Vent your frustration on this guy!

[fsudiver]

Okay, clearly I am not bitter because I have simply walked away from this relationship. I didn't hurt him, didn't stalk him, didn't cuss at him, didn't throw eggs at his house, nothing like that. All I did was a little healthy venting, and I already feel like I am over him... and in time, will be over the deception.

FYI, here is a definition that does describe him as a psychopath: Psychopaths are manipulative, charming, glib, deceptive, parasitic, irresponsible, selfish, callous, promiscuous, impulsive, antisocial, and aggressive individuals who have no concern for the welfare of others, experience little remorse or guilt as a result of their injurious and antisocial behavior, do not tolerate delay of gratification, and persevere despite punishment; psychopaths are mostly male and are less than 1% in the general population; approximately 11% of the forensic psychiatric population and 23% of the correctional population are psychopaths.

I could give you examples of every adjective used above to describe him, but I won't. To the prior posters who had the same treatment, I am really sorry that you had to go through that. In my case, it was the long "friendship" before dating that threw me for a loop. He really had put on a persona all those years that I beiieved to be real, but once I broke up with him, he showed his true colors first with anger and arrogance. The email I cut and pasted here was his only kind attempt on his part to explain his actions, but even in it, he does exhibit psychopathic behaviors as described above. Let's drop this topic and move on.

I am just a little numb right now from this experience, but I know that will pass in time, too. In the meantime I am staying as busy as possible doing lots of diving and spending time with real friends and family. I know I am much better off without him in my life, and to those of you with similiar stories you shared, you are much better off too!

Very, very few of them are since psychopathy isn't very common and none of what you describe would be typical psychopathic behavior. There are plenty of great non-diagnostic terms you can apply to people such as this: jerk, coward, defecatory orifice, etc. The list is endless. There's no particular need to assume that an extremely severe personaility disorder must be present to account for behavior such as this. It sounds like simple and unfortunately common human venality and weakness.

 

[mstevens]

here is a definition that does describe him as a psychopath

No, that's a description that lists some features psychopaths might show. You have to use actual diagnostic criteria (which include specific behaviors, age at onset, comorbidities, exclusionary criteria, etc.) and know how to apply those criteria. Everyone does some of those things at some times. There are also other criteria that don't appear on your list. The expressions of remorse and guilt on his part which you reported would certainly tend to rule out psychopathy. It's not that I don't think he's probably a spineless weasel. I just doubt he's Charles Manson.

Throwing around psychiatric diagnostic labels is fun sport, but it's practically never accurate unless based on a full exam. I'm board-certified in psychiatry with training in forensics (I consulted in the county jail and state prison systems) and taught full-time at a medical school for several years before a decade of private practice. I would NEVER assume that I'd be able to diagnose a friend, relative, or acquaintance (including my mother-in-law, whom I've known for over a quarter century and have my suspicions about). Why? Because I haven't done a complete psychiatric exam on those people. It actually does make a difference. For all we know, he's decided and perhaps declared to someone that you're "a borderline," based on his own thumbnail guesstimate of psychopathology. That term gets inaccurately applied to women one doesn't like about as much as "psychopath" does to men one doesn't like.

I'm glad you're not bitter.

 

[fsudiver]

Gosh, MStevens, you really sound like the bitter one here, especially based on all of your rehearsed and critical responses. Thanks for being such a fun person on this forum. BTW, I hold similar credentials and have worked in the correctional system. If you look at this forum, it is "Women's Views- Non Diving Related"...this was supposed to be in good fun, venting things. Most everyone else got it, but you tried to stop the discussion in its tracks every time. Lighten up!!!!

No, that's a description that lists some features psychopaths might show. You have to use actual diagnostic criteria (which include specific behaviors, age at onset, comorbidities, exclusionary criteria, etc.) and know how to apply those criteria. Everyone does some of those things at some times. There are also other criteria that don't appear on your list. The expressions of remorse and guilt on his part which you reported would certainly tend to rule out psychopathy. It's not that I don't think he's probably a spineless weasel. I just doubt he's Charles Manson.

Throwing around psychiatric diagnostic labels is fun sport, but it's practically never accurate unless based on a full exam. I'm board-certified in psychiatry with training in forensics (I consulted in the county jail and state prison systems) and taught full-time at a medical school for several years before a decade of private practice. I would NEVER assume that I'd be able to diagnose a friend, relative, or acquaintance (including my mother-in-law, whom I've known for over a quarter century and have my suspicions about). Why? Because I haven't done a complete psychiatric exam on those people. It actually does make a difference. For all we know, he's decided and perhaps declared to someone that you're "a borderline," based on his own thumbnail guesstimate of psychopathology. That term gets inaccurately applied to women one doesn't like about as much as "psychopath" does to men one doesn't like.

:11:

 

[chepar]

Thank you, Ann Marie and all the others who understand where I am coming from. He cheated and he lied repeatedly, and he misled me completely. We had many talks- even on our vacation- about our values and even specifically about faithfulness. He lied with such conviction that I believed him.

Ann Marie and other who have expressed empathy, thank you! I am glad I didn't waste any more time with him, but it will be hard to trust again after this experience. I know I will, though, in time....

I don't normally post on these types of threads, but this got my attention. I know exactly what you're feeling, and I know that sometimes the best way to work through things is to talk about it - sometimes over and over and over.

My life was completely blown apart by my ex-husband around 8 years ago. Very long story which I won't get into detail with - but basically I discovered that everything I knew about him and his past was a lie. I can't even begin to describe how mind-boggling it is to discover that even the most innocuous story about his boyhood was a complete figment of his imagination. All total, I had known him for 8 years before I learned "the truth" - and I discovered that I literally didn't know who he was.

His bizarre, abusive and erratic behavior during the divorce process and after was also completely opposite to the person I had "known" before I discovered the lies. I can't even begin to describe how grateful I am to my sisters and friends that just listened to me vent, analyze and beat the topic to death. They really helped me work through the feelings of betrayal, loss, embarassment, anger and (yes) bitterness.

Unfortunately, I can't say I've gotten to the point where I feel I can trust again - but that doesn't mean that you won't be able to. Continue to do what you're doing and best wishes to your future.

 

[fsudiver]

chepar, I am so sorry to hear about your experience, and so sorry to hear that you can relate. I do think it takes someone who has experienced this level of deception to understand how deeply it hurts. You don't just question the breaking up...you question what you thought was real and you question how on earth you could have been deceived for so long by somebody you trusted.

Venting is a healthy way to work through your feelings, in my opinion...even if others disagree. I don't normally post to these kinds of threads, either, but I felt like I needed to get it out, especially after reading another woman's posting. I already feel better about him being out of my life, but who knows when I will be able to trust again.

Thank you for your kind words, and I wish you all the best, too. Big hugs. :girl_hug:

I don't normally post on these types of threads, but this got my attention. I know exactly what you're feeling, and I know that sometimes the best way to work through things is to talk about it - sometimes over and over and over.

My life was completely blown apart by my ex-husband around 8 years ago. Very long story which I won't get into detail with - but basically I discovered that everything I knew about him and his past was a lie. I can't even begin to describe how mind-boggling it is to discover that even the most innocuous story about his boyhood was a complete figment of his imagination. All total, I had known him for 8 years before I learned "the truth" - and I discovered that I literally didn't know who he was.

His bizarre, abusive and erratic behavior during the divorce process and after was also completely opposite to the person I had "known" before I discovered the lies. I can't even begin to describe how grateful I am to my sisters and friends that just listened to me vent, analyze and beat the topic to death. They really helped me work through the feelings of betrayal, loss, embarassment, anger and (yes) bitterness.

Unfortunately, I can't say I've gotten to the point where I feel I can trust again - but that doesn't mean that you won't be able to. Continue to do what you're doing and best wishes to your future.