DIVORCE, lAST RESORT?

[Epinephelus]

Sticking your nose into other people's business is usually risky, so I won't be surprised at some disagreement.
(1) Neither of you sound mature enough to make marriage work
(2) Love vis-a-vis marriage is not something you feel; it is something you do. Something you do because it is right and because you promissed you would. It is passionate, yes, but that passion is created, directed and chosen by you, not something that descends on you out of the blue and takes control of you. And it is not something that can fade, because you are in charge and it is your responsibility. Anyone who tries to tell you "it just happens" is selling snake-oil.
(3) What you (both of you) should do is grow up, understand that vows are worth work. It takes backbone to take control of your emotions and love each other in a proactive, positive, purposeful way.
---
All that said, you cannot prevent her leaving without her agreeing to stay. If she insists on leaving, protect yourself and your assets. Then go find a woman to replace the spoiled little girl.
E.

 

[Cold_H2O]

All that said, you cannot prevent her leaving without her agreeing to stay. If she insists on leaving, protect yourself and your assets. Then go find a woman to replace the spoiled little girl.
E.

Very well stated. If she wants out let her go. Do take action to protect yourself.
Mature women are out there but we require our men to be mature themselves.

 

[mikswi]

Just a few observations........

"gangrel441" In Basic Scuba Discussions? Just a little bit off topic, I think...Anyhow, for when this gets moved to a more appropriate forum...Tough to hear....hang in there, one way or the other things will work out...

What difference does it make what forum its posted in? The person has a legitimate question and you have concerns over where it's posted?

"seaboyforever"
oh as for the picture of HER daughter, from her previous relationship, i love the kid but she should be calling me daddy, rather then my name. Do you agree? heck i pay all the bills!!! and her real dad is long gone.....

The time for you to decide what your comfortable being called was about a year and a half ago-before you got married. Your providing financial and psychological support does not "earn" you the right to be called "DAD". Fact is, your NOT her dad,....just someone who is willing to assume that role after the real father decided it was too much, for whatever reason. I sympathize with your position as I have faced one similar. Regardless of counseling, unless you decide whats important to you and where your going, you will never be happy. In short, unless you define what you idea of "Happiness" is, you will never know when you have attained it.

"JimLap"

And if your job is good enough to afford it, money can't buy love but it can help soften the mattress with a call to the right service once in a while.

Man, I ain't anything the women are standing in line for but, the day I have to PAY for "it", I'll cut it off. Just take the time to figure out whats important to you and where your going. Don't compromise on your goals when making a new start and the rest will fall into place. If you feel the need to pay for companionship, then why leave? you have that now.


"Epinephelus"
sticking your nose into other people's business is usually risky, so I won't be surprised at some disagreement.
(1) Neither of you sound mature enough to make marriage work
(2) Love vis-a-vis marriage is not something you feel; it is something you do. Something you do because it is right and because you promissed you would. It is passionate, yes, but that passion is created, directed and chosen by you, not something that descends on you out of the blue and takes control of you. And it is not something that can fade, because you are in charge and it is your responsibility. Anyone who tries to tell you "it just happens" is selling snake-oil.
(3) What you (both of you) should do is grow up, understand that vows are worth work. It takes backbone to take control of your emotions and love each other in a proactive, positive, purposeful way.

This is sound advice. It does however presume that 2 proper people are involved. Sometimes no matter how much you try, are willing to overlook, how often you bite your tongue - it just doesnt work out. One person is inevetably more comitted to the relationship than the other.

Whatever you do,if nothing else, make sure you find out the "real" reason the relationship failed as, it is only by this that you can move on - better for the experience.

 

[drbill]

Mature women are out there but we require our men to be mature themselves.

OUCH! I knew there was a catch.

Reading this thread makes me glad I never got married. However, I don't think any of the women I've been serious about would pull this. They were almost all friends for years and then lovers (and now friends).

Marriage is a commitment to one another to work as partners in maintaining the relationship. It should be based on love, which in my opinion evolves over time (hance the value of being friends first), rather than lust which can be an immediate and superficial (but quite pleasant and enjoyable!) but not necessarily lasting.

 

[TheRedHead]

Very well stated. If she wants out let her go. Do take action to protect yourself.
Mature women are out there but we require our men to be mature themselves.

I agree with gis_gal and E. Looking at it with a limited number of facts, your wife has a young child (around 3?) and married you about a year ago. She's had 2 serious relationships almost back to back? You may want to ask yourself if she married you on the rebound. Or if she has an unrealistic expectation of the relationship.

You have to ask yourself if you and your wife are truly compatible on other levels to sustain a long term relationship. It takes not only maturity, but enough similar points of view and interest where you can form a true friendship as well as a romantic relationship.

If you don't think there is potential for a lasting harmonious relationship, I don't see that it would be beneficial to "work" at something hollow. You're quite young and no doubt you'll meet someone who could be your life long soulmate.

Good luck.

 

[Cold_H2O]

OUCH! I knew there was a catch.

Reading this thread makes me glad I never got married. However, I don't think any of the women I've been serious about would pull this. They were almost all friends for years and then lovers (and now friends).

Marriage is a commitment to one another to work as partners in maintaining the relationship. It should be based on love, which in my opinion evolves over time (hance the value of being friends first), rather than lust which can be an immediate and superficial (but quite pleasant and enjoyable!) but not necessarily lasting.

Dr. Bill.. for you sillyness would be allowed. Can't be mature all the time. :10:

 

[dpbishop]

Do try counseling, with her or by yourself if she won't go. Even if the marriage goes south, the couseling will help you get through it with minimum emotional damage. There is always a chance (actually, with women it's almost a given) that what she is objecting to is not what's really bothering her. A good counselor can help bring the underlying problems to the surface.


A point I always consider in my relationships is that it the logistics of loving the person you are living with are a lot eaiser than either having affairs or dating.

Side note: I have spent 20 years raising someone else's kids. It's not about what they call you or give you; it's about what you give them...stablity, discipline, and unquestioning and unwavering love. If you have issues with the amount of respect you get from a three year old you will never survive her teens.

 

[surfbummer]

:frustrate :frustrate

I cant understand my wife:06:
For those of you who have been following my previous post "The Wife", you know that i have had some problems with my wife.
yesterday after a long day at work, she tells me that "we need to talk?"
"okay" I reply, long story short,
she wants to end a year relationship. Her excuse, I work too much and I am not the man she wants to spend the rest of her life with.

Sadly, I dont know how to feel? I am 25, young and dumb. But i am not ready for this marriage, i truly am not.

SO IS DIVORCE THE LAST RESORT?

"Run, Forest, Run!!!!!"

 

[Darnold9999]

Been there - too many times. The moment money starts to move without agreement from both parties is the moment to see a lawyer (used to be one).

Word of advice, keep it as friendly as possible, don't let the lawyer run the show, their job is to fight for your rights. Sometimes you can fight for something that you are better to walk away from. At the end of the day it is only money.

If you have created a bond with the child it is not fair to her that it be broken by either of you. At least leave open the possibility of a continuing relationship (with the child). Assuming that is what you want of course.

Have an ex step daughter (the modern family ) that is still close, see her a few times a year, mother and I were not friends at the split now are. Sooo glad I made spliting up as easy as possible - made it easier to patch up a friendship once we discovered that lust was a poor reason to live together and had the fights that seem to be needed to break up a relationship.

Counselling, etc all good ideas but you need to make sure you don't screw yourself trying to make it work. If its truly broke, walk away as fast as possible with as little finger pointing as possible.

Didn't see the picture so don't know age, but it is worth taking the child aside no matter what age and making sure that she knows that it is not her fault and that you still care. If you do. If you don't, don't try and fake it for any reason.