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Puns for Educated Minds

1.
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was
Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2.
I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island,
but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3.
She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.

4.
A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5.
No matter how much you push the envelope,
it'll still be stationery.

6.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road
and was cited for littering.

7.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would
result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9.
A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall.
The police are looking into it.

10.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13.
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said:
'Keep off the Grass.'

15.
The midget fortune-teller who escaped from
prison was a small medium at large.

16.
The soldier who survived mustard gas and
pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17.
A backward poet writes inverse.

18.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts.
In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .

21.
A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says,
'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'

23.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again
that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?'
The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain
during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26.

There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
 
LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE
> >> An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned
> >> to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike
> >> up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
> >> The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the
> >> total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
> >> " Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God,
> >> or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.
> >> "OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a
> >> question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -
> >> grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat
> >> patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
> >> The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks
> >> about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
> >> To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to
> >> discuss why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after
> >> death, when you don't know s**t?"
> >> And then she went back to reading her book.


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CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY...

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind
car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is
left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to
fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in
basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
 
>>>>>Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
>>>>>
>>>>>Johnny: Seven, Sir.
>>>>>
>>>>>Teacher: No, listen carefully...
>>>>>
>>>>>If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
>>>>>
>>>>>Johnny: Seven, Sir.
>>>>>
>>>>>Teacher: Let me put it to you differently.
>>>>>
>>>>>If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?
>>>>>
>>>>>Johnny: Six.
>>>>>
>>>>>Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?
>>>>>
>>>>>Johnny: Seven!!! SIR!
>>>>>
>>>>>A very angry Teacher: Where in the heck do you get seven from?!?!?
>>>>>
>>>>>A very angry Johnny: Because,.... I've already got a friggin' cat!!!
 
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