Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[santafejoe]

T.B. Bechtel, a City councilor from Newcastle, Australia, was asked on a local live radio talk show, just what he thought about the allegations of torture of suspected terrorists. He was ejected from the studio immediately after his reply, but to thunderous applause from the audience.

HIS STATEMENT:

'If hooking up one rag head terrorist prisoner's testicles to a car battery to get the truth out of the lying little camel shagger will save just one Australian, British, American or Canadian life, then I have only three things to say,' :

'Red is positive, Black is negative, and make sure his nuts are wet.'

 

[Deefstes]

 

[Ed L.]

I had this forwarded to me a couple of weeks ago and haven't seen it here so I thought I'd share.

Diving is like religion because:

1. There are mainstream religions: PADI, SSI, NAUI, YMCA, etc.
2. There are fundamentalists: GUE/DIR.
3. There is the CREED: The NDL tables, slightly different for each religion, but essentially the same on how you use it.
4. There is a GOD: Air.
5. There is the GREATEST COMMANDMENT: Thou shalt no run out of air.
6. There are religious fanatics: The scuba board addicts.
7. There are priests: Dive instructors.
8. There are deacons: Dive masters.
9. There are wise men: The old geezers.
10. There cults: Cave, Wreck, & Pink.
11. There are public stonings: When a troll is caught.
12. Rites of initiation: 25 meter one breath dive, OOA drills, mask clearing, etc.
13. Saints: Jacque Cousteau.
14. Martyrs: I will not name names for the sake of the family.
15. Pilgrimages: Famous wrecks.
16. Donations: At least 15% of your disposable income yearly.
17. Holy wars: Do a search on PADI bashing, start a thread on using spare air.
18. The Church: Any open body of water.
19. The followers: Common everyday rec. divers.
20. Holier than thou people: Tech divers.
21. Religion controlled states: Scubaboard - using moderators as enforcers.
22. Conservatives: Dive with large ponies and doubles.
23. Liberals: Dive with spare airs and pink gears.
24. Religious symbols: Wear dive computer instead of a watch. Dive symbol on tie clip. PADI badges.
25. Chapels: Dive boats and popular dive sites.
26. Religious book: Encyclopedia of diving: Navy dive manual.
27. Sacraments: Open water, Advanced Open water, Nitrox, etc.
28. Daily mass/church attendant: The obsessive diver trying to exceed his 5000th dive.
29. The typical diver: Attend "church" service only twice a year while on their cruise.
30. Baptism: First OW dive.
31. Hermits: Solo divers.
32. Sinners: Return to the boat with empty tanks, exceeding the NDL, diving without an SPG, rototilling the corals with your kicks.
33. God's punishment for sins: Decompression sickness, ear squeeze, death.
34. Wife's punishment for religion: Divorce paper filed the day after you bought the re-breather.

I love it, have it posted at work

Add to 32 - Baptism: There are those who have peed and in a wetsuit and those have lied about it

 

[pidgiepoo]

Skinny little white Irishman goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him, he looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'


The little white Irishman faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big says, 'What's wrong with you?'


In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'

The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me...... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.'

The little white Irishman says: Turner Brown?!....Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around!

 

[Cerebral_Origami]

Why are there no Irish musicians?

-They can't make it past the first two bars.

 

[merims michael]

My friend has three beautiful girls, as babies they were the cutest thing you could ever imagine,but sadly he wished for a boy. Well his wife was in the delivery room about to make his dream come true, when he looked at the baby, he could not believe how ugly the baby was, he looked at his wife and said, you cheated on me, the wife replied not this time.

 

[ScubaTigress]

Why are there no Irish musicians?

-They can't make it past the first two bars.

Hey now, I'm Irish and I used to be a musician.....

but i didn't make it past the 3rd bar

 

[pidgiepoo]

The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning.

I said to her, “If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff.”

“Now why would you want me to do something like that?” she asked.

“I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don’t want some ******* using my stuff.”

She looked at me and said: “What makes you think I’d marry another *******?”

 

[pidgiepoo]

> Ed and Nancy met while on a singles’ cruise and Ed fell head over heels for
> her.
>
> When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed
> was ecstatic. He immediately started asking Her out when they got home.
>
> Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants,
> concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became
>
> Convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date
> seemed better than the last.
>
> On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed
> took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails
>
> And waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much
> in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage.
>
> So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing
> question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut.
>
> I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep,
> and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us,
>
> You'd better say so now!"
>
> Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a
> problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too;
>
> But, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that
> for the last five years I've been a hooker."
>
> "Oh wow! I see," Ed replied. He looked down at the table, was quiet for a
> moment. Deep in serious thought then he added,
>
> "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight
> when you hit the ball."

 

[pidgiepoo]

CATHOLIC SHAMPOO
>
> While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer
> cooler.
>
> One nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful
> on a hot summer evening?"
>
> The second nun answered "Indeed it would Sister, but I wouldn't feel
> comfortable
>
> buying beer as I am certain that it would cause a scene at the check-out
> counter."
>
> "I can handle that without a problem" she replied as she picked up a
> six-pack and headed
>
> for the check-out.
>
> The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with
> a six-pack of beer.
>
> "We use beer for washing our hair" the nun said, "A shampoo, of sorts, if
> you will."
>
> Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out
>
> a package of pretzel sticks and placed them in the bag with the beer.
>
> He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled and said,
>
> "The curlers are on the house."