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WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK...
>>
>> I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
>>
>> A half-gallon of 2% milk
>> A carton of eggs
>> A quart of orange juice
>> A head of lettuce
>> A 2 lb. can of coffee
>> A 1 lb. package of bacon
>>
>> As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
>> drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of
>> the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the
>> drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'
>>
>> I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the
>> derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right. I
>> looked
>> at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual
>> about
>> my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital
>> status..
>>
>> Curiosity getting the better of me, I said , 'Yes you are correct .
>> But
>> how on earth did you know that?'
>>
>>
>> The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'
>>
>> I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
>>
>> A half-gallon of 2% milk
>> A carton of eggs
>> A quart of orange juice
>> A head of lettuce
>> A 2 lb. can of coffee
>> A 1 lb. package of bacon
>>
>> As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
>> drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of
>> the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the
>> drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'
>>
>> I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the
>> derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right. I
>> looked
>> at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual
>> about
>> my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital
>> status..
>>
>> Curiosity getting the better of me, I said , 'Yes you are correct .
>> But
>> how on earth did you know that?'
>>
>>
>> The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'
mike_s
Contributor
I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance.
So I pushed her
So I pushed her
SolarStorm
Contributor
This is one of my favorite times of the year. All the trees in full color, warm autumn days. And the geese flying in beautiful V formations.
AND I finally figgured it out! For years the geese have bothered me. One side of the V is always longer. Well today I finally found out why?
Duh, there are more geese on that side!
AND I finally figgured it out! For years the geese have bothered me. One side of the V is always longer. Well today I finally found out why?
Duh, there are more geese on that side!
Why .....do Grocery stores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?
Why .....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke?
Why ...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters?
Why ......do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage?
Why . .....do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering?
EVER WONDER ...
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on planes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Why .....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke?
Why ...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters?
Why ......do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage?
Why . .....do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering?
EVER WONDER ...
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on planes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iBoob will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.
This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
Prince Charles decided to take up jogging.
Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner.
He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the curb.
"No! Five pounds!" He would fire back, just to shut her up.
This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.
He'd run by and she'd yell, "One hundred and Fifty pounds!"
He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"
One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog.
As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner,
Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his Wife.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual..
Sure enough, there was the hooker. He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.
Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled:
"See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard?!"
Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner.
He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the curb.
"No! Five pounds!" He would fire back, just to shut her up.
This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.
He'd run by and she'd yell, "One hundred and Fifty pounds!"
He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"
One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog.
As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner,
Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his Wife.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual..
Sure enough, there was the hooker. He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.
Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled:
"See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard?!"
The Anchor
Contributor
After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old
hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the
stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one
before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, 'How about that!
Here's a picture of my daddy.'
He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his daddy, but on
the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung
it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he
would go there and look at it.
His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn.
One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.
As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with.
hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the
stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one
before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, 'How about that!
Here's a picture of my daddy.'
He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his daddy, but on
the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung
it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he
would go there and look at it.
His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn.
One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.
As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with.
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