Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[burna]

 

[burna]

 

[karastal]

I had this forwarded to me a couple of weeks ago and haven't seen it here so I thought I'd share.

Diving is like religion because:

1. There are mainstream religions: PADI, SSI, NAUI, YMCA, etc.
2. There are fundamentalists: GUE/DIR.
3. There is the CREED: The NDL tables, slightly different for each religion, but essentially the same on how you use it.
4. There is a GOD: Air.
5. There is the GREATEST COMMANDMENT: Thou shalt no run out of air.
6. There are religious fanatics: The scuba board addicts.
7. There are priests: Dive instructors.
8. There are deacons: Dive masters.
9. There are wise men: The old geezers.
10. There cults: Cave, Wreck, & Pink.
11. There are public stonings: When a troll is caught.
12. Rites of initiation: 25 meter one breath dive, OOA drills, mask clearing, etc.
13. Saints: Jacque Cousteau.
14. Martyrs: I will not name names for the sake of the family.
15. Pilgrimages: Famous wrecks.
16. Donations: At least 15% of your disposable income yearly.
17. Holy wars: Do a search on PADI bashing, start a thread on using spare air.
18. The Church: Any open body of water.
19. The followers: Common everyday rec. divers.
20. Holier than thou people: Tech divers.
21. Religion controlled states: Scubaboard - using moderators as enforcers.
22. Conservatives: Dive with large ponies and doubles.
23. Liberals: Dive with spare airs and pink gears.
24. Religious symbols: Wear dive computer instead of a watch. Dive symbol on tie clip. PADI badges.
25. Chapels: Dive boats and popular dive sites.
26. Religious book: Encyclopedia of diving: Navy dive manual.
27. Sacraments: Open water, Advanced Open water, Nitrox, etc.
28. Daily mass/church attendant: The obsessive diver trying to exceed his 5000th dive.
29. The typical diver: Attend "church" service only twice a year while on their cruise.
30. Baptism: First OW dive.
31. Hermits: Solo divers.
32. Sinners: Return to the boat with empty tanks, exceeding the NDL, diving without an SPG, rototilling the corals with your kicks.
33. God's punishment for sins: Decompression sickness, ear squeeze, death.
34. Wife's punishment for religion: Divorce paper filed the day after you bought the re-breather.

I love it, have it posted at work

 

[santafejoe]

Upset woman on her cell phone:
I have PMS and a GPS, which means that I'm a bitch who WILL FIND YOU.

 

[Rhone Man]

I was riding my Harley to work on the California Bay Area freeways when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to swerve on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and "flipped the bird" at the woman driver.

"Man, that guy is REALLY, REALLY, stupid," I thought to myself. I always smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why.

I rode 48 miles each way every day to work while in California. That's 96 miles each day. Of that, 16 miles each way, was bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper was on an 8 lane highway. There were 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4,000 cars.

That brings the number to something on the order of 36,000 motor vehicles that I passed every single day.

Statistically, females drove half of these vehicles. That means I passed approximately 18,000 women drivers, on average, each and every day I commuted to work on my Harley while in California AND

• On any given day in any given group of females, 1 in 28 has P.M.S. That leaves us with 642.
• According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. Now we are down to 449.
• According to the National Institutes of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. Now we are left with 98.
• And again according to Cosmo, 34% describe men as their biggest problem. OK now we are at 33.
• According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry firearms, and this number is increasing.

So statistically, that means that, for EVERY SINGLE DAY I commute in California, I will ride past AT LEAST ONE female driver that:

1. had a lousy love life
2. thought men were her biggest problem
3. had seriously considered suicide or homicide
4. had P.M.S.
5. was armed

Flip one off? I think not!!!! I didn't study mathematics for naught...

 

[Deefstes]

Good one. Please tell me you didn't really study maths though because if you did then it seems you did indeed study it for naught.

 

[Rhone Man]

Oirish Jokes

--------oOo- -----------


A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.

Paddy ordered a whisky.

The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen who res than let liquor touch my lips!"

Paddy handed his drink back and said

"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"


--------oOo- ---------


Paddy calls Ryanair to book a flight.

The operator asks "How many people are flying with you?"

Paddy replies "I don't know! It’s your feckin' plane!"


--------oOo- ---------

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off,
I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"
He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts

"I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!"

Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home"

So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.

"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.


--------oOo- ---------


Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.

After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on".


--------oOo- --------


Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and says
"You know what I want, don't you?"


"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole feckin' bed by the looks of it!"


--------oOo- ---------


Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair.

He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!


--------oOo- ---------


Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.

Mick say "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"

Paddy says "What's his name?"

Mick replies "Miles, from London!"

 

[pelagic_by_nature]

Pat and Mike are walking home down the railroad tracks after the pub closed. Pat says, "You know, Mike, this is the longest staircase I've ever had to climb". Mike says, "It wouldn't be so bad if the handrails weren't so low".

 

[Deefstes]

(For enhanced effect, read in an English, Scottish and Irish accent )

George, Andy and Paddy are having a drink when three flies drop into each of their drinks.

George pushes his Gin and Tonic away in disgust, muttering "How could I possibly drink that now!"

Andy scoops out the fly, saying "Och, a wee fly has never hurt anyone" and knocks back the rest of his single malt scotch.

Pady picks out the fly from his Guinness and started shouting "Spit it out! Spit it out ya thievin' bastard!"

 

[santafejoe]

TALIBAN WARNS U.S. ON ARIZONA LAW..............
This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, the Taliban Minister Of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if Arizona's Immigration Law is not repealed, Taliban authorities intend to cut off America's supply of Convenience Store Managers and possibly Motel 6 &
Super 8 Managers.

And, if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers
Will be next, followed by DELL and AOL Customer Service Reps.

Finally, if all else fails, they have threatened to send us no more Candidates for President of the United States !

Folks, it's gonna get ugly!