ScubaSteve
Wow.....what a DB
:lol:
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But then again, you have to kill a dozen women to piece together one brain.
I figured the female brain would be more because they "Know it all" already"
msbrew
Contributor
All My Sons...
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.
Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."
The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline company, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."
The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best Universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"
One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the Successes of our sons. ..What about your son?"
The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."
The three friends said: "What a shame...What a disappointment."
The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.
Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."
The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline company, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."
The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best Universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"
One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the Successes of our sons. ..What about your son?"
The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."
The three friends said: "What a shame...What a disappointment."
The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."
Frank traveled up to Alaska , spotted a small brown bear and shot it.
Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see
a big black bear.
The black bear said, 'That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin.
I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have
sex.' After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter
alternative. So the black bear had his way with Frank.
Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed
revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the
black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his
shoulder.
This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly
said, 'That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got
two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have 'rough sex.' Again,
Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be
mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank. Although he
survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered.
Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and
managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet
revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on is shoulder. He
turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.
The polar bear looked at him and said, 'Admit it Frank, you don't come
here for the hunting, do you?'
Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see
a big black bear.
The black bear said, 'That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin.
I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have
sex.' After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter
alternative. So the black bear had his way with Frank.
Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed
revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the
black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his
shoulder.
This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly
said, 'That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got
two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have 'rough sex.' Again,
Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be
mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank. Although he
survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered.
Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and
managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet
revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on is shoulder. He
turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.
The polar bear looked at him and said, 'Admit it Frank, you don't come
here for the hunting, do you?'
pidgiepoo
Contributor
It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb).
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women reading this will be finished now. .....
Men are still busy checking their thumbs.
One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb).
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women reading this will be finished now. .....
Men are still busy checking their thumbs.
Clint Smith, Director of Thunder Ranch, is part Drill Instructor, And part stand up comic. Here are a few of his observations on Tactics, firearms, self defense and life as we know it in the Civilized world.
'The true Soldier fights not because he hates what is in front of him, but because He loves what is behind him.' -G. K. Chesterton
A people that values its privileges above its principles will soon lose both.
'Those who hammer their guns into plows will plow for those who do not.' ~ Thomas Jefferson
"A general dissolution of principles and manners will more surely overthrow the liberties of America than the whole force of the common enemy." --Samuel Adams
"The handgun would not be my choice of weapon if I knew I was going to a fight....I'd choose a rifle, a shotgun, an RPG or an atomic Bomb instead."
"The two most important rules in a gunfight are: Always cheat and Always win."
"Every time I teach a class, I discover I don't know something."
"Don't forget, incoming fire has the right of way."
"Make your attacker advance through a wall of bullets. I may get killed with my own gun, but he's gonna have to beat me to death with it, cause it's going to be empty."
"If you're not shootin', you should be loadin'. If you're not loadin, you should be movin', if you're not movin', someone's gonna Cut your head off and put it on a stick."
"When you reload in low light encounters, don't put your flashlight in your back pocket... If you light yourself up, you'll look like an angel or the tooth fairy...and you're gonna be one of 'em pretty soon."
"Do something. It may be wrong, but do something."
"Nothing adds a little class to a sniper course like a babe in a Ghilliesuit."
"Shoot what's available, as long as it's available, until something else becomes available."
"If you carry a gun, people will call you paranoid. That's ridiculous. If I have a gun, what in the hell do I have to be paranoid for?"
"Don't shoot fast, shoot good."
"You can say 'stop' or 'alto' or use any other word you think will work, but I've found that a large bore muzzle pointed at someone's head is pretty much the universal language."
"You have the rest of your life to solve your problems. How long you live depends on how well you do it."
"You cannot save the planet. You may be able to save yourself and your family."
"Thunder Ranch will be here as long as you'll have us, or until someone makes us go away. Either way it will be exciting."
More Excellent Gun Wisdom.......The purpose of fighting is to Win!
There is no possible victory in defense. The sword is more important than the shield, and skill is more important than either.
The final weapon is the brain. All else is supplemental.
Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, He'll just kill you.
If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck.
I carry a gun 'cause a cop is too heavy.
When seconds count, the cops are just minutes away.
A reporter did a human-interest piece on the Texas Rangers. The reporter recognized the Colt Model 1911 the Ranger was carrying and asked him, "Why do you carry a 45?" The Ranger responded, "Because they don't make a 46."
An armed criminal will kill an unarmed man with monotonous regularity.
The old sheriff was attending an awards dinner when a lady commented on his wearing his sidearm. 'Sheriff, I see you have your pistol. Are you expecting trouble?' 'No ma'am. If I were expecting trouble, I would have brought my rifle.'
Beware the man who only has one gun. He probably knows how to use it!
'The true Soldier fights not because he hates what is in front of him, but because He loves what is behind him.' -G. K. Chesterton
A people that values its privileges above its principles will soon lose both.
'Those who hammer their guns into plows will plow for those who do not.' ~ Thomas Jefferson
"A general dissolution of principles and manners will more surely overthrow the liberties of America than the whole force of the common enemy." --Samuel Adams
pidgiepoo
Contributor
A New slant on an old email!! but truthful!!!
>
> The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History.
> Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death?"
>
> She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Johnny, who had his
> hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.
>
> 'Very good!' Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the
> People, shall not perish from the Earth?'
>
> Again, no response except from Little Johnny, 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'.
>
> The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed,
> Little Johnny knows more about history than you do.'
>
> She heard a loud whisper: '**** the Indians.'
>
> 'Who said that?' she demanded.
>
> Little Johnny put his hand up, 'General Custer, 1862.'
>
> At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'
>
> The teacher glares around and asks 'All right!!! Now who said that!?'
>
> Again, Little Johnny says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime
> Minister, 1991.'
>
> Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'
>
> Little Johnny jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the
> teacher , 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997.'
>
> Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little ****. If you say
> anything else, I'll kill you.'
>
> Little Johnny frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael
> Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him- 2004.'
>
> The teacher fainted.
>
> And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someo ne
> said, 'Oh ****, we're screwed!'
>
> Little Johnny said quietlly, "The American people, November 4, 2008."
>
> The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History.
> Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death?"
>
> She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Johnny, who had his
> hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.
>
> 'Very good!' Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the
> People, shall not perish from the Earth?'
>
> Again, no response except from Little Johnny, 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'.
>
> The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed,
> Little Johnny knows more about history than you do.'
>
> She heard a loud whisper: '**** the Indians.'
>
> 'Who said that?' she demanded.
>
> Little Johnny put his hand up, 'General Custer, 1862.'
>
> At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'
>
> The teacher glares around and asks 'All right!!! Now who said that!?'
>
> Again, Little Johnny says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime
> Minister, 1991.'
>
> Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'
>
> Little Johnny jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the
> teacher , 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997.'
>
> Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little ****. If you say
> anything else, I'll kill you.'
>
> Little Johnny frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael
> Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him- 2004.'
>
> The teacher fainted.
>
> And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someo ne
> said, 'Oh ****, we're screwed!'
>
> Little Johnny said quietlly, "The American people, November 4, 2008."
dive bandit
Contributor
A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for an entire month."
The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the church. When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying, and the husband obviously was very depressed.
"You are back so soon. Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired..
"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month," the young man replied sadly.
The pastor asked him what happened.
"Well, the first week was difficult; however, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. The third week, however, was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible, or anything to keep our minds free of carnal thoughts.
But one afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there," admitted the man.
"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.
"We know," said the young man, hanging his head.
"We're not very welcome at Lowe's, either.
The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the church. When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying, and the husband obviously was very depressed.
"You are back so soon. Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired..
"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month," the young man replied sadly.
The pastor asked him what happened.
"Well, the first week was difficult; however, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. The third week, however, was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible, or anything to keep our minds free of carnal thoughts.
But one afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there," admitted the man.
"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.
"We know," said the young man, hanging his head.
"We're not very welcome at Lowe's, either.
DiveDocMD
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A captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the sergeant leading the tour,
"What's the camel for?"
The sergeant replied, "Well sir, its a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, we have the camel."
The captain said, "If it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me."
After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!"
The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captain's quarters. The captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have xxxxxxxxx with the camel. As he stepped down from the stool, satisfied, he asked the sergeant,
"Is that how the enlisted men do it?"
The sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."
"What's the camel for?"
The sergeant replied, "Well sir, its a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, we have the camel."
The captain said, "If it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me."
After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!"
The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captain's quarters. The captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have xxxxxxxxx with the camel. As he stepped down from the stool, satisfied, he asked the sergeant,
"Is that how the enlisted men do it?"
The sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."
The year is 1947
Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little over 60 years Ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five Aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and mule ranch just outside Roswell New Mexico . This is a well known incident that many say has long been Covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies and Organizations.
However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April 1948, nine Months after that historic day, the following people were born:
>
>
>
>
Albert A. Gore, Jr..
Hillary Rodham
John F. Kerry
William J. Clinton
Howard Dean
Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein
Charles E. Schumer
Barbara Boxer
See what happens when aliens breed with sheep and jackasses?
I certainly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you. It did for me. No wonder they support the bill to help illegal aliens! Now You Know.
Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little over 60 years Ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five Aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and mule ranch just outside Roswell New Mexico . This is a well known incident that many say has long been Covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies and Organizations.
However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April 1948, nine Months after that historic day, the following people were born:
>
>
>
>
Albert A. Gore, Jr..
Hillary Rodham
John F. Kerry
William J. Clinton
Howard Dean
Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein
Charles E. Schumer
Barbara Boxer
See what happens when aliens breed with sheep and jackasses?
I certainly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you. It did for me. No wonder they support the bill to help illegal aliens! Now You Know.
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