Divorce

[Dee]

Rick and Jessica both make good points. Beast and I will have our 30th anniversary in March. We met each other when I was 14 and he was 16 yrs of age and have been together ever since. Yes, we grew up together but more importantly we also gave each other room to grow, and we didn't do it at the same pace.

Divorce was never an option for us. To be honest, like Dennis and Donna, I can count on one hand the major conflicts we've had. And they were all solved by trust, love and faith in the other. But we were both determined to work things through, not take the first out that was available or to use divorce as a threat. We make all major decisions together but we also trust the other to make them alone if needed.

We never had kids so we didn't have them to come between us as some couples do. And just at the point where our marriage was hitting that stagnant stage frankenmuth_tom mentioned, we learned to dive! That's why I've always said it revoved our marriage.

Bottom line is you have to have respect, trust, faith, patience and love and be prepared to compromise to have a lasting marriage or relationship for that matter.

my 2¢

 

[Spectre]

O-ring once bubbled...
I need to hear more stories like this. Given that I just had a birthday I was thinking I should settle down soon. Now I am not so sure... Besides, having a spouse, and god forbid children, would cut severely into my diving and snowboarding budgets.

Give me a good evening to tell you some stories... That 'selling down' bug'll be cured for sure.

 

[GearHead]

Great post and great advice, Dee.

And by the way, it always tickles me when I read your posts and you mention your husband, Beast. What a cool moniker. It sounds like you guys have a wonderful marriage, congrats on your 30th anniversary next month.

Dee once bubbled...


Bottom line is you have to have respect, trust, faith, patience and love and be prepared to compromise to have a lasting marriage or relationship for that matter.

my 2¢

 

[GearHead]

Dee also made a vital point by bringing up the dangers of using divorce as a threat. My wife and I did pre-marriage counselling weekend with a huge group, and that was something that they specifically warned us against using. It can be incredibly destructive, and I know from personal experience that my ex-brother-in-law helped collapse my sister's first marriage with that handy, evil little tool.

Like Dee also wrote, I believe determination from both partners and trust are paramount.

 

[Amanda]

My parent and me formed a very, very united family. We've been living for 1,5 year in SE Asie, and we loved being together...

...until that day when my Dad told my Mom he was having an affair with her best friend, and that it had been going on for one year (and of course he said she wasn't the first mistress ha had).

Since then, he never apologized to anyone for the tears he created, my Mom almost went completely nuts, and she said horrible things to me, and she never apologized too.

2 weeks ago, my mother fighted in a café, she almost sent to hospital my dad and her mistress. What a shame to go that stupid.

I'll probably never really get over this one, though it was more than a year and a half ago.
I just don't understand the need to LIE to someone instead of just explaining things and splitting up in a "decent" way. This really $ucks.

Anyway, this is just my story... But it teached me something : never lie to your beloved (or the one you call that way). Just go ahead and leave him/her properly.

 

[Louie]

I think another question that should be put is:
"Why get MARRIED in the first place?"
With such a high percentage of marriages ending in separation and divorce, the only beneficiaries are the damn lawyers.

We take a great deal for granted as both marriage and divorce are options open to us in the modern western world (and thank goodness for that). My thoughts go to those who are - due to law, customs, religious authorities or other external constraints - either forced into marriage or forbidden to divorce.

 

[chickdiver]

Amanda-
You have my sympathy. I went through pretty muchthe same thing whenI was 25 years old. My dad never came out and told any of us that he was having an affair, but shortly after he just LEFT one day he had a girlfriend, and less than a year after thier divorce was final he had married her. My mother also went nuts for a while. She said awful things to me about my Dad (to whom I am very close), because she felt that being "older" I could handle it (my sister was 16 at the time). It hurt- A LOT- and some days it still does.

My story has a semi-happy ending, however. After a couple of years of being crazy my Mom settled down and one day became a different person. She is happier than she has been my entire life, so is my Dad. Do I like my stepmother? No. Do I repsect her? No. Do I accept the fact that she makes my Dad happy? Yes, and because of that simple fact I treat her civilly. I dont care for the man my Mother is involved with now either, but the same rule applies.

What I have learned fromt he whole experience-
1. Parents are people and sometimes people do stupid things and make mistakes.
2. My sister and I are still the center ofour parents' world, eventhough our parents aren't together anymore.
3. Infidelity hurts the one who does just as much as the one it's done to.
4. You have to forgive and move on (VERY difficult todo) because otherwise it will eat you alive from the inside.

It still hurts, and some days I am still angry at my Dad, but we get through it. Whatever happens between your parents is just that, beween your parents- they still love you. It gets a little better every day over time, andeventually you wont even notice that pain has gone.

Good luck to you and the rest of your family.

 

[Big-t-2538]

O-ring once bubbled...
I need to hear more stories like this. Given that I just had a birthday I was thinking I should settle down soon. Now I am not so sure... Besides, having a spouse, and god forbid children, would cut severely into my diving and snowboarding budgets.

Not to mention the fact that I think there is probably a solid majority on the board who think that I shouldn't be trusted to raise children.

O...believe me when I say there are people who would be way worse off having kids than you...until about a year and a half ago, I had those same thoughts you're having now. And believe me the thought then (and now) of me being responsible for another person's life is something you didn't (and probably still don't) want me being relied upon for. 4 nights a week at the bar playing darts/pool/golden tee/etc...guzzling brewsky after brewsky. When I wasn't there...I was involved in some other activity like SCUBA or volunteer coaching...then Sundays were just a ton of fun b/c it was race day and we'd grille out and wash it all down with a few brews.

Then I met this wonderful girl...much of what Rick says is very true...the stages of discovery, then finding those annoying habits later. Our situation was a little skewed when Maddie came into the equation 5 months ago, but I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. Kristin is a wonderful mother, and a loving girlfriend who will be my wife one day (thank god she doesn't read this board). I don't plan on divorce, but then again who does.

Yeah, my life has changed a bit...and so have I. I have a real job now with insurance benefits and a retirment savings account (oh good god...I think I'm gonna cry). I still throw darts, help with SCUBA, and coach...but nowhere near as much. Most of my nights are spent caring for the little one while mom is at work, the weekends are reserved for "house cleaning"...and I have to plan trips now as opposed to just flying by the seat of my pants and jetting off for weekends of fun in the water/sun. All in all, I still do a lot of what I used to, I've cut back, but for good reason I think.

 

[OglalaDiver]

I had to drink a pack of Coronas every night to keep from putting her head in a camera bag! LOL

 

[gmbaker]

Uncle Jeffie, please tell us a story... hell I'll even buy the first round....

edit: sorry, dont want to get the impression I was taking anyones situations lightly. ( I just wanted an excuse to drink ).

I admire the ability of those of you who have overcome difficult and emotional situations.

my personal experience has been that people get too comfortable and dont work on the communication. Many times what is being fought about is just the spark that ignited the fire and other issues that were left unresolved needed to be worked through. The first few years in many cases are not a true litmus test, running all over having fun...., then the things that bother you the most start to come out. I have found that trust, respect and learning how to work out problems and not always having to be right have helped. Does this always work, hell no, but somehow we keep trying.

Spectre once bubbled...


Give me a good evening to tell you some stories... That 'selling down' bug'll be cured for sure.