If you have RSVP'd or noted that you are dropping OUT of this event, you will herewith be replace with UNTRAINED chimpanzees! You heard that right! UNtrained! We WERE going to at least hire TRAINED primates to replace you on the list but the board of directors has decided that you would be a bad influence on the already trained staff and would degrade their performance. Therefore we will hire them raw, and train them as we want them; higher workload performance and lesser pay with no complaining. We have chosen chimpanzees as the preferable primate as they take fewer sick days during the year. We understand this may raise discrimination issues as some of you had placed on your contract that should you be shot, sold into slavery in Guam, or shipped off to a non-descript location in a witness protection program, that you would prefer to be replaced with Orangutans instead of chimps. However, since you no longer will be attending, and your opinion and contract are no longer in effect, you get chimps!
For the rest of you who are attending and would appreciate NOT being in attendance with chimpanzees, especially UNTRAINED chimpanzees, you may file grievance form 1240-A and take a stroll down washout lane! (Don't tell the non-attendees that we're actually NOT replacing them, just eating their share of the food and drinks.)
We now return you to your regularly scheduled pre-megadive anticipation!