"Helpful" male dive buddies

[TSandM]

Goodness gracious, people are tetchy!

If guys were doing this to me, I'd smile and say, "I'm fine, thanks, I don't need any help, but thanks for offering." After a few times of hearing that, I suspect they'd leave me alone, and we'd all be friends.

My all-time favorite dive buddy helps me with my tanks. I let him. He's stronger than I am, and I'm less tired at the end of the day, and he enjoys feeling strong and useful. I see nothing wrong with that!

 

[Quero]

On one occasion, someone came up to me and tested my reg and bc inflator while I was wearing my gear without even asking me -- like some dive masters do with inexperienced tourists at resorts.

Yes, it happens a lot, and in fact this exact thing actually happened to me last month. IMO, it's entirely different from carrying heavy gear, pulling out a chair, or opening a door for a woman, which are simple courtesies. This checking of the inflator or testing a reg or tugging at releases is supervisory in nature rather than courteous, and any guy that can't understand this needs to think about it a bit more. If you can't imagine a guy reaching over to another guy who is not his dive buddy and without being asked checking an inflator or tugging on releases, then why on earth would it be okay to do so with a woman who just happens to be on the same boat?

In my case last month, I was part of a tech sidemount instructor course, and in the process of performing a head-to-toe pre-dive check, my assigned buddy for the dive reached out and inflated my wing. This was already our third day of the course (and keep in mind that this was a tech-level course and was an instructor-development course on top of that), and by this point those guys should have got the message not to touch me and not to swoop in to "correct" my placement of bungies on the tanks, etc., but nevertheless he did reach over and test my inflator. I snapped at him, "Don't touch. When you do a head-to-toe you may comment or ask but you may not touch another diver's gear without permission!" He was offended and rolled his eyes, but by that point I didn't care. Gentle requests, joking explanations, "thanks-but-I'm-okay" delivered with a smile, none of it worked with this guy. The only message some men can understand is a slap down. This same guy had earlier physically snatched a cam band out of my hands to rethread the buckle when I was working on it after having slipped a weight on it. I'm sure he would claim he was only being "helpful," but I saw it as interference. He could easily have said, "Would you like me to rethread that for you?" or while doing the pre-dive check, "Is your inflater connected properly?" Moral #1 of the story: when dealing with a jerk, be direct. Moral #2, and a point I brought up with the other candidates in our debrief, even if you're dealing with learners or inexperienced divers, you do them no favors by being overly solicitous--in fact, you hinder their development of self-sufficiency. If you think they need to correct some gear issue, tell them what you've noticed and let them sort it out, or at most tell them and offer to sort it out for them.

Keep your paws to yourself.

 

[Edward3c]

Have any fellow female divers here been treated in a patronizing way by men in their dive group? My husband and I dive as a part of larger groups these days, and I am often the only woman there. Although we are both fairly experienced and watch out for each other when we're out, I've had random men in the group approach me to check that my gear is assembled properly, offer helpful tips for beginners, and generally treat me like an idiot. On one occasion, someone came up to me and tested my reg and bc inflator while I was wearing my gear without even asking me -- like some dive masters do with inexperienced tourists at resorts. I know that they're probably trying to be helpful, but I'm getting annoyed. Leaving the group isn't a great option. My husband likes diving with these guys, and it makes me feel better having more people around while we are out. Any tips on how to deal with this situation without alienating people?

It may be a bit OTT, but in the UK this action could get the guy on the sex offender's list - if pursued in the Courts. Touch a member of the opposite sex, or any child, at your own risk (Protection of Freedoms Act 2012).

 

[Bratface]

Sigh…people are a bit touchy here. I will add that I was on a dive when one well meaning person went up and turned off one of my buddies' air just as he was about to take his giant stride off the boat. So the moral of the story is: if you're going to help, make sure you are really helping.

 

[rivers]

Most of my buddies are men, and luckily for me, they haven't done anything like you describe. If they tried, it probably wouldn't end well for them, and they know it. Yes, we help each other kit up, untwist harness straps, hoses, etc, but that's the extent of it.
Next time you go diving with them, before they have a chance to come near you, go up to them, "test" their kit just as they have done to yours. If they say anything, just ask them how they like it or smile and walk away. Hopefully they get the hint.

 

[Quero]

It may be a bit OTT, but in the UK this action could get the guy on the sex offender's list - if pursued in the Courts. Touch a member of the opposite sex, or any child, at your own risk (Protection of Freedoms Act 2012).

I don't think I'd react in that way, however my inflator in my sidemount rig does lie right under my breasts, so reaching for it to check it does involve a bit of groping.

Sigh…people are a bit touchy here. I will add that I was on a dive when one well meaning person went up and turned off one of my buddies' air just as he was about to take his giant stride off the boat. So the moral of the story is: if you're going to help, make sure you are really helping.

Tech divers do tend to be quite persnickety about their gear and don't tolerate well anyone fiddling with it without being asked, so this guy's repeated actions really did irk me, particularly since he didn't get the message when I was trying to be friendly about it. I don't consider this me being touchy; I consider it him being obtrusive.

Unfortunately, it's far from rare based on my observations of being on boats a whole lot--male divers, whether for reasons they attribute to kindness, whether they are trying to make a positive impression on a member of the opposite sex, or whether they're simply clueless to women's competence, tend to interfere more with women divers than they do with their male counterparts.

 

[sealionesse]

I wish I had this problem. Where I've been diving lately, no one seems to check anyone else's gear (and half dive solo). I don't like that at all.

But, if the OP doesn't like it then she doesn't like it. We are all different after all. I would just say, "My husband already checked my gear, thank you." And leave it at that. Or, maybe they are hoping you will check out their gear and are being too shy (or macho?) to ask.

The only time I ever felt patronized while diving was on a wreck in San Diego a few months back. My buddy and I were diving the Yukon and I saw something interesting--it appeared to be a plaque on the wreck. I was curious what it said and wanted to see what it was, but my buddy wouldn't go near it and motioned for me to go another direction (he was leading). So I didn't get to see it. Turns out the plaque was a memorial to a woman diver who died on the wreck a few months prior. He said didn't want me to see it and get "upset." I would have been sad to read a diver died on the wreck, but I wouldn't have gotten upset (by which I assume he though I would be overly emotional about it).

But I figure while it was a bit patronizing, he didn't do it out of malice and was just trying to look after me (he's kind of the protective sort and a gentleman in nature and on top of that a much, much more experienced diver than I am and kind of a mentor to me anyway). I figure I can check out that plaque some other time.

 

[Histrix]

Thanks for the responses and suggestions. Like I mentioned before, I don't think they are trying to be jerks. Most of the guys we dive with are much older than we are, and were raised in a different time. They also have a lot more experience than we do (i.e., thousands of dives), and know the sites and conditions better than we do. I appreciate that someone else is paying attention - if someone notices that there something wrong with my setup, I would definitely appreciate a heads up. I'm mainly annoyed for three reasons, a) they assume because I'm younger and female, I'm not as capable - they don't do this to each other or my husband, b) I don't like people touching me without permission, and c) I'm not comfortable with other people assembling or messing with my gear - I had a bad experience with this while on vacation once, so I'm pretty fussy about it now. Anyway, I'll definitely try to be direct with them if it happens again.

 

[Laurie S.]

Don't touch my gear, period. If you see something that looks wrong, please tell me, but hands off. I'll do the same for you.

 

[ladyfishdvr]

When I was younger I would probably have been very annoyed and intimidated by someone doing this type of thing. Now that I am older I usually can find a tactful way to say thanks but no thanks. Recently I was diving with someone who was dying to help me remove a weight pocket so I could pull out a weight as I was adjusting buoyancy but he didn't. I told him to feel free to help since he was obviously wanting to do so and it made things go faster. I am quite capable of taking care of myself but have learned to appreciate assistance or speak up if I don't want it.