Why is Tigger dirty?
Cause he is always playing with Pooh!
Cause he is always playing with Pooh!
Post your funny/clean jokes here...
- Thread starter SteveDiver
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Taniwha
Guest
That's bad!scubapolly:
OK, two drunks leave the bar, and they are really, really hammered! They wander around for awhile until they pass out. A few hours later, the drunks wake up and find that it's the dead of night, and they are lying on the ice for as far around as they can see. So, they panic!
"Oh no," cries one of the drunk men! "We're lost on the ice. We're doomed!" The other drunk tries to think, "Wait!" he says. "We can survive for awhile if we cut a hole in the ice and catch some fish." "What can we use to cut a hole in the ice?" "I know, take off your belt and use your belt buckle to chip at the ice," suggests the second drunk. So the first drunk peels off his belt and begins chipping away.
Suddenly a loud, deep voice thunders down from the sky on the two drunk men, "Do not bother cutting through that ice!" the voice booms. "There are no fish under the ice!"
"It's God!!" the men exclaim. "We're saved, we're saved! God, show us the way! Show us the way off this ice!"
"I am not God." the voice thunders. "I am the rink manager."
WaterWayne
Guest
The city slicker pulled his land yacht up to the geezer who was whittling on the courthouse square, and asked, "Say, old timer, have you lived here all your life?"
The codger replied, "Not yet."
The codger replied, "Not yet."
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died,
and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead, could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church.
But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe.
Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn`t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead, could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church.
But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe.
Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn`t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
Father O'Malley answers the phone. "Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"
"It is"
"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"
"I can"
"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"
"I do"
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"He is"
"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"
"He will".
"It is"
"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"
"I can"
"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"
"I do"
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"He is"
"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"
"He will".
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.
Yesterday, I picked up two college girls hitchhiking, we went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm telling everybody."
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.
Yesterday, I picked up two college girls hitchhiking, we went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm telling everybody."
sandshaker
Contributor
Dose Darn Norwegians!!
Two Minnesotans walk into a pet shop near Brainerd. They head to the bird
section and Sven says to Ole,"Dat's dem."
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
"Yah sure, ve'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Sven.
The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag.
Ole and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop, get into Sven's pick-up and
drive to the top of some big cliffs near Brainerd Lake.
At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks
like a grand place."
He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps
off the cliff.
Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself
dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head and
says:
"By yumpin' yiminy, dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me."
Two Minnesotans walk into a pet shop near Brainerd. They head to the bird
section and Sven says to Ole,"Dat's dem."
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
"Yah sure, ve'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Sven.
The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag.
Ole and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop, get into Sven's pick-up and
drive to the top of some big cliffs near Brainerd Lake.
At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks
like a grand place."
He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps
off the cliff.
Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself
dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head and
says:
"By yumpin' yiminy, dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me."
WaterWayne
Guest
Ole and Sven's cousin cashed in Swen's life insurance, whereupon they moved to Mexico and set up a bungee-jump operation to finance their diving. Sven's cousin, Alf, was to demonstrate the fun to the public, and jumped first. He came back with a huge welt over his eye! Ole just figured that the cord needed adjusting, and after doing so, he sent Alf back down.
This time Alf popped back up quite bruised. They tweaked the cord again, and sent poor Alf back down to advertise the fun of bungee jumping.
The third time, Alf was barely conscious -- beaten, bloodied and bruised. He barely managed to choke out, "Sven, what's a pinata?!"
This time Alf popped back up quite bruised. They tweaked the cord again, and sent poor Alf back down to advertise the fun of bungee jumping.
The third time, Alf was barely conscious -- beaten, bloodied and bruised. He barely managed to choke out, "Sven, what's a pinata?!"
WaterWayne
Guest
A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
"What's with that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock", the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
"Yup", replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.
"Watch", the drunk replied.
He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You jerk! It's three-fifteen in the morning!"
Language edited in last line to fit thread parameters.
"What's with that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock", the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
"Yup", replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.
"Watch", the drunk replied.
He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You jerk! It's three-fifteen in the morning!"
Language edited in last line to fit thread parameters.
Just got some of these over e-mail- title was WILL OFFEND EVERYONE
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts?
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because e on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this s....t"
Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts?
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because e on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this s....t"
Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
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