Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here
- Thread starter sandshaker
- Start date
Please register or login
Welcome to ScubaBoard, the world's largest scuba diving community. Registration is not required to read the forums, but we encourage you to join. Joining has its benefits and enables you to participate in the discussions.
Benefits of registering include
- Ability to post and comment on topics and discussions.
- A Free photo gallery to share your dive photos with the world.
- You can make this box go away
pidgiepoo
Contributor
Childbirth at 65
>
> With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a
> 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When
> she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went
> to visit.
>
> 'May I see the new baby?' I asked
>
> 'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and
> we can visit for a while first.'
>
> Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the
> new baby now?'
>
> 'No, not yet,' She said.
>
> After another few minutes had elapsed,
>
> I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'
>
> 'No, not yet,' replied my friend.Growing very
> impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'
> 'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.'WHEN HE
> CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he
> CRIES?' 'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM,
> O.K.?!'
>
>
> With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a
> 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When
> she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went
> to visit.
>
> 'May I see the new baby?' I asked
>
> 'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and
> we can visit for a while first.'
>
> Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the
> new baby now?'
>
> 'No, not yet,' She said.
>
> After another few minutes had elapsed,
>
> I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'
>
> 'No, not yet,' replied my friend.Growing very
> impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'
> 'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.'WHEN HE
> CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he
> CRIES?' 'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM,
> O.K.?!'
>
It was not turning out to be the best day of Particia Whack's career at the bank. She was sitting at her desk, peering over a loan application form, which had seemingly been filled out by the frog sitting in the chair opposite her.
"It seems that you have no job or source of income," she pointed out.
"Ribbit," replied the frog.
"And no credit history to speak of," she added.
"Ribbit," replied the frog.
"And you haven't listed any capital or assets," she went on.
"Ribbit," replied the frog.
"In the circumstances, I am not sure what you could offer us as collateral for the loan," she said.
The frog paused, and then went into a bag which was on the chair next to him. He pulled a small ceramic pink elephant on a plastic base and pushed it across the desk to Patricia.
Patricia looked at the item, unimpressed.
"Well, thank you very much. Is there anything else you would like to tell us before we consider your application?"
"Ribbit. My Dad is Mick Jagger," said the frog.
"Excuse me, your father is Mick Jagger," replied Patricia?
"Ribbit. My Dad is Mick Jagger," said the frog.
At this stage Patricia was wishing that she had called in sick today.
"Alright, I will just have to confer with my manager," she told the frog.
She picked up the pink elephant and left the room via a side door and went into her manager's office.
"Excuse me, sir, but a have a frog making a loan application. He seems to have no assets or income, and all he has offered for collateral is this," she said, holding up the pink elephant. "Also, he says that his father is Mick Jagger."
The bank manager took his glasses off and lay them on the desk and then rubbed his eyes. A slightly awkward silence followed.
"What exactly is that thing, sir?" asked Patricia to break the silence.
The bank manager sighed.
"It's a knick-knack Patti Whack; give the frog a loan.
His old man's a rolling a stone."
"It seems that you have no job or source of income," she pointed out.
"Ribbit," replied the frog.
"And no credit history to speak of," she added.
"Ribbit," replied the frog.
"And you haven't listed any capital or assets," she went on.
"Ribbit," replied the frog.
"In the circumstances, I am not sure what you could offer us as collateral for the loan," she said.
The frog paused, and then went into a bag which was on the chair next to him. He pulled a small ceramic pink elephant on a plastic base and pushed it across the desk to Patricia.
Patricia looked at the item, unimpressed.
"Well, thank you very much. Is there anything else you would like to tell us before we consider your application?"
"Ribbit. My Dad is Mick Jagger," said the frog.
"Excuse me, your father is Mick Jagger," replied Patricia?
"Ribbit. My Dad is Mick Jagger," said the frog.
At this stage Patricia was wishing that she had called in sick today.
"Alright, I will just have to confer with my manager," she told the frog.
She picked up the pink elephant and left the room via a side door and went into her manager's office.
"Excuse me, sir, but a have a frog making a loan application. He seems to have no assets or income, and all he has offered for collateral is this," she said, holding up the pink elephant. "Also, he says that his father is Mick Jagger."
The bank manager took his glasses off and lay them on the desk and then rubbed his eyes. A slightly awkward silence followed.
"What exactly is that thing, sir?" asked Patricia to break the silence.
The bank manager sighed.
"It's a knick-knack Patti Whack; give the frog a loan.
His old man's a rolling a stone."
The Anchor
Contributor
21 Economic Models explained with Cows
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have 2 cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd muliplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
SURREALISM
You have 2 giraffes.
The government requires that you take harmonica lessons.
AN AMERICAL CORPORATION
You have 2 cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have 2 cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have 2 cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have 2 cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have 2 cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have 2 cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have 2 cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of Vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have 2 cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have 2 cows.
You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have 2 cows.
Both are mad.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy.
AN AUSTRAILIAN CORPORATION
You have 2 cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have 2 cows.
The one of the left looks very attractive
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have 2 cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd muliplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
SURREALISM
You have 2 giraffes.
The government requires that you take harmonica lessons.
AN AMERICAL CORPORATION
You have 2 cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have 2 cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have 2 cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have 2 cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have 2 cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have 2 cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have 2 cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of Vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have 2 cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have 2 cows.
You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have 2 cows.
Both are mad.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy.
AN AUSTRAILIAN CORPORATION
You have 2 cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have 2 cows.
The one of the left looks very attractive
wstein
Contributor
nice.hehehehe
The Anchor
Contributor
THE DONKEY RAFFLE
Young Chuck, moved to Texas and bought a
Donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the
Donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but
I have some bad news, the donkey died.'
Chuck replied,
'Well, then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said,
'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Chuck said,
'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked,
'What ya gonna do with him?
Chuck said,
'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said,
'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
Chuck said,
'Sure I can Watch me.. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with
Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
Chuck said,
'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00.'
The farmer said,
'Didn't anyone complain?'
Chuck said,
'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'
Chuck now works for the government.
ScubaSteve
Wow.....what a DB
:lol: Now that is perfect. I have to remember that.
Similar threads
