Post your funny/clean jokes here...

[Jcsgt]

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

To some, it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

 

[WaterWayne]

All from W.C. Fields, probably the greatest Hollywood tippler of them all:

"Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days."

" 'Twas a woman who drove me to drink. I never had the courtesy to thank her."

"Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got."

"I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake— which I also keep handy."

"The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart. "

 

[millersacre]

what do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back
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a stick

 

[offroaddiver]

I'm trying to clean this up as much as possible, hopefully it works.

A private was in eastern asia when he stepped on a mine. I blew up taking his manhood and mortaly injuring a pack elephant. THe field surgeon arrived to hear a man frantically screaming. the young private told the surgeon to help him cause he had a new wife to back to when he got his discharge papers. The surgeon looked and no hope of saving his stuff. The surgeon then saw the elephant move his trunk up and down and the surgeon received inspiration....
A few months later the surgeon was invited to the privates house for dinner by the thankful new mrs. While eating dinner the surgeon notice the trunk come up and disappear with a dinner roll. A few minutes later same thing... one less roll on the table.
The 5th time the private jumps up screams "take this thing off of me now!!!" The new mrs. through her tears says no honey you'll get used to it. The private retorts "Do you think you can get used to having rolls crammed up your bum!"

 

[dive_lover88]

:lol:
How times has changed
Fairy tales in the past: Once upon a time
MODERN fairy tales: If elected,I promise to....

 

[SteveDiver]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into a pharmacy, walked right up
>to
> >the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes and said, "I would like to
>buy
> >some cyanide."
> >
> >The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
> >
> >The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
> >
> >The pharmacist looked at her in astonishment ... "Lord have mercy! I
>can't
> >give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose
>my
> >license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will
> >happen. Absolutely not!"
> >
> >The lady reached into her handbag and pulled out a picture of her husband
>in
> >bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and
> >replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a
> >prescription."

 

[SteveDiver]

Ten Peeves That Your Dog Has About You
1. Blaming your farts (gas) on me... not funny... not funny at all!!!


2. Yelling at me for barking.. I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG, YOU IDIOT!


3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?


4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it!


5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.


6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo hoooooooo! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.


7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!


8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.


9.Dog sweaters. Hello??? Haven't you noticed the fur?


10. Acting disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth. You're just jealous.


Now lay off me on some of these things! We both know who's boss here! You don't see me picking up your poop do you???

 

[scuba-charters]

So... a priest, a nun and an attorney walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says. "What is this? A joke?"

 

[dive-class101]

so whats orange and sounds like a parrot?
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-give up ?-
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a carrot.....
Lame I know but you asked for clean jokes...

 

[mike_s]

What's the difference between Baptists and Methodists?

Methodists will speak to each other in the liquor store.

IF you take a Baptist fishing, how do you keep him from drinking all your beer?

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You take another Baptist to watch him to make sure he doesn't drink anything...