Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[pidgiepoo]

Subject: Apartment Rent





> A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend
>
> the night with her for $500. They did their thing,
>
> and, before he left, he told her that he did
>
> not have any cash with him, but he would have his
>
> secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling
>
> the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'
>
>
>
> On the way to the office, he started having regrets about
>
> what he had done. Realizing that the whole event had not been
>
> worth the price, he had his secretary send a check
>
> for $250 and enclose the following typed note:
>
>
>
> 'Dear Madam:
>
> Enclosed please find a check in the amount of $250 for rent
>
> of your apartment. Please note that I am not sending the amount
>
> agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under
> the
>
> impression that:
>
>
>
> #1 - it had never been occupied;
>
> #2 - there was plenty of heat; and
>
> #3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
>
>
>
> However, upon occupancy I found that:
>
> #1 - it had been previously occupied,
>
> #2 - there wasn't any heat, and
>
> #3 - it was entirely too large.'
>
>
>
> Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned
>
> the check for $250 with the following note:
>
> ' Dear Sir:
>
> #1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a
>
> beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
>
> #2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you
>
> know how to operate the thermostat.
>
> #3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of
>
> regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture
>
> to fill it, please do not blame the management.
>
>
>
> So, in closing, please send the agreed upon rent in full or
>
> we will be forced to contact your present landlady.'
>

 

[Hockeynut]

 

[Deefstes]

 

[pidgiepoo]

Understanding Engineers Take One

Two engineering students crossing the campus when one said, "Where did you get
such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along
yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike.
She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what
you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes
probably wouldn't have fit."

Understanding Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half
empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Take Three (Engineer in Heaven)

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St.. Peter checks His dossier
and says, "Ah, you're an engineer-you're in the wrong place." So the engineer
reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets
dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and
building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush
toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God
calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So,
how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great.
We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no
telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What???
You've got an engineer? That's a mistake! He should never have gotten down
there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the
staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU
going to get a lawyer?"

 

[pidgiepoo]

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if yo ur daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****tin' me?
__________________________ ____________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you ****tin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death doou suppose terminated it?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
&n bsp;_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.. Would you like to rephrase that?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p. m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh..are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patie nt was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: &np; No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

 

[pidgiepoo]

Mortgage Backed Securities are like boxes of chocolates. Criminals on Wall Street stole a few chocolates from the boxes and replaced them with turds. Their criminal buddies at Standard & Poor rated these boxes AAA Investment Grade chocolates. These boxes were then sold all over the world to investors. Eventually somebody bites into a turd and discovers the crime. Suddenly nobody trusts American chocolates anymore worldwide.

Hank Paulson now wants the American taxpayers to buy up and hold all these boxes of turd-infested chocolates for $700 billion dollars until the market for turds returns to normal. Meanwhile, Hank's buddies, the Wall Street criminals who stole all the good chocolates are not being investigated, arrested, or indicted.

Mama always said: 'Sniff the chocolates first Forrest'.

 

[pidgiepoo]

A couple has a dog who snores. . Really snores.
>
> Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if
> he can help.
>
> The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's privates and he
> will stop snoring.
>
> "Yeah right!" she says.
>
> A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual.
>
> The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep.
>
> Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red
> ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's privates.
>
> Sure enough, the dog stops snoring!
>
> The woman is amazed!
>
> Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking
> with his buddies.
>
> He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly.
>
> The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him.>
> So she goes to the closet a gain, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it
> around her husband's jewels.
>
> Amazingly, it also works on him.
>
> The woman sleeps soundly.
>
> He wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom.
>
> As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a
> blue ribbon attached to his privates.
>
> He is very confused and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red
> ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.
>
> He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where
> we were, or, what we did, but, by God, we took first and second place."

 

[m3830431]

There was a blond a brunette, and a red-head and they were walking down the street.
A short man came up to them and said: in that castle there is a magic mirror, if u look into the mirror and tell the truth you will be granted any wish you please, but if you lie you will be banished into the mirror forever
The girls went to the castle and the red-head went in first shhe said:
I think I am the prettiest out of the blond and the brunette, she got a pot of silver.
Next the brunette went in she said:
I think I am the smartest out of the red-head and the blond, she got a new car.
The blond went in to try her luck she walked up to the mirror and said:
I think...
She was vanished into the mirror forever.

 

[mavdog]

A husband comes home from work and finds his wife rubbing lotion on her breasts. He asks " What are you doing? " She says the lotion is supposed to make her breast bigger to which he replies "Maybe you should try toilet paper, look what its done to your a$$."

 

[m3830431]

A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar.
They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

The others agree that sounds like a good place.

Then the American says, "Yeah,that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink."

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Irishman says, "You think that's great? Where I come from in Dublin, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"

"No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister!"