Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[m3830431]

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?

His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.

And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.

And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.

So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!?

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.

And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.

Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."

And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows:
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.

And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.

Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.

And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.

For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.

Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.

He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.

His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.

A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.

So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...

"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."

 

[sandshaker]

I know tis is bad.............had to though


A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about all his employees’ well being, asked sympathetically, “What’s the matter?”

The blonde replies, “Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.”

The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, explains to the young girl. “Why don’t you go home for the day, we aren’t terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest.”

The blonde very calmly states, “No, I’d be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.”

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. “If you need anything, just let me know.”

Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!! He rushes out to her, asking, “What’s so bad now. Are you gonna be ok?”

“No!” exclaims the blonde. “I just got a call from my sister. She told me that HER mom died too!”

 

[m3830431]

One evening, in a busy lounge in the deep south, a reindeer walked in the door, bellied up to the bar and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye, the bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the reindeer, and accepted the twenty-dollar bill from the reindeer's hoof.

As he handed the reindeer some coins in change, he said, "You know, I think you're the first reindeer I've ever seen in here."

The reindeer looked hard at the hoofful of change and said, "Hmmmpf. Let me tell you something, buddy. At these prices, I'm the last reindeer you'll see in here."

 

[sandshaker]

Very cool!!!!!

Humpback Whale Rescued by Diver
The Whale
If you read the front page story of the SF Chronicle, you would have read about a female humpback whale who had become entangled in a spider web of crab traps and lines.
She was weighted down by hundreds of pounds of traps that caused her to struggle to stay afloat. She also had hundreds of yards of line rope wrapped around her body, her tail, her torso, a line tugging in her mouth.
A fisherman spotted her just east of the Farralone Islands (outside the Golden Gate) and radioed an environmental group for help.
Within a few hours, the rescue team arrived and determined that she was so bad off, the only way to save her was to dive in and untangle her...
A very dangerous proposition.
One slap of the tail could kill a rescuer.

They worked for hours with curved knives and eventually freed her.
When she was free, the divers say she swam in what seemed like joyous circles.
She then came back to each and every diver, one at a time, and nudged them, pushed gently around-she thanked them. Some said it was the most incredibly beautiful experience of their lives.
The guy who cut the rope out of her mouth says her eye was following him the whole time, and he will never be the same.

 

[m3830431]

A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.

"How much does it cost for engineer brain?"

"Three dollars an ounce."

"How much does it cost for programmer brain?"

"Four dollars an ounce."

"How much for lawyer brain?"

"$1,000 an ounce."

"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"

"Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?"

 

[m3830431]

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes
the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle
it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and
she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the
Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws
open the door and begins to rant about the new
employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole
line is backing up, putting the entire production line
behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for
himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there
are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really
beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me
Elmo's. She has a roll of plush
red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it
around two marbles and begins to
carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself
together and approaches Lena.

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I
think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

 

[mlkco]

The Pope and Hillary Rodham Clinton (HRC) are on the same stage in
front of a huge crowd.
'Her Majesty' and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before, so
to make it a little more interesting, the senator says to the Pope,
"Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make
every Democrat in the crowd go wild?"
He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture
and cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.
The Pope, not wanting to be out done by such a level of arrogance,
considers what he could do. "That was impressive. But did you know
that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in
the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display
like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and
they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."
The senator seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of
your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me!!"
So the Pope slapped her.

 

[sandshaker]

Bathtub Test


During a visit to a mental institution the visitor asked the Director
'How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?'
'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'
'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'
'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'

 

[sandshaker]

....


A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.


While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing
God, she asked," Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, brow lift, lip enhancement, boob job, liposuction, and a
tummy tuck.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While
crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by a car.



Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the car?"


God replied,


"GIRRRRL, I didn't even recognize you."

 

[rhadamantus]

:rofl2: :rofl2:

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After awhile, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.

One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"

Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."

"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him."

God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"

Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"