Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here
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ScubaSteve
Wow.....what a DB
Along similar lines:
---------- Post Merged on October 19th, 2012 at 09:37 AM ---------- Previous Post was on October 18th, 2012 at 07:21 AM ----------
Catch the Ice Dude - YouTube
pidgiepoo
Contributor
>>A motorcycle mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a BMW M3 when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.
>>The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?" The cardiologist, a bit surprised walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.
>>>>The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is it that I make $24,000 a year and you make $1.7M when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
>>>
>>>The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic.....
>>>
>>"Try doing it with the engine running
>>The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?" The cardiologist, a bit surprised walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.
>>>>The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is it that I make $24,000 a year and you make $1.7M when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
>>>
>>>The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic.....
>>>
>>"Try doing it with the engine running
pidgiepoo
Contributor
Customer complaint----
>
>
>
> A man boarded a plane with six kids.
After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting
>
> across the aisle from him leaned
>
> over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"
>
> He replied, "No Ma'am, I work for a condom company.
>
> These are customer complaints."
>
>
>
> A man boarded a plane with six kids.
After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting
>
> across the aisle from him leaned
>
> over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"
>
> He replied, "No Ma'am, I work for a condom company.
>
> These are customer complaints."
Stolen, but a goody.
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed
he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father..'
The little boy replied, 'My Dad doesn't wear his collar like that.'
The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many.'
The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he
doesn't wear his collar that way!'
The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went
back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said,
"Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of
your collar.
Subject: psychic daughter
A father put his three
year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which
she ended by saying:
"God bless Mommy,
God bless Daddy,
God bless Grandma
and good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to
do."
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her
prayers which went like this:
"God bless Mommy,
God Bless Daddy
and good-bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid
is in contact with the other side.
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:
"God bless Mommy
and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at
the crack! of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had
lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until
midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day
he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every
sound.
Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the
matter?"
He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my
life."
She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to
me.
This morning the milkman dropped dead on our porch!!
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed
he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father..'
The little boy replied, 'My Dad doesn't wear his collar like that.'
The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many.'
The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he
doesn't wear his collar that way!'
The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went
back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said,
"Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of
your collar.
Subject: psychic daughter
A father put his three
year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which
she ended by saying:
"God bless Mommy,
God bless Daddy,
God bless Grandma
and good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to
do."
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her
prayers which went like this:
"God bless Mommy,
God Bless Daddy
and good-bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid
is in contact with the other side.
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:
"God bless Mommy
and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at
the crack! of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had
lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until
midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day
he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every
sound.
Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the
matter?"
He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my
life."
She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to
me.
This morning the milkman dropped dead on our porch!!
AlbertaDan
Registered
The Cowboy Boots
Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?
He asked for help and she could see why...
Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.' She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet..
He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?' like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they g otten the boots off when he said, 'They're my brother's boots. My mom made me wear 'em.'
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?'
He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'
She will be eligible for parole in three years
---------- Post Merged at 03:09 AM ---------- Previous Post was at 03:06 AM ----------
This morning on the Interstate,
I looked over to my left and there was a
Woman In a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph
With her Face up next to her
Rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away for a couple seconds...
to continue shaving
And when I looked back she was
Halfway over in my lane,
Still working on that makeup.
As a man, I don't scare easily.
But she scared me so much;
I dropped My electric shaver
Which knocked The donut
Out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying
To straighten out the car
Using my knees against
The steering wheel,
It knocked My Cell Phone
Away from my ear
Which fell Into the coffee
Between my legs!
Splashed, And burned Big Jim and the Twins,
Ruined the damn phone,
Soaked my trousers,
And disconnected an important call...
Damn women drivers
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
At The Pearly Gates
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
"I'm Peter Pilot, retired United Airlines Pilot from Chicago," the guy replies.
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom."
The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's in Pasadena for the last 43 years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."
"Just a minute," says the minister, "that man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff, and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he flew, people prayed."
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
An elderly man lay dying in his bed.
In death's final agony, as he started to slip away, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs. Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs defying the pull of Morpheus.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the
kitchen. Were it not for the immense pain caused by his extreme exertions, he would have thought himself already in heaven for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table, were hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted
wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, with tears in his eyes, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted: the wondrous taste of the sweet biscuit was already mentally in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. He felt renewed strength pulsate through his body.
The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to one lone biscuit at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife......
"F#*! off! " she said, "they're for the funeral."
Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?
He asked for help and she could see why...
Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.' She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet..
He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?' like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they g otten the boots off when he said, 'They're my brother's boots. My mom made me wear 'em.'
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?'
He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'
She will be eligible for parole in three years
---------- Post Merged at 03:09 AM ---------- Previous Post was at 03:06 AM ----------
This morning on the Interstate,
I looked over to my left and there was a
Woman In a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph
With her Face up next to her
Rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away for a couple seconds...
to continue shaving
And when I looked back she was
Halfway over in my lane,
Still working on that makeup.
As a man, I don't scare easily.
But she scared me so much;
I dropped My electric shaver
Which knocked The donut
Out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying
To straighten out the car
Using my knees against
The steering wheel,
It knocked My Cell Phone
Away from my ear
Which fell Into the coffee
Between my legs!
Splashed, And burned Big Jim and the Twins,
Ruined the damn phone,
Soaked my trousers,
And disconnected an important call...
Damn women drivers
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
At The Pearly Gates
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
"I'm Peter Pilot, retired United Airlines Pilot from Chicago," the guy replies.
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom."
The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's in Pasadena for the last 43 years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."
"Just a minute," says the minister, "that man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff, and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he flew, people prayed."
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
An elderly man lay dying in his bed.
In death's final agony, as he started to slip away, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs. Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs defying the pull of Morpheus.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the
kitchen. Were it not for the immense pain caused by his extreme exertions, he would have thought himself already in heaven for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table, were hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted
wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, with tears in his eyes, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted: the wondrous taste of the sweet biscuit was already mentally in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. He felt renewed strength pulsate through his body.
The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to one lone biscuit at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife......
"F#*! off! " she said, "they're for the funeral."
pidgiepoo
Contributor
Magic sandals…..
A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around
the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a
small sandal shop.
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You
foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'
So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave
some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you
wild at sex.'
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what
the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them,
being the Sex God that he was.
The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'
The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in
and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his
eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him
over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and
grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.
The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'
---------- Post Merged at 01:42 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 12:28 PM ----------
> Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will
>
> fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in.
>
> Calling AAA is not an option. I will win.
>
> ______________________________________________
>
>
>
> Because I'm a man , when the car isn't running very well,
> I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what
> I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say
> to the other, 'I used to be able to fix these things, but now
> with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know
> where to start.' We will then drink a couple of beers and
> break wind, as a form of holy communion.
> _______________________________________________
> Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone
> to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and
> moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so
> for you, this is no problem.
> _______________________________________________
> Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic
> groceries at the store, like steaks, beer, milk or bread. I cannot be
> expected to find exotic items like 'tofu' or 'tampons'.
> For all I know, these are the same thing.
> _______________________________________________
> Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops
> working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that
> this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person
> gets here and has to put it back together.
> _______________________________________________
> Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote
> control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been
> misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it .... Though
> one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator ......
> _______________________________________________
> Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm
> thinking about. The true answer is always either food, cars,
> sports or sex. I have to make up something else when
> you ask, so don't ask.
> _______________________________________________
> Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the
> movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't,
> and if you are feeling amorous afterwards ... then I will
> certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.
> _______________________________________________
> Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I
> thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine,
> too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it,
> looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
> _______________________________________________
> Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2012, I
> will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry,
> the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes,
> and I'll do the rest...... like hosing down the patio and wandering
> around in the garden with a soda , or ? and wondering what to do next.
> _______________________________________________
> This has been a public service message for women to Better Understand Men.
>
> and,
> Never expect them to remember who phoned ...or what the message was!
A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around
the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a
small sandal shop.
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You
foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'
So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave
some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you
wild at sex.'
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what
the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them,
being the Sex God that he was.
The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'
The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in
and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his
eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him
over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and
grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.
The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'
---------- Post Merged at 01:42 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 12:28 PM ----------
> Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will
>
> fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in.
>
> Calling AAA is not an option. I will win.
>
> ______________________________________________
>
>
>
> Because I'm a man , when the car isn't running very well,
> I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what
> I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say
> to the other, 'I used to be able to fix these things, but now
> with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know
> where to start.' We will then drink a couple of beers and
> break wind, as a form of holy communion.
> _______________________________________________
> Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone
> to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and
> moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so
> for you, this is no problem.
> _______________________________________________
> Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic
> groceries at the store, like steaks, beer, milk or bread. I cannot be
> expected to find exotic items like 'tofu' or 'tampons'.
> For all I know, these are the same thing.
> _______________________________________________
> Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops
> working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that
> this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person
> gets here and has to put it back together.
> _______________________________________________
> Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote
> control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been
> misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it .... Though
> one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator ......
> _______________________________________________
> Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm
> thinking about. The true answer is always either food, cars,
> sports or sex. I have to make up something else when
> you ask, so don't ask.
> _______________________________________________
> Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the
> movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't,
> and if you are feeling amorous afterwards ... then I will
> certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.
> _______________________________________________
> Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I
> thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine,
> too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it,
> looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
> _______________________________________________
> Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2012, I
> will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry,
> the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes,
> and I'll do the rest...... like hosing down the patio and wandering
> around in the garden with a soda , or ? and wondering what to do next.
> _______________________________________________
> This has been a public service message for women to Better Understand Men.
>
> and,
> Never expect them to remember who phoned ...or what the message was!
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