Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[m3830431]

WE MISS RODNEY DANGERFIELD
I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, Yet she won't drink from my glass.
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over; there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I went to a massage parlor. It was self service
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are
you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself
now.."
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.
I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked"Why?"
He said, "Because you came home early."
My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me fromChicago last night.
My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

 

[m3830431]

Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey. "

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Bob, you picked up a real ***** this time."

 

[sandshaker]

>A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the
>stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go
>quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
>The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said
>to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"
>Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
>"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a
>question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff.
>Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty,
>and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
>The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea,"
>To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss
>nuclear power when you don't know $hit?"

 

[m3830431]

good one

 

[santafejoe]

Kennedy Airport Flight



> A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it
> reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an
> announcement over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, this
> is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293,
> nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is
> good, so we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now
> sit back and relax... OH, MY NO!"
>
> Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came
> back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am
> so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to
> you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot
> coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
>
> A passenger in coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see
> the back of mine!"

 

[m3830431]

 

[sandshaker]

YOU GUYS HAVE TO CHECK THIS OUT!!!!!!!!!!!
http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=2017872974

 

[m3830431]

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very
depressed because he had loved to play Golf and do lots of things that took
two arms.

One day in his despair,he decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and
went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking
down and saw this man skipping along, whistling and kicking up his heels. He
looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still
have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping
down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad
he was to see him because he had lost one of his ar ms and felt ugly and
useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life
and he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels
again.

He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"

He said, "I'm NOT happy ... my balls itch."

 

[kamfan]

A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly so she puts him in the closet and shuts the door. Her husband also comes home, so she puts her lover in the closet with the little boy.

The little boy says, "Dark in here"
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball"
Man: "That's nice"
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside"
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$25."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here"
Man: "Yes, it is"
Boy: "I have a baseball mitt."
Remembering the last time, he asks, "how much?"
Boy: "$75"
Man: "Fine"

A few days later, the boy's father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth." The boy says, "I can't, I sold them." "How much did you sell them for", asked his father? Boy: "$100" Father: "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that, that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess," They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here,"

The Priest says, "Don't start that *poop* again!"

 

[m3830431]

Sandshaker you dyed your hair