Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[pidgiepoo]

Morning Sex"
> She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual
> Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only
> The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
> As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said
> Softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
>
> My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming
> Or this is going to be my lucky day!"
> Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then
> Gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
>
> Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,
> Her T-shirt still around her neck.
>
> Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked,
> "What was that all about?"
> She explained, "The egg timer is broken

 

[santafejoe]

Amazing Home Remedies

THESE REALLY WORK!!
I checked this out on Snopes and it's for real!
AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. MEN: AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH,
TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES.
THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS
IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE .
IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD,
USE THE WD-40… IF IT SHOULDN'T
MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES -
NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING
BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR
FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE
STAIRS.​

 

[ScubaSteve]

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH,TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES.
THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.​

​

 

[Jax]

New list!

The 25 Funniest AutoCorrects Of 2011

 

[dmoore19]

[FONT=&quot]Nancy Pelosi called Harry Reid into her office one day and said, "Harry, I
> have a plan to win back Middle America in 2012!"
>
> "Great Nancy , but how?" asked Harry.
>
> "We'll get some cheesy clothes and shoes, like most middle Americans wear,
> then stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador Retriever.
>
> Then, we'll go to a nice old country bar in Montana and show them how much
> admiration and respect we have for the hard working people living there."
>
> So they did, and found just the place they were looking for in Bozeman,
> Montana.
>
> With the dog in tow, they walked inside and stepped up to the bar.
>
> The Bartender took a step back and said, "Hey! Aren't you Harry Reid and
> Nancy Pelosi?" "Yes we are!" said Nancy , "And what a lovely town you have
> here. We were passing through and Harry suggested we stop and take in some
> local color."
>
> They ordered a round of bourbon for the whole bar, and started chatting up a
> storm with anyone who would listen.
>
> A few minutes later, a grizzled old rancher came in, walked up to the
> Labrador , lifted up its tail, looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and
> walked out.
>
> A few moments later, in came another old rancher. He walked up to the dog,
> lifted up its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and left the bar.
>
> For the next hour, another dozen local people came in, lifted the dog's
> tail, and also left shaking their heads.
>
> Finally, Nancy asked, "Why did all those people come in and look under the
> dog's tail? Is it some sort of custom?"
>
> "Lord no," said the bartender. "Someone's out there running around town,
> claiming there's a Labrador Retriever in here with two a$$holes!"

[/FONT]

 

[dmoore19]

[FONT=&quot]In the coming New Year (2012) both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union address will occur on the same day.

This is an ironic juxtaposition of events.

One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to an insignificant creature of little intelligence for prognostication.

The other involves a groundhog...[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]

 

[Jax]

This is the ORIGINAL list I posted - apparently the site changed the content.

Damn You Auto Correct! » The 25 Funniest Autocorrects Of DYAC’s First Year

You'll have tears running down your face!!!!

 

[pidgiepoo]

The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning.
>
>
> I said to her, "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my tools"
>
>
> "Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.
>
>
> "I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don't want some other wanker using my stuff."
>
> She looked at me and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another wanker?"

 

[Jax]

 

[Jax]

Maybe so, but . . .