Rules of Diving
- Don't take up diving to get a suntan.
- People who look good with a mask on are usually ugly without one.
- Inverse Law of Patches: A diver's ability is inversely proportional to the number of patches they wear
- Diving unprotected with a stranger is like having unprotected sex with a stranger.
- Never clear a snorkel on a Mexican Federale'
- Anyone who says they have never been afraid while diving hasn't been diving or is a bad liar.
- Never use a sun intensifier lotion within 30 miles of the Equator.
- People say the funniest things when you shut their air off.
- Never have sex underwater above a coral reef.
- Dry Suits and Beers do not mix
- Buddies are never where you need them to be.
- You WILL run out of film before the Whale Shark Swims By
- 60 minute camcorder batteries aren't 60 minutes
One should never make a night dive on a coral reef after taking:
- Acid
- Marijuana
- Black Russians
- Prosaic
- Sleeping Pills
You Might be a Redneck Diver if...
- You have a large number 3 on the front of your wetsuit instead of Mares.
- Instead of velcro on your BCD you have a large metal buckle.
- Instead of an octopus you have a siphon hose.
- Instead of lead weights you have zip lock baggies filled with #2 shot.
- If you think Jacques Cousteau is an athletic supporter made in France.
- You have a gun rack on your BC.
- You carry a siphon hose instead of an octopus.
- You have fin marks on your living room carpet.
- You use a tire gauge instead of an SPG.
- Your dive knife is a Bowie knife.
- Your two teeth won’t hold your regulator in very well.
How to avoid shark attacks:
- Never Leave Kansas
- Roll in manure before diving. Sharks hate anything breaded
- Always dive with a buddy. On sharks approach, point to buddy
- Dive with a briefcase. Shark may mistake you for an attorney and leave you alone out of professional courtesy
You can spot divers by:
- Funny Tan Lines
- Big Watch
- Says "Huh" alot
- Bad shocks and springs in car
- Scars from trigger fish bites
- Expertise on anti-histamines
You can spot old time divers by:
- Funny Tan Lines
- Big Expensive Watch
- Old Jeep with bad shocks
- Log Book has volume number on cover
- Deaf in at least one ear
- Has multiple scars.
- Has cylinders older than you are
- Talks about making their first wet suit
- Dive gear is faded
- Limps from Dysbaric Osteonecrosis
You can spot newbie divers by:
- Sunburned
- Timex Watch
- Nice car
- Fills in all the blanks in their logbook
- No diving related scars
- Says "Wow, did you see that" alot
- Equipment looks nice
- Perfect hearing
Buddy Method
My SCUBA instructor always stressed that you should never go diving alone. If you have equipment problems, your buddy can help you. If you run out of air, your buddy can help you. If you meet an aggressive shark, your odds are 50-50 instead of 100%.
Apnea Diving
One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, with no scuba gear on whatsoever. The diver went below another 10 feet, but the guy joined him a minute later. The diver went below 15 more feet, a minute later, the same guy joined him. This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard, and wrote, "How the heck are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?" The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!"
Buccaneers
Two divers surface after a long, deep dive. As their heads pop out of the water, a squad of jets (called Buccaneers in South Africa) flies low above their heads. The one diver puts his hands over his ears and shouts, "It's those Buccaneers!!!" To which the other replies, "Yeah, mine are hurting too!"
Boat
Young attractive male seeks female dive buddy for shared recreation and friendship, must have boat. Please sent photo of boat.
PADI Fun
Three instructors and their students are on board a dive boat in the middle of the ocean. There is a NAUI instructor, a PADI instructor, and an SSI instructor. Everything is going fine until the boat springs a leak and starts to sink. The SSI instructor says to his students, "Okay, we're in the middle of the ocean, so we might as well do our deep dive." The NAUI instructor says to his students, "Okay, we might as well do our navigation dive, so let's get our compasses out and swim towards shore." The PADI instructor says to his students, "Okay, for $25 extra you guys get to do a wreck dive!"
Whale
Q. How many people does it take to circumcise a whale? A. Four skin divers.
Two divers go spear fishing. They catch a lot of fish and return to the shore. The first one says, "I hope you remember the spot where we caught all those fish." The other answers, "Yes, I made an 'X' on the side of the boat to mark the spot." "You idiot!" cries the first, "How do you know we will get the same boat tomorrow?"
Name that tune
Bill and Harry had been dive buddies since college. Almost every weekend, they went diving, summer and winter, dry suit or shorty. On one rare occasion, Bill invited Harry to his home for dinner. (Bill was married, Harry was not.) During dinner, Harry noticed that every time Bill spoke to his wife he used very loving terms -- Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, and so on. It was when Bill's wife was clearing away the dishes and carried them to the kitchen that Harry remarked, "That is really nice — after all these years that you've been married, you still keep calling your wife all those pet names." Bill looked round quickly and whispered, "To tell you the truth, Harry, I forgot her name years ago."
Blonde
A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the man and she says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years!" he says. She reaches over, unzips this waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!" Then she asked, "How long has it been since you had a drink of whiskey? He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips the waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!" Then she starts unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you had some REAL fun?" And the man cries out, "My God! Don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there, too!"
