Divorce

[cyklon_300]

get divorced than to get married.

In the beginning, love conquers all obstacles...later, if you have chosen a partner unwisely, the love/lust thing has cooled and the day-to-day problems can easily overwhelm the situation.

Sexual incompatibility, financial problems, obnoxious in-laws, difficult children, religious differences, substance abuse, lack of common interests, infidelity, etc etc etc...the list is pretty long.

The parentals are working on their 60th anniversary...I'm proud of them.

 

[capecodder]

the list sounds awfully familiar,,, except for the substance abuse part. I'ts true,,, the honeymoon wears off really quickly,, and then you find yourself with kids and a spouse that becomes a roomate,,, "im in it for the kids(wouldn't trade the little guys for anything),,,,the lack of sex wont kill me,, besides,,, there's always diving!!!! ( she doesn't dive) so anyhow,,,,, I'm going to Cayman Brac anyone up for that???

"why buy the book when you can check it out at the library"

 

[O-ring]

I need to hear more stories like this. Given that I just had a birthday I was thinking I should settle down soon. Now I am not so sure... Besides, having a spouse, and god forbid children, would cut severely into my diving and snowboarding budgets.

Not to mention the fact that I think there is probably a solid majority on the board who think that I shouldn't be trusted to raise children.

 

[jepuskar]

as long as you marry the right person, but who the right person is, is just an opinion.

Finding out who a person is well before walking down the aisle or beach, like my gf wants to do.....which is awesome because we are both very non-religious people..ok, anyways...

My last relationship was a pretty good one..we got along great, but I broke up with her because I didnt want to marry her and she wanted to settle down.

Life is screwed up like that, but it does go on.

 

[GearHead]

Sounds to me like Jason's girlfriend has the right idea.

Taking gender out of the equation, consider the following:
When you are getting to know someone that you have a good rapport with at first (buddies, girlfriends, etc.), have you noticed that you tend to look for what's positive about them, about things that are common between you, reasons to like that person more? But at a certain point, once you get to know a person well enough, you see beyond the facade you've created. If enough negative things come out, you choose to see more and more that you don't have that much in common, that this person isn't as cool or nice as you once thought they were. This syndrome can lead from "I love her!" "She's my soulmate!" or "What a great guy!" all the way to "What was I ever thinking by liking this person?" "Why did I ever date her?!?" "How could I marry that awful witch?!"

My point is that what you see, depends very much on what you are looking for, and for me, this helps explain why some relationships sour after weeks, months, and for some years. People absolutely do change, we all know that, and that's why it's never a bad thing to put off marriage when in doubt (Hello O-Ring).

In my brief 5 years of marriage, I've decided for myself that one of the best questions a person can ask themself before they get hitched is, "How well do we solve problems together?" or to put it a different way: "How well do we settle our differences?" Or how about this one: "How well do we treat eachother while we're solving our problems?"

Invariably, if the answer to any of those questions is "not very well", then I don't see a good foundation for a lifelong relationship, as we all intend marriage to be (unless you're a contestant on Joe Millionaire).

In my mind, no matter what, if you're with a person for long enough, you're going to get past all of the positive things you see (and are looking for) at the beginning of the relationship. You'll see all of his/her negative attributes, all of the differences between you. Your expectations at that point will be much more realistic, and I think you'll have a higher chance for success.

I'm not sure what's more important when it all comes down to it in relationship success: expectations or how you treat one another. But I do believe that there's just not enough civility and respect in the world, let alone actual love. And as a wise man once told me, love is an act, not an emotion.

A pedestal is a precarious perch. Careful who you put up there.

Rick

 

[Cave Diver]

There is some good wisdom in your response Rick, or SeaJay, or whoever yer pretending to be..

 

[Tractor Tom]

We still have 'disagreements' and fights about bills and where the money will be going next among other things. We have a good stable marriage most of the time, but once in a while you hit a "bump" and have to work through it.

I guess I always thought that it's a lot harder to stay married than it is to get a divorce. I mean in most cases, you can effectively end a marriage with a phone call to a lawyer and their ads are everywhere.

Without a lot of cooperation on both sides, a marriage is doomed to failure, and in our society where more than 50% of the marriages end in divorce, it is no longer a stigma. Face it, most everyone is divorced one time or another... We (as a couple) have had to 'adapt' over the years. Learn new things and share new interests. It helps if you are secure in who you are and feel that your mate is supportive. We share large decisions, each has tasks that that person alone is responsible for. We really are 'partners' in out marriage. Perhaps that's a part of it, so many people never make it to the 'partner' stage...

Just my thoughts on the matter....

 

[shellbird]

They say 50% of marriages end in divorce, but how many of those people get back together....???

I am one who made a huge mistake and divorced Joe. We are now back together again after 5 years apart.

Those 5 years were definitely a period of growth for both of us but I think, at least speaking for myself, it always felt like a piece of me was missing.

Now that we are back together - what tore us apart remains in the past and we are moving on. It hasn't always been easy, but it has been worth it.

We got back together on a dive trip...

 

[DennisW]

I wouldn't know. I've been married to my best buddy for almost 24 years. It's been a great ride since she picked me up at a dorm party in 1977. However, we knew each other for about 2 years before that. I met Donna in Physics class at University of Florida. In 1975. We are best friends. That's not to say we haven't had differences. Who wouldn't? However, I can honestly say that our serious arguments can be counted on one hand. And those, hell, I gave in. It wasn't that important anyway. I can't even remember what the subjects were, how important could they have been? You guys should be so lucky.

 

[JessicaDodge]

I am going to preface this by saying I am not married or divorced. I think a lot of divorces end because people go into it knowing they can get a divorce. No I don't think most people expect to divorce (although some do) but they no longer see it as a forever thing. They hope it's forever, but there's an out. Am I saying if they are a cheating, drug addicted, child neglecting loser you should stay together. NO. And all cases are differant. But from my friends and family who have gotten devorced most of it is little things that could be worked through that show the bigger problem. Which is basicly since it's no longer fun it's ok. I think if divorces were harder to get there would be a lot less of them because people would be forced to work though more things.

Just my opnion.

Jessica