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Jack and Jill went up the hill
Each with a buck and quarter
Jill came back with two fifty
YOU FIGURE IT OUT!
Each with a buck and quarter
Jill came back with two fifty
YOU FIGURE IT OUT!
While driving down Hollywood blvd years and years ago we stopped at a light. My buddy from Texas having never been to L.A. before wanted to go sight seeing.
A young lady approached the passenger side and soon engaged my friend in the following coversation.
Lady "Hey you lookin for a date honey?"
Friend "How much?"
Lady "Hundred dollars"
Friend "Sorry I dont have that much!"
Lady "Alright $60 dollars."
Friend "I dont have that much either."
Lady "Well hon how much do you have?"
Friend "$35"
Lady "Well alright if thats what you have."
Friend "F*&^ You. I dont go out with cheap *****s!"
A young lady approached the passenger side and soon engaged my friend in the following coversation.
Lady "Hey you lookin for a date honey?"
Friend "How much?"
Lady "Hundred dollars"
Friend "Sorry I dont have that much!"
Lady "Alright $60 dollars."
Friend "I dont have that much either."
Lady "Well hon how much do you have?"
Friend "$35"
Lady "Well alright if thats what you have."
Friend "F*&^ You. I dont go out with cheap *****s!"
sandmanz32
Contributor
^^^^
awesome!
awesome!
OP
sandshaker
Contributor
WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE....I'M BROKE!
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be
confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of
minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in
high-powered vacuum cleaners.'
"Go away!" said th e old lady. 'I'm broke and haven't got any money!'
and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed
it wide open.
Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my
demonstration.'
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway
carpet.
'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse
manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.'
The old lady stepped back and said, 'Well let me get you a fork,
'cause they cut off my electricity this morning
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be
confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of
minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in
high-powered vacuum cleaners.'
"Go away!" said th e old lady. 'I'm broke and haven't got any money!'
and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed
it wide open.
Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my
demonstration.'
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway
carpet.
'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse
manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.'
The old lady stepped back and said, 'Well let me get you a fork,
'cause they cut off my electricity this morning
sandmanz32
Contributor
m3830431
Contributor
A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk. he staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink--he could not be served additional liquor at this bar but could get a cab called for him.
The drunk is briefly surprised then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool, and staggers out the front door.
A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over, and still politely--but more firmly refuses service to the man due to his inebriation. Again, the bartender offers to call a cab for him.
The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink.
The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.
The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish, cries "Man! How many bars do you work at?"
The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink--he could not be served additional liquor at this bar but could get a cab called for him.
The drunk is briefly surprised then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool, and staggers out the front door.
A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over, and still politely--but more firmly refuses service to the man due to his inebriation. Again, the bartender offers to call a cab for him.
The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink.
The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.
The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish, cries "Man! How many bars do you work at?"
OP
sandshaker
Contributor
santafejoe
Contributor
Questions and Answers from an AARP Forum:
Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore-------under fiction.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: 'And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt '
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly-----wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses
~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: 'Gosh, I remember these.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SMILE, You've still got your sense of humor, right?
Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore-------under fiction.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: 'And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt '
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly-----wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses
~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: 'Gosh, I remember these.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SMILE, You've still got your sense of humor, right?
m3830431
Contributor
A guy walks into a bar and rudely demands a shot of 12-yr old scotch.
The bartender thinks "this guy doesn't know the difference," so he pours a shot of 2-year old scotch.
The patron takes one sip and spits it out. He promptly hollers at the bartender I said 12-year old scotch, you bozo!"
Still unimpressed the bartender pours some 6-year old scotch.
The patron takes a sip...same reaction.
But the bartender still doesn't believe the patron knows the difference. So he pours a shot of 10-year old scotch. Again, same reaction from the patron.
Finally, the bartender is convinced. He pours the patron a glass of 12-year-old scotch. The patron takes a sip and is most satisfied.
All the while this has been going on, a drunk at the end of the bar has been watching.
He slides a shot glass down the bar to the patron and drunkedly says:
"Shay mishter, tashte this!" The patron obliges...he promptly spits it out.
"That tastes like pee!," he shoots back at the drunk.
The drunk replies: "It ish. Now how old am I?"
The bartender thinks "this guy doesn't know the difference," so he pours a shot of 2-year old scotch.
The patron takes one sip and spits it out. He promptly hollers at the bartender I said 12-year old scotch, you bozo!"
Still unimpressed the bartender pours some 6-year old scotch.
The patron takes a sip...same reaction.
But the bartender still doesn't believe the patron knows the difference. So he pours a shot of 10-year old scotch. Again, same reaction from the patron.
Finally, the bartender is convinced. He pours the patron a glass of 12-year-old scotch. The patron takes a sip and is most satisfied.
All the while this has been going on, a drunk at the end of the bar has been watching.
He slides a shot glass down the bar to the patron and drunkedly says:
"Shay mishter, tashte this!" The patron obliges...he promptly spits it out.
"That tastes like pee!," he shoots back at the drunk.
The drunk replies: "It ish. Now how old am I?"
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