I can't find a DSMB that I really like

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You are insisting on 12 unique features and are surprised you can't find one and don't consider yourself fussy?

Please.
Please? Please don't be so dismissive. The metal inflator is an aftermarket part, but the rest are built-in elements, and although DSMBs seem to come with packages of all the features I've listed, there's little crossover.
  • The ones with mesh pouches and chemstick sleeves are mostly closed-bottom with one seam.
  • The open-bottom ones with mesh pouches and chemstick sleeves are huge and don't roll tightly, have V-straps, close with velcro on long nylon straps, and lack bottom weights.
  • The ones with large, low-profile OPVs are closed-bottom.
  • The open-bottom ones with large, well-placed OPVs have high-profile OPVs, so they don't roll tightly, and they lack the mesh pouches and chemstick sleeves.
It's somewhat surprising that, given the diversity of products on the market, nobody has made a DSMB that checks most of the boxes.
 
Did you look at AP over in England?

TECLINE in Poland?
Not before ordering, but I just did. They've got good stuff, it looks like, but again, the DSMBs don't have the combination of features I'm dreaming of.

In the end, I gave up and ordered two DSMBs from Ali Express, plus two metal inflator assemblies. They're also not exactly what I'm dreaming of, they're close enough to function, especially at the price I paid (about 1/3 of what AP and Tecline charge).
 
Not before ordering, but I just did. They've got good stuff, it looks like, but again, the DSMBs don't have the combination of features I'm dreaming of.

In the end, I gave up and ordered two DSMBs from Ali Express, plus two metal inflator assemblies. They're also not exactly what I'm dreaming of, they're close enough to function, especially at the price I paid (about 1/3 of what AP and Tecline charge).

Where did you get the inflator assemblies? I've been looking to DIY my own and haven't found anything that was of a good enough quality.
 
Maybe you can DIY some of the features yourself to a off the shelve product?
Shouldn't be too hard to do
 
The Mares DSMB fills most of the criteria

  • seams on both edges (for even rolling) YES
  • open-bottom style with internal baffle YES
  • metal one-way inflator valve YES
  • large-diameter, low-profile OPV YES
  • OPV located toward bottom YES
  • small internal weight on bottom YES
  • mesh pouch for storing chemstick NO, AND NEVER SEEN THIS ON ANY DSMB
  • clear tube at top for deploying chemstick YES
  • 2" radar-reflector strip - HAS REFLECTOR STRIP, NO IDEA IF A RADAR PICKS IT UP
  • D-ring at tube bottom (no V-straps) YES
  • bungee closure on roll-up (no velcro) NO, BUT YOU CAN USE A PIECE OF BUNGEE
  • plastic D-ring on top (for hanging to dry) NO
 
The Mares DSMB fills most of the criteria

  • seams on both edges (for even rolling) YES
  • open-bottom style with internal baffle YES
  • metal one-way inflator valve YES
  • large-diameter, low-profile OPV YES
  • OPV located toward bottom YES
  • small internal weight on bottom YES
  • mesh pouch for storing chemstick NO, AND NEVER SEEN THIS ON ANY DSMB
  • clear tube at top for deploying chemstick YES
  • 2" radar-reflector strip - HAS REFLECTOR STRIP, NO IDEA IF A RADAR PICKS IT UP
  • D-ring at tube bottom (no V-straps) YES
  • bungee closure on roll-up (no velcro) NO, BUT YOU CAN USE A PIECE OF BUNGEE
  • plastic D-ring on top (for hanging to dry) NO
My Mares SMB (my wife also has the same model) sticks at the internal baffle making it very difficult to inflate using exhale breaths or with an AAS. I find the inflator tube is poor quality and leaks too.
 
My Mares SMB (my wife also has the same model) sticks at the internal baffle making it very difficult to inflate using exhale breaths or with an AAS. I find the inflator tube is poor quality and leaks too.

Perhaps you have a Friday afternoon one, mine works great and I've been using it for over two years.

FYI I use an LP inflator hose (from drysuit) to inflate the DSMB, works a treat and more efficient than exhaled breathes.
 
Perhaps you have a Friday afternoon one, mine works great and I've been using it for over two years.

FYI I use an LP inflator hose (from drysuit) to inflate the DSMB, works a treat and more efficient than exhaled breathes.

It happens to both of them, I've tried lubricating it with various things but nothing has worked very well. Eventually I swapped it for a Kent Tooling CO2 SMB for my backup and an AP Buddy crack bottle for my primary.
 
https://www.shearwater.com/products/peregrine/

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