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[pidgiepoo]

The Parrot


A young man named John received a parrot as an early Christmas gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word
out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently
saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he
could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John
was
fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook
the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and shoved
him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then
suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a
minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the
freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms
and said 'I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and
actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions
and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and
unforgivable behavior.'

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about
to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his
behavior, the bird continued....
........'May I inquire as to what the turkey did?'

Happy Thanksgiving to all!!

 

[pidgiepoo]

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute, love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'

'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting i nto the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those
boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,
'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'



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[m3830431]

touche'

 

[sandmanz32]

that takes a pair of brass ones!

 

[sandshaker]

hey everybody!!!! long Time No Read....... =-)


these guyz jus crack me up!!!!!!!! YouTube - Whose line is it anyway - Props + Credits

 

[wstein]

welcome back sandy

 

[pidgiepoo]

Subject: Fwd: FW: Only A Mom Would Know

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe 2
1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident. Someone had given
me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite
toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I
brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several
cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My
Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea,
because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough,
here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches
him drink it up. Then she says, (as only a mother would know... 'Did
it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is
the toilet?'

 

[m3830431]

A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says: "No way. I don't think you can pay for it."

The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"

The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risque."

"Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.

The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.

"Money or another miracle else no drink", says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.

The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy."

"Not so", says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."

 

[pidgiepoo]

The Game Warden






A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm.






He stopped and asked the boy, 'Where did you get that turkey?'






The boy replied, 'What turkey?'






The game warden said, 'That turkey you're carrying under your arm.'






The boy looks down and said, 'Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!'






The game warden said, 'Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you.


If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?'


The little boy said, 'I guess I'll just kiss his ass and let him go!'

 

[mike_s]

A warden walks up to a fly fisherman with a cooler full of fish in a Catch & Release area.

The warden says,"You know...it's illegal to keep those fish you caught?"

The fisherman answers, "I didn't catch those, they're my pet fish, I bring them down here from home once a day so they can swim around and when I whistle they come back and jump in the cooler and I take them back home".

The warden says, " I don't believe it".

So the fisherman gets the game warden help him carry the cooler back down to the water and dumps the cooler and the fish go for a swim.

After a few minutes the warden says, "Well..when are you going to whistle to bring the fish back?"

The fisherman says,"What fish are you talking about?!?!?!"

The Game Warden says "you know what fish I'm talking about. I'm going to write you a ticket".

The fisherman said... well you're gonna look mighy funny in court explaining this in front of your other officers how you helped me carry the cooler of fish back down to the water for me to take my fish for a swim....

He got away without a ticket.