Penopolypants
Contributor
How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Let's go ride bikes!!!!
Let's go ride bikes!!!!
Post your funny/clean jokes here...
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Two businessmen snuck out of the office early for a quick round of mid-week golf. As they made the 5th tee box they caught up to a pair of women still clearing the fairway and followed them for 4 holes.
Finally the first man reaches his limit, "I'm going to go tell them its proper etiquette to let us play through."
After crossing about half the distance to the women he turns back and hastily retreats.
"You won't believe this," he tells his golfing partner, "One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress. You'll need to tell them to hurry it up."
The second man heads off and makes a similar turn about halfway and comes back to his partner with an embarrassed look and replies, "Small world."
Finally the first man reaches his limit, "I'm going to go tell them its proper etiquette to let us play through."
After crossing about half the distance to the women he turns back and hastily retreats.
"You won't believe this," he tells his golfing partner, "One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress. You'll need to tell them to hurry it up."
The second man heads off and makes a similar turn about halfway and comes back to his partner with an embarrassed look and replies, "Small world."
ThatsSomeBadHatHarry
Guest
Three vampires walk into a bar...
The first one says to the bartender:
"we'll have two Bloods and a Blood Light."
The first one says to the bartender:
"we'll have two Bloods and a Blood Light."
A man calls home and a little girl answers. "Is your mommy there?" the man inquires.
"No, she's upstairs with uncle Phil." The man is astonished, "But you don't have an uncle Phil," he asserts. "Sure I do," replies the girl, "He's upstairs in mommie's bedroom and it sounds like they are wrestling like you guys do on Sunday mornings."
The man thinks for a minute to come up with a plan, "I want you to run upstairs to just outside mommy's room and yell that you see daddy's car pulling in the driveway"
The girl is gone for a minute and when she returns, "Ok daddy, I did it."
"What happened?" The man asks
"Well Mommy jumped out of bed, and she wasn't wearing any clothes, ran around all crazy and then tripped on the rug and hit her head on the nightstand. Now she isn't moving."
"What about 'Uncle Phil'?" The dad inquires.
"He jumped up all crazy too, also not wearing clothes, and ran out through the bathroom, where he jumped out the window into the pool. I don't guess he knew you drained the water out of the pool last weekend, and he landed in the deep end. I think he might be dead."
The man says; "Swimming Pool? Is this 555-7321?"
"No, she's upstairs with uncle Phil." The man is astonished, "But you don't have an uncle Phil," he asserts. "Sure I do," replies the girl, "He's upstairs in mommie's bedroom and it sounds like they are wrestling like you guys do on Sunday mornings."
The man thinks for a minute to come up with a plan, "I want you to run upstairs to just outside mommy's room and yell that you see daddy's car pulling in the driveway"
The girl is gone for a minute and when she returns, "Ok daddy, I did it."
"What happened?" The man asks
"Well Mommy jumped out of bed, and she wasn't wearing any clothes, ran around all crazy and then tripped on the rug and hit her head on the nightstand. Now she isn't moving."
"What about 'Uncle Phil'?" The dad inquires.
"He jumped up all crazy too, also not wearing clothes, and ran out through the bathroom, where he jumped out the window into the pool. I don't guess he knew you drained the water out of the pool last weekend, and he landed in the deep end. I think he might be dead."
The man says; "Swimming Pool? Is this 555-7321?"
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Subject: Dramatic Archeological Telecommunications Discoveries
After having dug to a depth of 1,000 meters last year, French scientists
found traces of copper wire dating back 1,000 years and came to the
conclusion that their ancestors had a telephone network all those
centuries ago.
Not to be outdone by the French, English scientists dug to a depth of
2,000 meters and shortly after headlines in the U. K. newspapers read:
"English archaeologists have found traces of 2,000-year-old fiber-optic
cable and have concluded that their ancestors had an advanced high-Tech
digital communications network a thousand years earlier than the
French."
One week later, Israeli Newspapers reported the following: "After
digging as deep as 5,000 meters in a Jerusalem marketplace, scientists
had found absolutely nothing. They therefore concluded that 5,000 years
ago, Jews were already using wireless technology.
After having dug to a depth of 1,000 meters last year, French scientists
found traces of copper wire dating back 1,000 years and came to the
conclusion that their ancestors had a telephone network all those
centuries ago.
Not to be outdone by the French, English scientists dug to a depth of
2,000 meters and shortly after headlines in the U. K. newspapers read:
"English archaeologists have found traces of 2,000-year-old fiber-optic
cable and have concluded that their ancestors had an advanced high-Tech
digital communications network a thousand years earlier than the
French."
One week later, Israeli Newspapers reported the following: "After
digging as deep as 5,000 meters in a Jerusalem marketplace, scientists
had found absolutely nothing. They therefore concluded that 5,000 years
ago, Jews were already using wireless technology.
WaterWayne
Guest
(originally a Cajun joke, translated here into standard English and changed to a standard redneck)
Of all the fishermen on the bayou, Cletus was the best. Every time he went out, he came back with his boat full of fish, even when others caught nothing. The local game warden finally asked to come along to learn Cletus' technique. Cletus was a man of few words, so he just nodded.
Once on the bayou, far from any other fishermen, Cletus opened his tackle box and took out a stick of dynamite; lit it and tossed it. BOOM! The explosion boiled up dozens of fish, which Cletus naturally began netting.
The game warden was aghast, of course. "Cletus, even though you're my second cousin on my wife's side, I've gotta arrest you now!"
Cletus only took out another stick of dynamite, LIT IT, and handed it to the game warden. "What you wanna do, talk...or fish?"
Of all the fishermen on the bayou, Cletus was the best. Every time he went out, he came back with his boat full of fish, even when others caught nothing. The local game warden finally asked to come along to learn Cletus' technique. Cletus was a man of few words, so he just nodded.
Once on the bayou, far from any other fishermen, Cletus opened his tackle box and took out a stick of dynamite; lit it and tossed it. BOOM! The explosion boiled up dozens of fish, which Cletus naturally began netting.
The game warden was aghast, of course. "Cletus, even though you're my second cousin on my wife's side, I've gotta arrest you now!"
Cletus only took out another stick of dynamite, LIT IT, and handed it to the game warden. "What you wanna do, talk...or fish?"
Little Davie's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."
Little Davie asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."
Little Davie asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
WaterWayne
Guest
The Texan and the Englishman are journeying by train in the old days. The Texan, ever anxious to brag about the size of the Lone Star State, starts in on the Limey: "This evening when we got on this train, we were in Texas. We'll go all night, and tomorrow when we wake up, we'll still be in Texas. Then tomorrow night when we have supper on this train, we'll STILL be in Texas! Whaddya think about that?!"
The Limey, ever cool, looked up from his crossword puzzle and said, "I think that in England we would repair a train like this one."
The Limey, ever cool, looked up from his crossword puzzle and said, "I think that in England we would repair a train like this one."
ThatsSomeBadHatHarry
Guest
i like that one. in colorado we are always looking for new ways to make fun of texans...no offense.
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