mike_s
Contributor
he tried it with his right hand, then left.
wife tried with right hand, then left, then mouth.
Then the neighbor tried it every which way....
They couldn't get the jar lid off..... hmmm.... wonder where your mind was going
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he tried it with his right hand, then left.
wife tried with right hand, then left, then mouth.
Then the neighbor tried it every which way....
They couldn't get the jar lid off..... hmmm.... wonder where your mind was going
ohmdiver
Contributor
I am just glad the nieghbor was a lady....
DivingPrincessE
Contributor
m3830431
Contributor
A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner. The attorney asked, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?"
"No," the coroner replied.
The attorney then asked, "Did you listen for a heart beat?"
The coroner said, "No."
"Did you check for breathing?", asked the attorney.
Again the coroner replied, "No."
The attorney asked, "So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"
The coroner, now tired of the brow beating said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."
"No," the coroner replied.
The attorney then asked, "Did you listen for a heart beat?"
The coroner said, "No."
"Did you check for breathing?", asked the attorney.
Again the coroner replied, "No."
The attorney asked, "So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"
The coroner, now tired of the brow beating said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."
OP
sandshaker
Contributor
yup ... The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open." ^ ^ ^
OP
sandshaker
Contributor
this one killed me soo fuhn-knee ....
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 a.m. by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it's 3:00 in the morning." He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked the wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" says his wife. "Don't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and two strangers helped us? I think you should help him and you should be ashamed of yourself.
"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.
He calls out into the dark,
"Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," the stranger speaks back.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing." replied the drunk.
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 a.m. by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it's 3:00 in the morning." He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked the wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" says his wife. "Don't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and two strangers helped us? I think you should help him and you should be ashamed of yourself.
"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.
He calls out into the dark,
"Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," the stranger speaks back.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing." replied the drunk.
m3830431
Contributor
One day while walking down the street a highly successful partner in a law firm was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an law firm partner make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven", replied the woman.
"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the law partner in an elevator and which slowly descended to the depths of Hell.
When the doors opened, much to her surprise, the woman found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her old friends -- including lawyers that she had worked with who had passed away -- and they were all dressed in tuxedoes and evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and greeted her warmly, and they talked about old times.
After an excellent round of golf, and at night they went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, her day was over and it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator back up to Heaven.
The elevator slowly rose, and eventually opened back up at the Pearly Gates, and she found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. It was very soothing and peaceful, and she had a great time. Before she knew it, her 24 hours were up.
St. Peter came and got her and said, "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity."
The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."
St. Peter escorted the woman back to the elevator and again she descended to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in filth. Her friends were burning in towers of flame, as demons prodded them with pitchforks. The Devil came up to her and welcomed her back.
"I don't understand," stammered the woman. "Yesterday I was here, and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of filth, and all my old friends are miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you; today you're an associate."
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an law firm partner make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven", replied the woman.
"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the law partner in an elevator and which slowly descended to the depths of Hell.
When the doors opened, much to her surprise, the woman found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her old friends -- including lawyers that she had worked with who had passed away -- and they were all dressed in tuxedoes and evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and greeted her warmly, and they talked about old times.
After an excellent round of golf, and at night they went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, her day was over and it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator back up to Heaven.
The elevator slowly rose, and eventually opened back up at the Pearly Gates, and she found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. It was very soothing and peaceful, and she had a great time. Before she knew it, her 24 hours were up.
St. Peter came and got her and said, "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity."
The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."
St. Peter escorted the woman back to the elevator and again she descended to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in filth. Her friends were burning in towers of flame, as demons prodded them with pitchforks. The Devil came up to her and welcomed her back.
"I don't understand," stammered the woman. "Yesterday I was here, and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of filth, and all my old friends are miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you; today you're an associate."
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To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine.. and those who don't.
As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember:
Water = poop
Wine = health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of poop.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information; I'm providing it as a public service.
As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember:
Water = poop
Wine = health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of poop.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information; I'm providing it as a public service.
m3830431
Contributor
HEnce the reason for wine with your meal in Europe.
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes.
We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue; my dad kept staring at him.
The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in his classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.
"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue; my dad kept staring at him.
The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in his classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.
"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
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