Death of my Son, I need some help

[sunshower]

I’ve no experience with what you’re dealing with, just want you to know I’m praying for you and your family.

 

[Reelman1]

Our last "communication" with our kids was a voicemail they left us ( they were on a road trip) telling us they loved us and that they'd be home soon...I have no idea how many times we played that thing, eventually the machine stopped working and the message was lost...I'm not in the habit of "opening up" on the internet, and we don't know each other, but I can tell you that this tragedy can come to define you if you allow it...to a lot of people we know, we're "the couple who lost their kids"...that is not how we see ourselves, although it is part of our story. The hardest part for us has been allowing each other to grieve individually (we're very different in that respect) without damaging the team, so to speak...quite like diving, we are a team, and we will solve problems as a team, overcome obstacles as a team, succeed or fail as a team, and still allow our individuality to flourish within that framework. Reading your posts, I am sure that I'm not saying anything you don't already know and subscribe to... please take this as a gentle reminder of what is...it's meant to be given in love, and I sincerely hope you take it that way. As I said before, please don't hesitate to contact me if you want to kick this around with someone who's been there...
Rob

 

[Superlyte27]

The biggest help in all of this is knowing other people were able to survive this.

 

[Wookie]

The biggest help in all of this is knowing other people were able to survive this.

And I know you are hurting and your wife is hurting too. I know it's killing your marriage. Lean on each other, because you will be strong for her, and she will be strong for you. You know what each other is going through. I only hope you come out as whole people, the marriage intact is a huge bonus.

 

[Hoag]

So...
Everyone I talk to says that this will never get any better. It'll just get different. It would be nice if it just didn't get any worse.

Thanks for all the people reaching out to me here and in PM. It breaks my heart that so many people have been through this. It's even more upsetting that so many people I would consider friends have gone through it, and yet, I never knew.

It will get better. It is a brutally slow process, but it will happen. It will be imperceptible at times and make no mistake, the first year will be the worst as you go through a series of "firsts". The first Easter, the first birthday, the first Thanksgiving etc without him. As thing get better, there will often be a feeling of guilt associated with the fact that you are feeling better. This too is part of the healing process. Let it happen, but don't dwell on it.

Sunday was the first anniversary of my niece's (my god daughter's) death. I woke up suddenly at 6:20am - exactly the same time as my brother called me a year ago to say "It's over". Since then, as a family, we have gone through that series of "firsts". We still have a few left though until June 1st when my brother (her dad) died.

If it helps at all, know that you are not alone in this journey. Here is a (slightly edited) post that I put on FaceBook on 26 December this year:

Well, Christmas is over and today is Boxing Day. To be totally honest, I was dreading Christmas this year. Last year, Christmas Dinner was the last meal that my niece Michelle ever ate at the dining room table, and for all we knew, my brother Rick was totally healthy. This year, neither of them would be seated at the table with us.

There was Michelle's husband and their 3 young kids and Ginny (Rick's better half). It had the potential to be a VERY sad dinner.

But it wasn't.

Of course we remembered Rick & Michelle. We talked about how it is OK to miss them, but it isn't OK for that sadness to become overwhelming. We talked about how it is important to carry on some traditions, how some traditions have to maybe change a little, and how, as we move forward, new traditions will inevitably develop. We laughed at the things that they would have found funny and we missed their amazing senses of humour.

All in all, I couldn't have asked for a better way to spend Christmas. Thank you to Paul, and to Ginny for continuing to include me and to the kids for the hugs, the cuddles and for adapting so well to such a tumultuous year.

Yes, things will definitely be different. They will also get better. It may not seem like it, it may seem simply that they are different, but they will get better. As @The Chairman has said, it will seem like a pendulum with some good days, and some days that are horrible, but it will get better.

 

[rhwestfall]

It is now 30 years since the passing of my sister..... Both my parents are still alive and had to deal with it. No, it never goes away.... It will get easier....

 

[Bubbles McGee]

My Father was killed in a car accident nearly 20 years ago. My Sister and my Nephew were in the car and they both survived. I remember writing my Father's obituary in the hospital while my Sister was across the hall with a steel halo screwed into her head. I couldn't bring myself to go to the morgue to view my Fathers body. When I got the call, it was as if a vacuum sucked the life out of me and I just went numb. I should have sought help sooner than I did. Several years later everything I was feeling manifested into panic attacks while driving in heavy traffic on highways or going over bridges, nightmares, irrational guilt etc. I needed to get help so I could cope.

I hope that you and your Wife are able to seek help together. I can't imagine losing my child. My deepest condolences to you and your family during this incredibly difficult time.

 

[Darcimus]

My wife says that I need to talk to someone about it. But I hate everyone.

I dunno man. First, let me say I'm honestly sorry for your loss. I have a sick feeling in my stomach as I type this. I have three boys and if I lost one of them I wouldn't know what to do. I'm seriously crying as I type this. I'd be mad and hurt for a long time.

I actually wanted to reply to this post a while ago, but thinking of losing one of my boys made my mind go places I didn't feel comfortable with, so I let it pass and I deleted my post. Not much has changed since then. I still have the same "advice" I did back then. I'm just able to type it out now.

I can tell you that I've hit "rock bottom" before, and though I haven't lost a child, I've been in situations that felt somewhat comparable. I can tell you that I've been to places that I never thought I'd get out of, and somehow I figured a way out. I can tell you that there were some dark days that I didn't think I'd see the end of. And I can tell you that I asked for help even though I didn't think I needed it. Even though I thought men didn't need to do that kind of thing. And it worked. If it hurts too much, talk to someone about it. I'm not going to pretend to know exactly where your mind is right now, but if it's anywhere near mine was.....get help. Talk to someone. Seriously. Self-talk only goes so far.

I can also tell you that what works for me is unloading on a stranger. Someone that has no idea who I am, and who isn't in a position to judge me based on the past, and is just there to help. It might be someone that's just paid to shut their mouth and listen, and to tell you something based on a book they read a couple of years before they talked to you, but that might do the trick. Maybe it won't work for you. Maybe it's just me. But maybe it will help. You won't know until you try.

Again, I'm terribly sorry for your loss.

 

[Storker]

The biggest help in all of this is knowing other people were able to survive this.

I have never been in your situation, and God forbid I will ever be. Just the thought makes me shiver.

But if you need to lash out at someone, we're here. Take it out on us. Sometimes it helps to rant. I have no idea about what you're going through, but if there's anything I can do to help...

 

[Superlyte27]

I appreciate it guys. There's pretty sucky days and then days that suck slightly less. Today is a slightly less day.

I'm hanging in there.