Post Accident...need advice

[Vereel]

Hello Everyone,

I am hoping someone will be able to offer me some good advice. A few months ago my buddy had a bad accident that severely jeopardized both our lives and it was strictly due to carelessness on the part of my buddy. Thankfully, both of us were ok. Since the accident, I have continued to dwell on the events leading up to, during and after the accident. I have been diving since (even at the site of the accident) and everything was fine as long as I was diving with someone different. However, when I dive with my buddy who had the accident, I feel anxious, stressed out, and don't enjoy the dive at all. I have tried to talk to my buddy about how the accident affected me, but my buddy will not listen, becomes resentful of me bringing up the subject, and extremely defensive. My buddy also doesn't want me to talk to other people about this because it would be "talking behind my buddy's back" and not fair to my buddy. I don't want to lose this person as a friend, I don't want to hurt their feelings by just not diving with them anymore, but I need some way that I can move past this. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Vereel

 

[Uncle Pug]

As you have described your *buddy's* attitude I would suggest that you no longer dive with him/her.

 

[nashville_diver]

As you have described your *buddy's* attitude I would suggest that you no longer dive with him/her.

I agree w/ Uncle Pug. Someone with an attitude like this is likely to have another accident.

 

[jbd]

I agree also with Uncle Pug and Nashville Diver

 

[Diver0001]

Hello Everyone,

I am hoping someone will be able to offer me some good advice. A few months ago my buddy had a bad accident that severely jeopardized both our lives and it was strictly due to carelessness on the part of my buddy. Thankfully, both of us were ok. Since the accident, I have continued to dwell on the events leading up to, during and after the accident. I have been diving since (even at the site of the accident) and everything was fine as long as I was diving with someone different. However, when I dive with my buddy who had the accident, I feel anxious, stressed out, and don't enjoy the dive at all. I have tried to talk to my buddy about how the accident affected me, but my buddy will not listen, becomes resentful of me bringing up the subject, and extremely defensive. My buddy also doesn't want me to talk to other people about this because it would be "talking behind my buddy's back" and not fair to my buddy. I don't want to lose this person as a friend, I don't want to hurt their feelings by just not diving with them anymore, but I need some way that I can move past this. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Vereel

I think the feeling of stress you're having is natural after an accident. I also think if your buddy isn't open to talking about it that the feeling is also justified. By the sounds of it you have some hard choices to make.

If I can give you any advice then it would be to get the conflict on the table and talk it through. Even if you decide not to dive with him again you'll still need to do this for your friendship. If he gets defensive try to work past it. Defensiveness is a shield for the thing behind it. Dig a little for what's motivating him. Maybe he feels embarrassed, for example. Maybe once you clear that up the defensivness will be less intense.

Good luck.

R..

 

[Vereel]

My buddy and I have been friends for years and we started out diving together. If I stop diving with this person, it would definitely end our friendship and this is something I do not want to have happen. As for trying to talk to my buddy about it, I have...embarrassment on their part is definitely a huge factor as is not ever truly taking responsibility for poor decisions on their part (i.e. the blame always lies with something else). This person is mortified whenever anyone asked them how they were doing after the accident (it involved a trip to the chamber so it was a considerate question in my opinion) and is always worrying about people talking about them. Now I am sure it is the same anywhere that in your local diving community when an accident happens it is bound to stir a lot of conversation and spark lots of discussion...this person looked on these conversations as being malicious and undermining. I think that if I could discuss things openly with my buddy that even if things weren't resolved that at least I would feel better and probably be able to get on with things. If there is a way to approach the subject that perhaps I haven't tried that would be more productive, please let me know! And thanks for your speedy responses.

V.

 

[ShakaZulu]

Hey, what's wrong with you???? Your buddy is part of your life support down there, and if he messes up, you can get hurt. Grab him by the ears, sit him down and explain it to him. If he doesn't like it, give him some time to grow up..........

 

[HBDiveGirl]

My buddy and I have been friends for years and we started out diving together. If I stop diving with this person, it would definitely end our friendship and this is something I do not want to have happen. As for trying to talk to my buddy about it, I have...embarrassment on their part is definitely a huge factor as is not ever truly taking responsibility for poor decisions on their part (i.e. the blame always lies with something else). This person is mortified whenever anyone asked them how they were doing after the accident (it involved a trip to the chamber so it was a considerate question in my opinion) and is always worrying about people talking about them. Now I am sure it is the same anywhere that in your local diving community when an accident happens it is bound to stir a lot of conversation and spark lots of discussion...this person looked on these conversations as being malicious and undermining. I think that if I could discuss things openly with my buddy that even if things weren't resolved that at least I would feel better and probably be able to get on with things. If there is a way to approach the subject that perhaps I haven't tried that would be more productive, please let me know! And thanks for your speedy responses.

V.

You are asking essential questions for all the right reasons. It's apparent that you highly value both your own safety, the safety of your buddy, AND the value of your friendship. Just my 2 cents here: People in defensive modes often make quick, absolute judgements about motivations of others. A defensive persons may hear a statement differently than intended because he/she misunderstands the motivation of the speaker. One often effective strategy is to explicitly state your motivations to the defended person. "What I do want is for our friendship to continue because I value it and I value you." "What I don't want is to sacrifice our friendship because I don't feel I can talk openly with you." "What I do want is a sense of confident safety when we dive together." What I don't want is to reproach you for any past events'. "What I do want and need is an effective debriefing of a past event so that we can learn and be a more safe and effective diving partnership."
Reading this, it may seem a bit tedious, but it can truly work to offer a defended person the opportunity to reconsider and acquire a sense of safety in speaking rather than fear and danger. (I take no credit for this...it all comes from a GREAT book "Crucial Conversations. Tools for talking when stakes are high" by Patterson, McMillan,, and Switzler. 2002)
Then, once you've tried, and observed the response, it comes back to you to decide if your minimum safety needs will be met if you continue to dive with your friend. But you'll know more than you might be aware of now. And you will make a good choice.
May your compassion for you both see you through.
Claudette

 

[opiniongirl]

A relationship has to be a two way street.

And as much as you want to preserve the relationship, your friend must also want to do the same, and put as much effort into resolving this as you are.

It sounds like you are doing everything possible to get over this, but also consider that most responses from your post have been the same - that your friendship sounds awfully one-sided, and you may need to put your foot down and discontinue (even temporarily) diving with this fellow until they act accordingly.

Fool you once, shame on them
Fool you twice, shame on you

 

[Seadeuce]

Good advice there from HBdivegirl.

To take things one step further, your buddy probably believes that your incident was a failure on his part.
He should be given the chance to accept that these incidents happen, sometimes without rational explanation i.e. within the tables. An undeserved hit it is called.
At other times there is an underlying cause, or causes.

To approach this taboo subject, and have him face reality, get him to read some archival material on similar hits, there must be many, even though we haven't details of your particular episode.

One or two of these "illustrative" incidents can then be analysed for cause. Your buddy might find it easier to speak about that which involves a third party.

Having gone over a few of these, and without making a comparison with yours, bring up the need for further education in diving. Would it have helped those third parties?
If you both agree that it would, then identify how best to address this lack of education. Rescue Course maybe?

By this time your incident still hasn't become the focus of attention.

If you can both sign up for an appropriate progressive course, then diving together continues, but with further emphasis on safety procedures.

The above will serve as a confidence builder for you, and should remind your buddy of the responsibility that goes with safe diving.

Bottom line, the subject need not be broached in the short term, but a reality check has to take place.

If you do not see this as appropriate, there is an alternative. Go on a course without him, saying that you feel you need to.
He may not want you to get ahead of him and decide to do it as well.

I am shooting blind here, for the target has not been described in detail. If your buddy is a highly-qualified instructor, then I would revert to previous postings on this thread. He should know better, face the facts, and move on or shove off.


Best of Luck,


Seadeuce