Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[santafejoe]

I was at Walmart, buying a bag of Purina dog chow for my dog, in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. Why else would I be buying dog chow, RIGHT??? So on impulse, I told her that I didn't have a dog, but I was starting the Purina Diet again & that I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in intensive......... care, with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and all you do is load your pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's butt and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Better watch what you ask me and be prepared for my answer. I have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say!!

 

[santafejoe]

The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University .













Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.













The average person over 45 years of age cannot do it!













1. This is this cat.






2. This is is cat.






3. This is how cat.






4. This is to cat.






5. This is keep cat.






6. This is an cat.






7. This is old cat.






8. This is fart cat.






9. This is busy cat.






10. This is for cat.






11. This is forty cat.






12. This is seconds cat.













Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.

 

[ScubaBB]

Funny

 

[Searcaigh]

Somebody uses that photo as their avatar

 

[santafejoe]

QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!​ If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?​ Can you cry under water?​ How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?​ Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?​ Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?​ Why does a round pizza come in a square box?​ What disease did cured ham actually have?​ How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?​ Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?​ If a deaf person has to go to court,​ is it still called a hearing?​ Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?​ Why do people pay to go up tall buildings​ and then put money in binoculars to look​ at things on the ground?​ Why do doctors leave the room while you change?​ They're going to see you naked anyway.​ Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?​ Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?​ If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares,​ why is there a stupid song about him?​ Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?​ If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make​ a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a​ hole in a boat?​ Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?​ They're both dogs!​ If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?​ If corn oil is made from corn,​ and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,​ what is baby oil made from?​ If electricity comes from electrons,​ does morality come from morons?​ Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?​ Why did you just try singing the two songs above?​ Why do they call it an asteroid when it's​ outside the hemisphere, but call it a​ hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?​ Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's​ face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him​ for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?​ ​ ​

 

[Jax]

:spit: The Brits are the funniest lot! God Bless 'em!

www.youtube.com/watch?v=SDZcGz4vmJc (Faster)

 

[Mark Derail]

That was good. This too:

[video=youtube;EYwxJDPr-Pc]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EYwxJDPr-Pc[/video]

 

[Jax]

1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and..Trees and...

6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells.....

 

[DM95]

Impossible to Please

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

 

[Rhone Man]

Sign over a Gynaecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

**************************

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

**************************

On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

**************************

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

**************************

On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

**************************

On a Church's Bill board:
"7 days without God makes one weak."

**************************

At a Tyre Store
"Invite us to your next blowout."

**************************

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

**************************

In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

**************************

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

**************************

On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

**************************

On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

**************************

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

**************************

Outside a Car Exhaust Store:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

**************************

In a Vets waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

**************************

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."

**************************

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

**************************

And don't forget the sign at a
RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

**********************
Sign on the back of yet another
Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"