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[pidgiepoo]

Jewish divorce

A Jewish woman says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Morry.

All he wants is sex, sex and more sex, my vagina is now the size of a half dollar when it used to be about the size of a nickel."

Her mother says:

"You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, and you get $2,000 a week
allowance, you take 6 vacations a year, and you want to throw all that away over 45 cents?"

 

[inventor]

Did you hear (insert name of rival) University had to get rid of their sex ed and drivers education courses?






The mule died.

 

[pidgiepoo]

> Words for Women to Live By
1. Aspire to be Barbie - the bitch has everything.
2. If the shoe fits - buy them in every color.
3. Take life with a pinch of salt... A wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila.
4. In need of a support group? - Cocktail hour with the girls!
5. Go on the 30 day diet. (I'm on it and so far I've lost 15 days).
6. When life gets you down - just put on your big girl panties and deal with
it.
7. Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just your
personality.
8. I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.
9. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
10. Don't get your knickers in a knot; it solves nothing and makes you walk
funny.
11. When life gives you lemons - buy some Coronas.
12. Forget about the perfect man - he's living in San Fran with his
boyfriend.
13. Keep your chin up, only the first 40 years of parenthood are the hardest
14. If it has tires or testicles it's gonna give you trouble.
15. By the time a women realizes her mother was right, she has a daughter
who thinks she's wrong.
16. I've learned pleasing everyone is impossible but pissing everyone off is
a piece of cake...

 

[Jax]

> Words for Women to Live By
1. Aspire to be Barbie - the bitch has everything.
2. If the shoe fits - buy them in every color.
3. Take life with a pinch of salt... A wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila.
4. In need of a support group? - Cocktail hour with the girls!
5. Go on the 30 day diet. (I'm on it and so far I've lost 15 days).
6. When life gets you down - just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.
7. Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just your personality.
8. I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.
9. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
10. Don't get your knickers in a knot; it solves nothing and makes you walk funny.
11. When life gives you lemons - buy some Coronas.
12. Forget about the perfect man - he's living in San Fran with his boyfriend.
13. Keep your chin up, only the first 40 years of parenthood are the hardest
14. If it has tires or testicles it's gonna give you trouble.
15. By the time a women realizes her mother was right, she has a daughter who thinks she's wrong.
16. I've learned pleasing everyone is impossible but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake...

Perfect!!!

 

[mlkco]

No explanation necessary

 

[pidgiepoo]

Zen Teachings


1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for
I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact,
just piss off and leave me alone.
2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.
3. No one is listening until you pass wind.
4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a
couple of mortgage payments.
7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their
shoes.
8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and
he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably
well worth it.
11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.
13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from
bad judgment.
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one
works.
17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our arse - then
things just keep getting worse.
20. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the
same night.

 

[pidgiepoo]

The USGS has determined that the epicenter of the Va earthquake was in a graveyard just outside of DC. The cause appears to be all of our Founding Fathers rolling over in their graves."

 

[inventor]

This just in, Standard and Poor's has downgraded the quake to a 3.8.

 

[Jax]

Finally, someone rolled it all together for the cause of the VA earthquake!

UPDATE: The east coast earthquake apparently was caused by an unknown fault line running under D.C. and through Virginia. It is now being called Obama's Fault, though Obama will say it's really Bush's Fault. Other theories are that it was the founding fathers rolling over in their graves, or that what we all believed to be an earthquake was actually the effects of a 14.6 trillion dollar check bouncing in Washington.

 

[DM95]

Eileen and her husband Bob went for counseling after 25 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a half hour, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Bob watched with his mouth open!

Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.

The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week.. Can you do this?'

Bob thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.