Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[avengerki]

The Gender of a Computer
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."
"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.

 

[AlbertaDan]

A man walks into a clock shop and starts looking around. He sees a few clocks he likes so he keeps looking. As he wanders around the store he notices a drop dead gorgeous woman behind the counter. He walks over to the counter and puts his lad on the counter. The woman looks at it and says, "You know this a clock shop sir?"


The man replies, " Yes I know, I'd like a face and 2 hands put on that please."

 

[pidgiepoo]

Amazing Human Body
>>>>
>>>>It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
>>>>
>>>>One human hair can support 6.6 pounds.
>>>>
>>>>The average man's penis is two times the length of his thumb.
>>>>
>>>>Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
>>>>
>>>>A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
>>>>
>>>>There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
>>>>
>>>>Women blink twice as often as men.
>>>>
>>>>The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
>>>>
>>>>Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
>>>>
>>>>If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
>>>>
>>>>Women will be finished reading this by now.
>>>>
>>>>Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

 

[avengerki]

HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.
The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these
religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

 

[pidgiepoo]

Avengerki ^^^^^ that is one of my most favorite jokes of all time.Was still funny this time around. Thanks for the laughs.

 

[ScubaTigress]

HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.
The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these
religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

That seriously NEVER gets old haha

 

[santafejoe]

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You may have heard that Hostess Bakery plants shut down due to a workers' strike. But you may not have heard how It was split up. The State Department hired all the Twinkies, the Secret Service hired all the HoHos, the generals are sleeping with the Cupcakes and the voters sent all the Ding Dongs to Congress.

 

[Jax]

[FONT=lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif] [/FONT]
You may have heard that Hostess Bakery plants shut down due to a workers' strike. But you may not have heard how It was split up. The State Department hired all the Twinkies, the Secret Service hired all the HoHos, the generals are sleeping with the Cupcakes and the voters sent all the Ding Dongs to Congress.

I'm reporting this! It's an insult to Ding Dongs! :scorned:

 

[Insta-Gator]

Congress needs to be replaced with 50 'good ol' boys' (one from each state.)

Send them up there with 49 cases of beer, tell them to fix the debt problem by Monday.

I guarantee that when the fight was over and all the beer was gone, there would be a workable solution.

 

[pidgiepoo]

Annie, 6 years old, gets home from school ..
She had her first family planning lesson at school.

Her mother, very interested, asks; " How did it go?"

"I died of shame!" she answered!

"Sissy from over the road says that the stork brings babies.
Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage.
Pete in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital."

Her mother answers laughingly, "But that's no reason to be ashamed!"

"No, but I can't tell them that we were so poor that daddy & you had to make me yourselves."

​