Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[NE_Diver]

last one for the night

I was dining out at a rather chi-chi restaurant last night - the candlelight was just right, music in the background and the wine was delicious.

We'd just finished the entre and our waiter was taking the orders for desert when I noticed he had a spoon tucked into his jacket pocket. Looking around I realised all the waiters were similarly equiped. Being the curious type I asked the waiter what the reason was...

"Well sir, we had some management consultants do a 'time and motion' study and they found that we were wasting an average of 2.5 person-hours per day going to get a fresh spoon every time a patron dropped theirs. Hence we all carry a spoon in preparation now".

Indeed, shortly afterwards I noticed someone drop their spoon and within a few moments a waiter had replaced the spoon with his spare. I was impressed and made a note to revise my opinion of management consultants.

As we were finishing up, I also chanced to notice that all the waiters had a little string pokeing out of their waistbands. I called our waiter over to enquire...

"The same consultants sir. They calculated that we loose just over 5 person-hours a day washing our hands after a 'comfort stop'. By attaching a string to our <ahem> <ahem> we're able to pull it out using the string and avoid sullying our hands, thereby saving the time we'd normally spend washing them".

Again, I was impressed, but then realised a hitch...

"So" I asked "I can see how the string works for removal, but how do you get things back in afterwards?"

"Well sir, I can't speak for the others, but I use the spoon"

 

[pidgiepoo]

A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine.

All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some
pitiful Yankee from the north.
The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada ."
The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada ?"
The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender says, "A taxidermist?
What in tarnation is a taxidermist?
Do you drive a taxi?"
"No", says the Canadian "A taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi.
I mount animals."
The bartender grins and hollers, "It’s okay boys.
He's one of us."

 

[NE_Diver]

Many centuries ago, a Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal.

He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community, and if the Jews won, they could stay in Italy without fear of persecution. But if the Pope won, they would all have to leave the country.



The Jewish people met and picked an aged but wise Rabbi Moshe, to represent them in the debate. However, as Rabbi Moshe spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would have to be a "silent" debate.



On the chosen day the Pope & Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute Then Pope raised his right hand and showed three fingers.

Rabbi Moishe replied back by raising one finger.



Next the Pope waved his index finger around his head.

Rabbi Moishe pointed his finger to the ground where he sat.



The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

So, Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.



With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi Moishe was too clever and that the Jews could stay in Italy.



Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking how that had happened.

The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity.

He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still

only one God common to both our beliefs.

Then, I waved my finger to show him that God was all around us.

He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right

here with us.

I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins.

He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.&#8221;

&#8220;He had me beaten and I could not continue."





Meanwhile, members of the Jewish community were gathered around Rabbi Moishe.

"What happened Rabbi?" they asked.

"Well," said Moishe, "First&#8230;. he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy&#8221;

So I said to him, "Up yours!''

Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews.

So I said to him, &#8220;Mr. Pope, we're staying right here."



"And then what happened," asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said Rabbi Moishe giving a shrug,

He took out his lunch, so I took out mine.''



READING THE OTHER GUY correctly to resolve a major problem by skillful negotiations &#8211; even when you know (or don&#8217;t know?) what you are doing &#8211; is worth developing.

 

[NE_Diver]

An elderly man is walking in the country when he sees a frog on the road. The frog tells the man, "If you pick me up and kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful young woman and grant your every sexual desire." The old man picks up the frog, puts it in his pocket and continues walking. "Hey," says the frog, "you didn't kiss me!" Replies the old man: "Well, I thought it over and at my age, I'd rather have a talking frog."

 

[NE_Diver]

Heaven has become very crowded, so St. Peter is admitting only people with particularly sad stories. Three men arrive at the same time.
The first man says that for some time he suspected his wife had been having an affair: "And when I came home last night to my 20th floor apartment, I saw a guy hanging off my balcony. I got so mad I took a hammer and hit his fingers until he fell, but he landed on the balcony below. So I pushed our refrigerator through the window. It knocked him off, but I lost my balance and fell too." He is admitted into Heaven.
The next man says that he had been exercising on his 21st floor balcony when he slipped and fell: "Luckily, I grabbed the balcony below, but some idiot started hitting my fingers with a hammer until I fell again. I managed to land on the next balcony down, but then he dumped a refrigerator on me." He is also admitted into Heaven.
The third man walks up to St. Peter and says: "Picture this. I'm naked in a refrigerator....."

 

[NE_Diver]

On 30. of September 2004 scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive.

No further testing is planned.

 

[pidgiepoo]

A Buckeye Story

The year is 2016 and the United States has just elected its first woman, an Ohio State University graduate, as President of the United States . Her name is Susan Buckeye.

A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says, “So, Dad, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?”

“Susie, I don't think so. It's a 10 hour drive. Your mother isn't as young as she used to be and my arthritis is acting up again.” Mr. Buckeye replies.

“'Don't worry about it Dad, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door.”

“I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?”

“Oh Dad”, replies Susan, “I'll make sure she has a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in New York .”

“Honey,” Dad complains, “you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat.”

The President-to-be responds, “Don't worry, Dad. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York . I'll ensure your meals are salt free. I really want you to come.”

So Dad reluctantly agrees; and on January 20, 2017, Susan Morely Buckeye is being sworn in as President of the United States, with her Mom and Dad in the front row for her big moment.

Dad notices that there is a U.S. Senator sitting next to him and leans to and whispers with undeniable pride, “You see that woman there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States?”

The Senator whispers back, “Yes I do.”

Dad says proudly, “Her brother played football at Ohio State.”


GO BUCKS !!!!!!!

 

[inventor]

How much coke has Charlie Sheen done?

Enough to kill Two and a Half Men.




How do we know Bob Barker is kinky?

He paid to watch some guys ram Japanese sailors.

 

[mlkco]

7 Degrees of Blonde

FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?'

The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'

SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the
sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror
and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'

The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!'

So, the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'

THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and
buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'

FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, ... I know 'em all.'

A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'
The blonde replies,'Oh, that's easy .. it's W.'

FIFTH DEGREE
Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
A: 'Is it mine?'

SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US
Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what
Roe vs. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware .'

SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and
reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio,
and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'

 

[inventor]

Have you heard of the bin Laden cocktail?


It's two shots with a splash.