Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

Please register or login

Welcome to ScubaBoard, the world's largest scuba diving community. Registration is not required to read the forums, but we encourage you to join. Joining has its benefits and enables you to participate in the discussions.

Benefits of registering include

  • Ability to post and comment on topics and discussions.
  • A Free photo gallery to share your dive photos with the world.
  • You can make this box go away

Joining is quick and easy. Log in or Register now!

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and
pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.

"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,

I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"

"That's right, Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"


The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big a$$ and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."

WELL HELLO !!!!!!
 
An Arizona Department of Safety Officer pulled over a pick-up truck owner
> for a faulty taillight. When the officer approached the driver, the man
> behind the wheel handed the officer his driver’s license, insurance card
> and
> a concealed weapon carry permit.
>
> The officer took all the documents, looked them over and said. "Mr..
> Smith, I see you have a CCP. Do you have any weapons with you?"
>
> The driver replied, " Yes sir, I have a 357 handgun in a hip holster, a
> .45 in the glove box and a .22 derringer in my boot."
>
> The officer looked at the driver and asked, "Anything else?"
>
> "Yes sir, I have a Mossberg 500 12 gauge and an AR-15 behind the seat."
>
> The officer asked if the man was driving to or from a shooting range
> and the man said he wasn't, so the officer bent over and looked into the
> driver's face and said "Mr. Smith, you're carrying quite a few guns.
> May I ask what you are afraid of?
>
> Mr. Smith locked eyes with the officer and calmly answered,
> "Not a "f-ing" thing!"
 
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her
> little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman
> police officer, who was also a blonde.
> The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's
> license.
> She dug through her purse and was getting
> progressively more agitated.
> 'What does it look like?' she finally asked.
>
> The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has
> your picture on it.'
> The driver finally found a square mirror in her
> purse, looked at it and handed it to the
> policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.
>
> The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed
> it back saying, "OK, you can go. I didn't realize
> you were a cop."
 
  • Like
Reactions: Jax
Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship .

"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."

And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."

And they did.
"Now we eat everybody."

And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better after you scare the **** out of them..


Now you know...
 
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon


THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate


THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. No more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.
 
An old guy (not in the best of shape) was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing...
He asked the trainer that was near by
"What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"
The trainer looked him up and down and said
"I would try the ATM in the lobby
 
Shampoo Alert!



As I was conditioning my hair in the shower this morning, I took time to
read my shampoo bottle. I am in shock! The shampoo I use in the shower
that runs down my entire body says "for extra volume and body"!

Seriously, why have I not noticed this before? Now I understand why I am so
"full-figured"! Tomorrow I am going to start using "Dawn" dish soap. It
says right on the label "dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to
remove."

It pays to read the warning labels, my friends!
 
A hydrogen ion bursts into a bar, stumbles over to the bartender and orders a drink.
While serving the drink, the bartender asks "What's the matter, buddy? You look awful!"
The hydrogen ion replys "I was walking down the street and all of a sudden, I lost an electron!"
The bartender says, "Are you sure? That sounds rather serious!"
To which the hydrogen ion replys "Dude, I'm positive!"
 
Anthony Weiner, Elliot Spitzer, Newt Gingrich, John Edwards, and Bill Clinton walk into a bar.

Larry Craig would have been with them, but he had to go to the bathroom.
 
Ole from Minnesota

Ole, a furniture dealer from up by Dulute, decided to expand the line of
furniture in his store so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could
find. After arriving in Paris, he visited with several manufacturers and
selected a line that he thought would sell well back in Minnesota.

To celebrate the new acquisition, he visited a small bistro to have a
glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed the place was
quite crowded and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant
seat in the house. Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl
came to his table and asked him something in French (which Ole couldn't
understand).

So Ole motioned to the vacant chair as an invitation for her to sit
down. He tried to speak to her in English but she did not speak
English...or Scandahoovian. After a couple of minutes trying to
communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine
glass and showed it to her.

She smiled and nodded so he ordered a glass of wine for her. After
sitting together for a while he took another napkin and drew a picture
of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and
found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.
They ordered dinner, after which Ole took another napkin and drew a
picture of a couple dancing. She nodded eagerly and they got up to
dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table the young lady took a napkin, drew a picture of a
four-poster bed and showed it to Ole.

To this day, he has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture
business.
 
https://www.shearwater.com/products/swift/

Back
Top Bottom