Why aren't more people taking up scuba diving?
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OP
Monty Python’s “The Dive Industry Sketch”
CAST:
LDS Owner: Michael Palin
Potential Customer: John Cleese
SCENE:
[A bell rings as the door to a dive shop swings open. A potential new customer rushes in out of the rain, approaches the counter, and patiently waits a few moments for the LDS owner - who is busily dusting aging inventory - to notice him.]
CUSTOMER: [Clears throat loudly.]
LDS OWNER: ”Oh, well hello there!”
CUSTOMER: ”Good day. I’ve come in to find out about...”
LDS OWNER: ”Come in to find out about how to 'Be A Diver’ have we? Wonderful!”
CUSTOMER: ”Um, uh,”
LDS OWNER: ”You’re in luck! We’re running a special on scuba diving certification!”
CUSTOMER: "Hmm…"
LDS OWNER: "The class is $395. And you'll have to buy your own mask, fins, snorkel, booties..."
CUSTOMER: "That stuff isn’t included in the course fee? What do you charge for that stuff?"
LDS OWNER: "Well it depends. Masks can run as high as $125 for a good one. Snorkels can be $40 for this fancy one. Booties are another $40. And these "Smoke-On-Your-Wallet" split-fins are $259."
CUSTOMER: "Hmm... so a new diver is looking at more than $800 before they even get wet?"
LDS OWNER: "Oh, heavens no..."
CUSTOMER: "Whew!"
LDS OWNER: "... you'll also want to factor in buying your own wetsuit. People pee in those things, you know!"
CUSTOMER: "Um..."
LDS OWNER: "... and a BCD, a regulator, a backup regulator, a computer, a backup computer..."
CUSTOMER: ”Why would I need backup gear?”
LDS OWNER: ”In case your primary gear fails, of course.”
CUSTOMER: ”Does the primary gear fail often?”
LDS OWNER: ”With alarming regularity… theoretically speaking, of course.”
CUSTOMER: "Um, so what does all that stuff cost? The training, the personal gear, and the other stuff you say I need?”
LDS OWNER: "Right. Let’s get down to business! Very direct, I like the way you think! [Starts piling gear on the counter and ringing customer up on cash register] Figure another $1,500 on the low end, maybe $2,500 on the high end. A few retractors, a snorkel keeper, some defog, Of course, someday you might dive TriMix... so you'll want this $2,000 gas-switching computer..."
CUSTOMER: "Um, perhaps a crazy thought sir, but can’t I just rent that stuff when I take my wife and kids on our once-a-year vacation?"
LDS OWNER: "Oh, sure. You can always rent gear, if you want to die. This stuff is life-support equipment! And very delicate, too! Rental gear is usually 25yrs old, stored in a trash bin, and is only serviced by drunken chimpanzees after someone dies while using it. Besides, rental gear will be very different than what we use here in class, see these square buttons? [Points to LPI attached to a BCD] These square buttons could well be round buttons on rental gear! See what I’m getting at? You’d really be in a pickle then, wouldn’t you? Quite the pickle indeed!”
CUSTOMER: ”Ok. But once I buy my own gear I’m all set then, right?”
LDS OWNER : “Right.”
CUSTOMER: ”Ok.”
LDS OWNER: ”Except for the annual service.”
CUSTOMER: ”Annual service!?!”
LDS OWNER: ”Indeed. Life support equipment must be serviced every year! Can only be done by the guy we keep locked in the back room here at the shop. Can’t expect to be able to turn a few screws or change a battery yourself, can you!”
CUSTOMER: "So I'm looking at spending more money each year in service costs - on the $2,500 worth of gear you want me to buy today - than I would pay to rent the very same gear for the one trip each year I'm planning on taking?"
LDS OWNER: "Oh, heaven's no..."
CUSTOMER: "Whew!"
LDS OWNER: "You need to dive locally too! Of course you'll need a drysuit, and drysuit training, and your own tanks, and a redundant tank, and you'll want to get nitrox certified..."
CUSTOMER: "Wait, what!?! What's nitrox?"
LDS OWNER: "A special gas you need to breathe... it helps make diving safe."
CUSTOMER: "Wait, what!?! Is diving unsafe!?!"
LDS OWNER: "Oh heaven's no! As long as you take the Rescue Diver course..."
CUSTOMER: "What's a Rescue Diver course?"
LDS OWNER: "$450."
CUSTOMER: "No, no! Why do I need to take a Rescue Diver course?"
LDS OWNER: "So that your wife and kids don't die!"
CUSTOMER: "Huh!?!"
LDS OWNER: "...but you’ll need to take Advanced Open Water first..."
CUSTOMER: "I need to be an advanced diver?"
LDS OWNER: "Oh, heavens no! It's just that the OW course doesn't really teach you everything you need to know to go diving.”
CUSTOMER: ”But aren’t there training standards?”
LDS OWNER: ”Of course there are standards. [Wistfully staring out the window.] Though... they’re not like they used to be, I’ll tell you that much. Back when dive training was worth paying good money for it was done by navy seals, who would spend six months trying to kill you,"
CUSTOMER: ”So the standards are lower now?”
LDS OWNER: ”Oh yes! Abysmally so. But not all training agencies are that way.”
CUSTOMER: ”What’s a training agency?”
LDS OWNER: ”They oversee the training. Well, technically speaking the instructor oversees the training, not the agency. The different agencies are just publishing companies, each with their own standards.”
CUSTOMER: ”So there ARE standards, then?”
LDS OWNER: ”Oh, of course! Wouldn’t be much of a profession without standards then, would it?”
CUSTOMER: ”But if I’m hearing you right, the standards... aren’t... actually... standard?”
LDS OWNER: ”Right.”
CUSTOMER: "So after spending $395 to get certified, for which I need to spend another $400 for personal gear, I’ll need to take Nitrox, Drysuit, AOW, and Rescue Diver in order to really know how to dive, so I can spend another $2,000 per person for the rest of the gear, which will need to be serviced every year, because if I rent gear in the Cayman Islands, my wife, kids, and I will probably die?"
LDS OWNER: "Ah, yes! Been doing your research on ScubaBoard then, I see!?! I knew you were a sharp cookie!”
CUSTOMER: ”What’s a ScubaBoard?”
LDS OWNER: ”Great website, lots of divers there. Even cave divers post there, you know!”
CUSTOMER: ”People dive in caves?”
LDS OWNER: ”Whoa, let’s not get ahead of ourselves, then. You haven’t even paid for THIS gear yet!” [Presenting customer with lengthy bill.]
CUSTOMER: ”So that’s roughly $20,000 in gear and training, plus annual service costs on four sets of gear, plus airfare, hotel, and food so that my wife, kids, and I can look at some pretty fishies once a year, assuming of course that we don’t die?”
LDS OWNER: ”Don’t forget tips.”
CUSTOMER: ”Tips?”
LDS OWNER: ”Of course! For the DMs. They’re professionals, you know! [Stares out the window, thoughtfully] Though... come to think of it, we don’t actually pay them. [Snaps back to present.] Well, that’s neither here nor there,”
CUSTOMER: ”Well, I guess it’s worth throwing the DM a few dollars knowing I can count on them to keep my wife, kids, and I from dying.”
LDS OWNER: ”Right. Yes. Well, not exactly.”
CUSTOMER: ”Seems like a lot of time, effort, and money for something that I really only see myself doing once or twice a year on vacation.”
LDS OWNER: ”Don’t forget the freezing cold quarry that’s 4hrs from here!”
CUSTOMER: ”What can we see in a freezing cold quarry?”
LDS OWNER: ”There’s a school bus. Ooh, with a trout in it!”
CUSTOMER: ”I see,”
LDS OWNER: ”Not with the viz we get up there after an OW class has come through, you won’t,”
CUSTOMER: [Slowly backing towards the door.]
LDS OWNER: ”We have a class starting tonight,”
CUSTOMER: ”Yeah, um, ya know, my wife and kids are in the car... and, well, I’m thinking, maybe, maybe we’ll come back another time.” [Heads for the door]
LDS OWNER: ”Oh you are a sharp cookie then! [Calling after the Customer as he exits shop] Waiting is a perfect idea! You’ve no doubt read on ScubaBoard that there’s a move afoot to make the training harder, and longer... and far more expensive if you’re lucky! Then you can REALLY be a diver! Come back soon...”
[Bell rings as the door closes. Through the shop window we see the customer getting into his car and driving off.]
LDS OWNER’s WIFE (Terry Jones in drag): [Coming out from back room.] “Was that a customer, dear?”
LDS OWNER: ”Indeed! He said he’ll be back... with his wife and kids!” [LDS Owner resumes dusting aging inventory]
[Scene shifts to interior of Customer’s car.]
CUSTOMER’s WIFE (Eric Idle, in drag): [Speaking to husband, curtly.] “Good heavens, what took so long in there?”
CUSTOMER: ”Couldn't get a word in edgewise. He was going on about poor dive training, and expensive gear, and annual service costs, and how you and the kids will probably die if we take up scuba diving.”
CUSTOMER’s WIFE: “Take up Scuba diving?”
CUSTOMER: ”Indeed.”
CUSTOMER’s WIFE: ”Who wants to take up scuba diving?”
CUSTOMER: ”Sorry, dear. He just seemed so excited, I didn’t have the heart to tell him I only came in to ask if he knew what became of the vacuum cleaner shop that used to be next door.”
CAST:
LDS Owner: Michael Palin
Potential Customer: John Cleese
SCENE:
[A bell rings as the door to a dive shop swings open. A potential new customer rushes in out of the rain, approaches the counter, and patiently waits a few moments for the LDS owner - who is busily dusting aging inventory - to notice him.]
CUSTOMER: [Clears throat loudly.]
LDS OWNER: ”Oh, well hello there!”
CUSTOMER: ”Good day. I’ve come in to find out about...”
LDS OWNER: ”Come in to find out about how to 'Be A Diver’ have we? Wonderful!”
CUSTOMER: ”Um, uh,”
LDS OWNER: ”You’re in luck! We’re running a special on scuba diving certification!”
CUSTOMER: "Hmm…"
LDS OWNER: "The class is $395. And you'll have to buy your own mask, fins, snorkel, booties..."
CUSTOMER: "That stuff isn’t included in the course fee? What do you charge for that stuff?"
LDS OWNER: "Well it depends. Masks can run as high as $125 for a good one. Snorkels can be $40 for this fancy one. Booties are another $40. And these "Smoke-On-Your-Wallet" split-fins are $259."
CUSTOMER: "Hmm... so a new diver is looking at more than $800 before they even get wet?"
LDS OWNER: "Oh, heavens no..."
CUSTOMER: "Whew!"
LDS OWNER: "... you'll also want to factor in buying your own wetsuit. People pee in those things, you know!"
CUSTOMER: "Um..."
LDS OWNER: "... and a BCD, a regulator, a backup regulator, a computer, a backup computer..."
CUSTOMER: ”Why would I need backup gear?”
LDS OWNER: ”In case your primary gear fails, of course.”
CUSTOMER: ”Does the primary gear fail often?”
LDS OWNER: ”With alarming regularity… theoretically speaking, of course.”
CUSTOMER: "Um, so what does all that stuff cost? The training, the personal gear, and the other stuff you say I need?”
LDS OWNER: "Right. Let’s get down to business! Very direct, I like the way you think! [Starts piling gear on the counter and ringing customer up on cash register] Figure another $1,500 on the low end, maybe $2,500 on the high end. A few retractors, a snorkel keeper, some defog, Of course, someday you might dive TriMix... so you'll want this $2,000 gas-switching computer..."
CUSTOMER: "Um, perhaps a crazy thought sir, but can’t I just rent that stuff when I take my wife and kids on our once-a-year vacation?"
LDS OWNER: "Oh, sure. You can always rent gear, if you want to die. This stuff is life-support equipment! And very delicate, too! Rental gear is usually 25yrs old, stored in a trash bin, and is only serviced by drunken chimpanzees after someone dies while using it. Besides, rental gear will be very different than what we use here in class, see these square buttons? [Points to LPI attached to a BCD] These square buttons could well be round buttons on rental gear! See what I’m getting at? You’d really be in a pickle then, wouldn’t you? Quite the pickle indeed!”
CUSTOMER: ”Ok. But once I buy my own gear I’m all set then, right?”
LDS OWNER : “Right.”
CUSTOMER: ”Ok.”
LDS OWNER: ”Except for the annual service.”
CUSTOMER: ”Annual service!?!”
LDS OWNER: ”Indeed. Life support equipment must be serviced every year! Can only be done by the guy we keep locked in the back room here at the shop. Can’t expect to be able to turn a few screws or change a battery yourself, can you!”
CUSTOMER: "So I'm looking at spending more money each year in service costs - on the $2,500 worth of gear you want me to buy today - than I would pay to rent the very same gear for the one trip each year I'm planning on taking?"
LDS OWNER: "Oh, heaven's no..."
CUSTOMER: "Whew!"
LDS OWNER: "You need to dive locally too! Of course you'll need a drysuit, and drysuit training, and your own tanks, and a redundant tank, and you'll want to get nitrox certified..."
CUSTOMER: "Wait, what!?! What's nitrox?"
LDS OWNER: "A special gas you need to breathe... it helps make diving safe."
CUSTOMER: "Wait, what!?! Is diving unsafe!?!"
LDS OWNER: "Oh heaven's no! As long as you take the Rescue Diver course..."
CUSTOMER: "What's a Rescue Diver course?"
LDS OWNER: "$450."
CUSTOMER: "No, no! Why do I need to take a Rescue Diver course?"
LDS OWNER: "So that your wife and kids don't die!"
CUSTOMER: "Huh!?!"
LDS OWNER: "...but you’ll need to take Advanced Open Water first..."
CUSTOMER: "I need to be an advanced diver?"
LDS OWNER: "Oh, heavens no! It's just that the OW course doesn't really teach you everything you need to know to go diving.”
CUSTOMER: ”But aren’t there training standards?”
LDS OWNER: ”Of course there are standards. [Wistfully staring out the window.] Though... they’re not like they used to be, I’ll tell you that much. Back when dive training was worth paying good money for it was done by navy seals, who would spend six months trying to kill you,"
CUSTOMER: ”So the standards are lower now?”
LDS OWNER: ”Oh yes! Abysmally so. But not all training agencies are that way.”
CUSTOMER: ”What’s a training agency?”
LDS OWNER: ”They oversee the training. Well, technically speaking the instructor oversees the training, not the agency. The different agencies are just publishing companies, each with their own standards.”
CUSTOMER: ”So there ARE standards, then?”
LDS OWNER: ”Oh, of course! Wouldn’t be much of a profession without standards then, would it?”
CUSTOMER: ”But if I’m hearing you right, the standards... aren’t... actually... standard?”
LDS OWNER: ”Right.”
CUSTOMER: "So after spending $395 to get certified, for which I need to spend another $400 for personal gear, I’ll need to take Nitrox, Drysuit, AOW, and Rescue Diver in order to really know how to dive, so I can spend another $2,000 per person for the rest of the gear, which will need to be serviced every year, because if I rent gear in the Cayman Islands, my wife, kids, and I will probably die?"
LDS OWNER: "Ah, yes! Been doing your research on ScubaBoard then, I see!?! I knew you were a sharp cookie!”
CUSTOMER: ”What’s a ScubaBoard?”
LDS OWNER: ”Great website, lots of divers there. Even cave divers post there, you know!”
CUSTOMER: ”People dive in caves?”
LDS OWNER: ”Whoa, let’s not get ahead of ourselves, then. You haven’t even paid for THIS gear yet!” [Presenting customer with lengthy bill.]
CUSTOMER: ”So that’s roughly $20,000 in gear and training, plus annual service costs on four sets of gear, plus airfare, hotel, and food so that my wife, kids, and I can look at some pretty fishies once a year, assuming of course that we don’t die?”
LDS OWNER: ”Don’t forget tips.”
CUSTOMER: ”Tips?”
LDS OWNER: ”Of course! For the DMs. They’re professionals, you know! [Stares out the window, thoughtfully] Though... come to think of it, we don’t actually pay them. [Snaps back to present.] Well, that’s neither here nor there,”
CUSTOMER: ”Well, I guess it’s worth throwing the DM a few dollars knowing I can count on them to keep my wife, kids, and I from dying.”
LDS OWNER: ”Right. Yes. Well, not exactly.”
CUSTOMER: ”Seems like a lot of time, effort, and money for something that I really only see myself doing once or twice a year on vacation.”
LDS OWNER: ”Don’t forget the freezing cold quarry that’s 4hrs from here!”
CUSTOMER: ”What can we see in a freezing cold quarry?”
LDS OWNER: ”There’s a school bus. Ooh, with a trout in it!”
CUSTOMER: ”I see,”
LDS OWNER: ”Not with the viz we get up there after an OW class has come through, you won’t,”
CUSTOMER: [Slowly backing towards the door.]
LDS OWNER: ”We have a class starting tonight,”
CUSTOMER: ”Yeah, um, ya know, my wife and kids are in the car... and, well, I’m thinking, maybe, maybe we’ll come back another time.” [Heads for the door]
LDS OWNER: ”Oh you are a sharp cookie then! [Calling after the Customer as he exits shop] Waiting is a perfect idea! You’ve no doubt read on ScubaBoard that there’s a move afoot to make the training harder, and longer... and far more expensive if you’re lucky! Then you can REALLY be a diver! Come back soon...”
[Bell rings as the door closes. Through the shop window we see the customer getting into his car and driving off.]
LDS OWNER’s WIFE (Terry Jones in drag): [Coming out from back room.] “Was that a customer, dear?”
LDS OWNER: ”Indeed! He said he’ll be back... with his wife and kids!” [LDS Owner resumes dusting aging inventory]
[Scene shifts to interior of Customer’s car.]
CUSTOMER’s WIFE (Eric Idle, in drag): [Speaking to husband, curtly.] “Good heavens, what took so long in there?”
CUSTOMER: ”Couldn't get a word in edgewise. He was going on about poor dive training, and expensive gear, and annual service costs, and how you and the kids will probably die if we take up scuba diving.”
CUSTOMER’s WIFE: “Take up Scuba diving?”
CUSTOMER: ”Indeed.”
CUSTOMER’s WIFE: ”Who wants to take up scuba diving?”
CUSTOMER: ”Sorry, dear. He just seemed so excited, I didn’t have the heart to tell him I only came in to ask if he knew what became of the vacuum cleaner shop that used to be next door.”
Reku
Contributor
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Aggressive sales don't work on me 
, There is nothing sadder then seeing a LDS forcing gear/classes onto people that they probably don't need/won't use or trying to get them to buy something low quality. When they resort to those tactics you know there's blood in the water and that dive shop won't be around much longer.
, There is nothing sadder then seeing a LDS forcing gear/classes onto people that they probably don't need/won't use or trying to get them to buy something low quality. When they resort to those tactics you know there's blood in the water and that dive shop won't be around much longer.
DiverDownD3
Contributor
Wow, that was funny but you have way too much free time...lol
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RJP, That was so good I actually had to read it all.
drrich2
Contributor
From my very limited observational experience, it seems like having to buy your own mask, fins & snorkel is a requirement for an OW course. Why is that? RJP's comical narrative example brings out an interesting point; it adds a cost barrier to entry into the sport, against people who aren't sure they'll find diving worthwhile yet.
Richard.
Richard.
Slym
Contributor
Lol I basically woke up one day and said I want to scuba dive, held off to make sure it wasn't just a stupid idea, then really got into the idea! Mostly I was looking for adventure.
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I guess there could be two reasons. Of course so the shop can sell them. But also, It may be assumed assumed that if you sign up for OW you are serious about it and probably will finish the course (In my experience, a large majority do). So you'll need the stuff anyway. If unsure, you can sign up for DSD and I doubt you'd purchase any equipment for that. Some already have mask and fins from snorkeling.
widget
Contributor
That was pretty darn funny, not too sure if the point was "not listening" or "hard selling", but, it was certainly a good chuckle.
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