Don't take the piss.
It's the Dive Girl's guide to weeing at sea
text: Mary Brown
models: Mary, Maxine and Ian
photos: M Brill
Learning to dive caused me endless hours of agony but I've never been bent. Maybe this is because of the endless hours of instruction I have received in how to avoid getting bent. Unfortunately none of the training agencies has thought to put weeing at sea as part of any course.
I'm surprised it isn't a PADI speciality.
Reading through any of the diving instruction manuals you might be forgiven for thinking that divers don't wee - like the Queen Mum or something. It took me two years even to be able to wee in a wetsuit underwater. People usually end dives due to air, decompression or cold considerations. I barely needed to work out my tables or air requirements. I would always end my dives cos I needed the loo. The amount of gas that got wasted doesn't bear thinking about.
For people who don't get embarrassed it must seem strange that others put themselves through so much pain. It's not just as simple being told the best way to do it. It's psychological. I've been in agony, stripped off got in position and then not been able to wee. The harder you try the worse it gets and the more embarrassed you feel. You can't get dressed without going and you can't go and everyone starts to get impatient and you just want to die. Teresa agrees. She has been diving for eight years and only once managed to pee off a RIB. "I just find it so daunting, the idea of getting undressed in front of everyone. I trust all the guys in my own club but often there are other boats around at dive sites. Also, I don't want to be a nuisance. (bless) Kitting up is dominated by timing a trip to the toilet just before the boat leaves. The one time I did manage to go I was in absolute desperation." The trick to overcoming the embarrassment is just practice. The more you do it the easier it gets and suddenly your whole diving experience is improved enormously. Though you can always stick to hard boats with toilets! "When I learnt to dive it didn't occur to me I would have to get on a boat never mind pee off one." says Dive Girl's Louise. "I had a romantic vision of blue water and dolphins - not coming up with a mask full of snot and having to drop my knickers in front of a boat full of blokes.
What finally forced me into weeing on a RIB was the offer of a trip to the Torrey Canyon 22 miles off Lands End. I knew I'd never be able to do the trip without a wee at sea. How much did I like diving? It was make or break. Diving won the day and I got mentally prepared before we left. In the event all the boys were so busy pouring over charts and echo sounders that both Helen Golding and myself had a wee in a bucket at the back without any of the boys even noticing. She is a heroine to me due to her help on this day. My enjoyment of diving has increased immeasurably and I hope the following tips will help anyone else who suffers from the same affliction.
Plan the wee
Before you go make sure you have an adequate supply of loo paper in your undersuit pocket. You can't even rely on a hard boat having some. Although I have used a chart in my time! It is also imperative to bring some talc or KY to make suiting up as graceful as possible and avoid any embarrassing seal splits.
If you are new to things always try and be part of the last buddy pair. When everyone else has got in the water you can wee in peace. Alternately go the minute everyone starts kitting up. This ensures maximum distraction.
Golden Rules
Never, but never avoid drinking before a dive in a vain attempt to avoid needing a wee. It probably won't work and dehydration provocates decompression illness.
If you ever wee in a wet suit always wash it out in the sea before hanging it up in the boat. Crews of hard boats in foreign climes often sleep on deck and the last thing they need is your urine dropping on their heads.
When weeing off RIBS make sure the engine is in neutral and the cox knows what you are up to.
Wee the plan ...
Back of the boat
Perch over the transom (bit at the back that the engines bolted on to) holding onto the A frame and engine.
Disadvantages
Boat design can limit feasibility ie. impossible to do on twin engined RIBS.
Most likely position to attract a cold water enema.
You might be left permanently jammed between the engine and A frame.
Advantages
As discreet as it comes - at least to those on the boat.
You have something to hold onto.
With the right boat and sea conditions can be positively comfortable.
Bucket at the back of the boat
Get a bucket or tub - there is usually one kicking about somewhere. Take it to a space at the back, hover above and Bobs your Uncle.
Disadvantages
Emptying aforementioned bucket of ropes, goody bags, shot weights and other assorted tat.
Somewhat exposed particularly if the boat doesnt have a bottle rack to hang onto and hide behind.
Washing out bucket and replacing aforementioned tat.
Advantages
No need to worry about falling in the sea.
Least likely to let your sleeves get wet.
Bucket at the front of the boat
The same routine at the front of the boat may give you the console to hang onto and hide behind though you have to be comfortable in the close proximity to a gaggle of boys hanging round the echo sounder.
Over the tubes Balancing act hanging out over the side of the rib whilst holding onto something or someone.
Disadvantages
Feeling like you are either about to fall in or feeling like you are going to wee into the boat and therefore all over yourself.
No matter how much practice is given it is inevitable your undersuit sleeve will decide it wants a dip.
Advantages
This technique probably takes the most practice to feel comfortable with but has the major advantage of being possible off any inflatable or RIB and does not require special equipment.
On the deck
Just wee straight onto the floor at the back of the boat and then put down the elephants trunk to drain the wee away. Make sure your undersuit arms are tucked in out of the wee's way.
Disadvantages
Psychologically the hardest - it really isn't the done thing to go round weeing on floors.
Advantages
No equipment
No need to worry about falling in the sea.
Surprisingly easy and safe.
People on other boats won't see you.
Do's and don'ts for dive boys
Don't
take photographs
say "What do you need toilet paper for?"
say "Could you not have gone before?"
Do
take an affected interest in something on the horizon
talk amongst yourselves
behave
Alternatively ...
Nappys
I have not yet tested out this method but I am assured by deep wreck diver Christina Campbell that they are no problem at all and essential for dry suit decompression diving. During the Britannic '98 expedition she dived to 120 metres giving decompression stops of over 3 hours. "In fact I have usually used them before I get in the water" says Christina.
Nappies (adult incontinence pads) are widely available from most branches of Boots the chemist.
Learn to wee standing up and get a convenience zip There is a whole web site and discussion group called "A Woman's Guide on How to Pee Standing Up". See
www.restrooms.org/standing.html. There are very explicit instructions but I would seriously suggest you master the technique before you start mutilating your dry suit and trying to do it off boats. Apparently there a very effective method using an adapted medicine spoon that is practised by winter sports enthusiasts who wish to avoid getting an icy bottom.
Why didn't they tell us sooner!
A big thank you to Ian Fuller of Old Harbour Dive School and Budgie Burgess of Breakwater Diving Centre for helping out with the photoshoot. Also apologies to their trainees who surfaced from their first open water dive discovered that a photographer and two weeing women had commandeered their boat.!
:crawl: :boings:
