Silly things heard on dive trips

[DIR-Atlanta]

Actually, in retrospect, one of the funniest things I ever heard a diver say was the one in my Fundies class who said, "I have no interest in technical diving -- I just want to be the best recreational diver I can be."

I feel your pain.

As an OW diver, I said "I will never EVER go into an overhead environment."

A year later (and after I was Cavern certified) I said "I will never EVER go into a cave."

A year later (and after I was Intro Cave certified) I said "A single tank is plenty for me to see everything I will ever want to see in a cave."

A year later (and after my Full Cave class) I said ... (you get the idea)

 

[ZzzKing]

Not on a dive boat but:

My buddy and I had already made a dive at a state park. We had a table setup with our doubles still assembled and our drysuits hanging on the canopy. We were relaxing in chairs drinking water. A biker rides up with his wife and they walk over. He, of course, asks "You guys diving?" and as quick as I could I replied "Nope, just like hauling the gear around". His wife smacks him in the gut and yells "Here's your sign!".

Now THAT'S a fine woman! He should hang on to her even though he doesn't deserve her.

 

[Wildcard]

White sand is not chewed up coral in terms of a blanket statement. The sand on the beaches of Destin and the Gulf are white and the material is multi cycle quartz sand. It is quartz--silica--not carbonate as would be coral. It is not the product of fish eating corals or whatever.

N

Much if not most of white sand is infact chewed up coral. Places with no white rock that have white sand beaches are in fact coral. There are always exceptions to the rule such as texass.

 

[NC myerssl]

Working as a mate on one of the dive boats, I was helping this woman get ready to jump in. She asked two questions:

1. Do I put on my mask before I jump in?
2. Do I put my regulator in my mouth before I jump in?

I kept my eye on that one

 

[Sasquatch]

After a half dozen dives with this one buddy we are getting ready to splash in ten minutes or so. He casually turns to me after the boat-wide conversation on past non-diving related injuries and says, "Yeah, I actually have sleep apnea and narcolepsy that I have to take medication for." It took a moment for me to process this new data.

"So you fall asleep with no warning and then stop breathing?"

That might be a disqualifier for SCUBA as a recreation, I don't know.

 

[BUGBAGGER]

Heard in Maui
...do you take American money here?

...how long and how many tanks do you think it would take to swim under the island from one side to the other?

...why does the water get colder in the winter time? To which we have learned to reply, considering that the island is "floating" after all(see previous question), you see, the island drifts toward the North pole in the winter and back toward the equator in the summer.

...sharks only swim in deep water.

...after shooting multiple reef fish and holding them up on a stringer on the shore, "Anyone know which of these I can eat?" To which we replied, now, you need to eat them all!(Made sure he didn't have any puffers or other poisonous fish but he had plenty that wouldn't taste good.)

and in Fiji on a liveaboard from a big bad dude

..."I dive in the upper Northwest I don't need a wetsuit!" Water temp was 74-76F. Diver went without a wetsuit on first two dives. Comes back on board with blue lips, shivering. Falls asleep on sun deck, gets sunburnt badly, can't dive a couple days because it is too uncomfortable to put gear on scorched back and shoulders.

His buddies which were his clients decided against his advice not to wear suits. They borrow wetsuits from the crew and did not become over tired from being cold. They enjoyed all their dives that week.

Finally, from a DM in Florida...

DM ".I need a new BC with larger pockets."

Store Instructor "Don't you clip most of your gear off?"

DM "Oh, it's not for my gear. I have had to perform lots of rescues lately and I need a place to put the divers weights when I rescue them."

Store Instructor (knowing who trained this DM and trying not to have her eyes pop out of her skull) " I would recommend that you talk this idea out with your instructor, XXXXX. Your instructor will want to give you some thoughts about why this isn't a very good idea. Also, maybe you can talk about why so many rescues."

 

[gary-ramey]

A husband and wife team who were just like the Honeymooners on the ride out. Of course they took the best positions in back and then hardly listened to the briefing. It came time to jump in and they were on the back ready to go before most even had their gear ready. The husband jumps off first. The DM has to stop the wife from jumping too soon to avoid hitting him because he had failed to listen to the part about the surface current that would cause him to drift back into the boat. The dive guide then grabs a pole and uses it to push the guy back away from the boat. The wife then immediately jumps in. She appears panicked and starts yelling at the husband for some help. The husband swims over to find out the wife had lost her weight belt. She tells him to descend and get it to which he replies "You lost it, you go get it".

On a topside story. "Look Honey all I need is this (put name of piece of diving gear here) and I'm set" I'm not sure what's funnier...me saying it or her believing it.

 

[Batesmotel]

I was helping divers onto the boat. The last man in passes up his fins and as he steps up this odd smell hits me and I see the brown water seeping out from the bottom of his suit. He says, "I thought I just had to fart. May I have a peel?"

Eewww


I was sitting up on the fly bridge with the Captain on the way back in from a 2 tank dive. There was another diver that came to sit as well, and a short conversation between him and the captain went like this "Captain why is my nose bleeding" I look at him like W*F, Captain responds "well if you would stop snorting all that cocain" and the cap rolls his eyes, and here I am about to fall off the freaking fly bridge trying not to laugh at the kid. You gotta wonder how the h*ll some people get certified!!!

 

[almitywife]

Originally Posted by dividiva
I was helping divers onto the boat. The last man in passes up his fins and as he steps up this odd smell hits me and I see the brown water seeping out from the bottom of his suit. He says, "I thought I just had to fart. May I have a peel?"

ok, its ewwhhhh and i get the brown water seeping out bit :l:

but whats a "peel"?

 

[Craig Baumann]

I once had an advanced student who, during the deep-dive portion of our training never used his BCD to control his buoyancy, never checked his gauges - trudged through the mud on his knees instead of kicking and ran out of air at 100ft. I had to share my air, drag him back up the bottom because he would not kick his way along, and I had to use my BCD to control our buoyancy to make a safe return from our dive.

After the dive was over I quietly walked over to talk to this student, and I asked him "So, how do you think you did on that dive?"

He replied, "Oh... pretty good!"