Spanking


Most of America's population think its improper to spank children,

so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of "those moments."


One that I found effective is for me to just take the child

for a car ride and talk.


They usually calm down and stop misbehaving

after our car ride together.


I've included a photo below of one of my sessions

with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.


Sincerely,

A Friend

 

[sassyalice]

> Subject: next life
>
>
> I want to live my next life backwards!
>
> You start out dead and get that out of the way
> right off the bat.
>
> Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better
> every day.
>
> Next you get kicked out of the home for
> being too healthy.
>
> You spend several years enjoying your
> retirement and collecting benefit checks.
>
> Then when you start work, you get a gold watch
> on your first day.
>
> You work 40 years or so, getting younger every
> day until pretty soon you're too young to work.
>
> So you go to high school: play sports, date,
> drink, and party.
>
> As you get even younger, you become a kid again.
> You go to elementary school, you play, and have no
> responsibilities.
>
> In a few years you become a baby and
> everyone runs themselves ragged keeping
> you happy.
>
> You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully
> in luxury spa-like conditions: central heating,
> room service on tap.
>
> Until finally . . .. . . You finish off as an orgasm

 

[sassyalice]

A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?"
>
> "I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob.
>
> "Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade."

 

[sassyalice]

> After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
>
> The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one..
>
> The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
>
> The guy from Molson Canadian sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
> The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Molson's?"
>
> The Molson Canadian president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

 

[sassyalice]

> One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Labatt Blue. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverages, three flies landed in each of their pints.
>
> The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing happened. The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!"