Military Humor

[O2BBubbleFree]

I got an incoming call from the base CO's secretary one day, asking for one of the guys I worked with. It went something like this:

(Me) "Sergeant Smith, May I help you?"

(Her) "I need to talk to MSgt Jones."

"Hold on a second, I'll transfer you."

When MSgt Jones picked up the phone the line was dead. Two minutes later the secretary called back, and I answered again.

"Sergeant Smith, May I help you?"

"I need to talk to MSgt Jones."

“Oh, I think you just called, and somehow got lost on the transfer. Hold on and I’ll try it again.”

“No, I hung up. I don’t hold.”

“Excuse me?”

“I have way too many things to do to spend my day on hold. So I hung up and called back.”

“Oh, well I wasn’t putting you on hold, I was transferring you to his desk.”

“Well, I’m too busy to hold.”

“OK, I understand. Hold on a minute.”

I then put her on hold while I explained the situation to MSgt Jones, and anyone else who would listen. When he got around to picking up the line she was still there. I guess she does hold.

Names were changed to protect the guilty.

 

[O2BBubbleFree]

... the phone rang at 1703 hrs.

A wise-guy tech answered, "This better be good, you're on my time now."

The company commander (on the other end of the line) yells, "THIS IS YOUR COMMANDER, WHO AM I TALKING TO!"

The tech says, "You don't know? Good." and hung up.

 

[Lonestar Diver]

12 Step program for recovering Military.

1. I am a (Insert Military Title here) , I have a problem. This is the
first step to recovery...

2. Speech:
Time should never begin with a zero or end in a hundred, it is not 0530
or 1400 it is 5:30 in the morning (AKA God-awful early).

Words like deck, rack, "PT" and Bulk Head will get you weird looks;
floor, bed, work out, wall, get used to it.

"F *ck" cannot be used to replace whatever word you can't think of right
now, try "um".

Grunting is not talking.

It's a phone, not a radio, conversations on a phone do not end in "out"

People will not know what you are talking about if you tell them you tell
them you are coming from Camp Lejeune with the MWSS platoon or that you
spent time with Group, Civil Affairs or MI

3. Style:
Do not put creases in your jeans.

Do not put creases on the front of your dress shirts.

A horseshoe cut looks dumb, not motivating.

A high and tight looks really dumb as well.

So does a low reg, but not as bad.

A hat indoors does not make you a bad person, it makes you like the rest
of the world.

you do not have to wear a belt ALL the time.

4. Women:
Air Force girls are easy, very easy, not all women are this easy and will
probably punch you in the nuts if you treat them like Air Force girls.

Being divorced twice by the time you are 23 is not normal, neither are 6
month marriages, even if it is your first.

Marrying a girl so that you can move out of the barracks does not make
"financial sense", it makes you a retard.

5. Personal accomplishments:
In the real world, being able to do push-ups will not make you good at
your job.

Most people will be slightly disturbed by you if you tell them about
people you have killed or seen die.

How much pain you can take is not a personal accomplishment.

6. Drinking:
The time you got really drunk and passed the sobriety test anyway is also
not a personal accomplishment.

In the real world, being drunk before 5pm will get you an intervention,
not a "good for you"

That time you drank a 5th of Jaeger and p!$$&d in your closet is not a
conversation starter.

That time you went to the combat medic school and practiced giving vodka
iv's will also not be a good conversation starter either

7. The human body:
Farting on your co-workers and then giggling while you run away may be
viewed as "unprofessional".

The size of the dump you took yesterday will not be funny no matter how
big it was, or how much it burned, or smelled.

You can't make fun of someone for being sick, no matter how funny it is

VD will also not be funny

Most people will not want to hear about your b@77s. Odd as that may seem,
it's true.

8. Spending habits:
Some day you will no longer live in the barrecks One day, you will have to pay bills

Buying a $30,000 car on a $16,000 a year salary is a really bad idea.

Spending money on video games instead of on diapers makes you a fool.

One day you will need health insurance

9. Interacting with civilians (AKA YOU):
Making fun of your neighbor to his face for being fat will not be normal.

10. Real jobs:
They really can fire you.

On the flip side you really can quit.

Screaming at the people that work for you will not be normal, remember
they really can quit too.

Taking naps at work will not be acceptable.

Remember 9-5 not 0530 to 1800

11. The Law:
Article 15s (NJP) do not exist and will not save you from prison.

Your workplace unlike your command can't save you and probably won't, in
fact, they will most likely fire you about 5 minutes after they find out
you've been arrested

Even McDonalds does background checks, and "conviction" isn't going to
help you get the job

Fighting is not a normal thing and really will get you arrested, not
yelled at Monday morning before they ask you if you won.

12. General knowledge:
You can in fact really say what you think about the President in public.

Pain is not weakness leaving the body, it's just pain.

They won't wear anything shiny that tells you they are more important
then you are, be polite.

Read the contracts before you sign them, remember what happened the first
time.


Disclamer

Thank you all for doing what you do

 

[Squalus]

Everything I Ever Needed To Know About Life, I Learned As A Helicopter Crewchief in Vietnam: by Bobby McBride 69/70:

1. Definition of ‘Helicopter’:
Rotating parts going round and round. Reciprocating parts going up and down. All of them trying to become random in direction. Helicopters cannot fly, they are just SO UGLY that the earth rejects them
2. Helicopters are cool
3. It is a fact that helicopter tail rotors are instinctively drawn toward trees, stumps, rocks, etc. While it may be possible to ward off this natural event some of the time, it cannot, despite the best efforts of the crew, always to be prevented. It’s just what they do.
4. The engine RPM, and the rotor RPM, must BOTH be kept in the GREEN. Failure to heed this commandment can affect the morale of the crew.
5. A billfold in your hip pocket can numb your leg and be a real pain in the ***.
6. The terms “Protective Armor” and “Helicopter” are mutually exclusive.
7. “Chicken Plates” are not something you order in a restaurant
8. The BS (Bang Stare Red) Theory states that the louder the sudden bang in the helicopter, the quicker your eyes will be drawn to the gauges. The longer you stare at the gauges, the less time it takes them to move from red to green.
9. Gravity: It may not be fair, but it is the law
10. Happiness is a belt fed weapon
11. If something hasn’t broken on your helicopter, it’s about to
12. Air superiority is NOT a luxury
13. It is a bad thing to run out of airspeed, altitude and ideas all at the same time
14. While the rest of the crew may be in the same predicament, it’s usually the pilot’s job to arrive at the crash site first
15. Loud sudden noises in a helicopter WILL get your undivided attention
16. A free fire zone has nothing to do with cigarette lighters or economics
17. The further you fly into the mountains, the louder the strange engine noises
18. “Pucker Factor” is the formal name of the equation that states the more hairy the situation is, the more of the seat cushion will be sucked up your ***. It can be expressed in its mathematical formula of: PF (pucker factor) = S (suction) + H (height above ground) + I (Interest in staying alive) + T (# of tracers coming your way). Thus the term ‘****!’ can also be used to denote the situation where a high Pucker Factor is being encountered
19. Running out of pedal, fore or aft cyclic, or collective are all bad ideas. Any combination of these can be deadly
20. NOMEX is NOT fire proof
21. Flying is better than walking. Walking is better than running. Running is better than crawling All of these however, are better than extraction by a Med-Evac, even if it is technically, a form of flying
22. It is essential to keep the number of your landings equal to your number of take-offs
23. A ‘good landing’ is any landing that you can walk away from
24. A ‘great landing’ is one that you can walk away from AND they can use the aircraft again
25. 25. A grunt is the reason for the existence of the helicopter. Every helicopter flying in Vietnam had one real purpose: To help the grunt. It is unfortunate that many helicopters never had the opportunity to fulfill their one true mission in life, simply because someone forgot this fact.
26. If you have not been there and done that…. You will probably not understand most of these
27. Fixed wing aircraft don’t hover and real helicopters have crew chiefs (“Kid” Logue)
NEVER FORGET

MILITARY TIME
On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft
asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who is calling?" The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference:
If it is an American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock.
If it is an Air Force, it is 1500 hours.
If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.
If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.
If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."

 

[Squalus]

Why helicopters are better than women:

1. A helicopter will kill you quickly....
2. Helicopters can be turned on by the flick of a switch
3. A helicopter does not get mad if you “touch and go”
4. A helicopter does not object to a preflight inspection
5. Helicopters come with manuals
6. Helicopters have strict weight and balance limits
7. You can fly a helicopter any time of the month
8. Helicopters don’t whine unless something is REALLY wrong
9. Helicopters don’t come with in-laws
10. Helicopters don’t care how many other helicopters you have flown with
11. When flying, you and your helicopter both arrive at the same time
12. Helicopters don’t mind if you look at other helicopters, or if you buy helicopter magazines
13. It’s OK to use tie-downs on helicopters
14. Helicopters can haul a lot of.... “BOOZE!!”
15. Helicopters can hover and..... “ROTATE!!”
16. Helicopters can haul elephants!! HMH-462, 1968!

 

[The Kraken]

Thanx, DMP !!!
Those were so funny, so true, and mean so much because you know why.

1st Cav, Medevac/Assault pilot.

Clear left !? Clear right !? Comin HOT !!!!

 

[2Tours N Iraq`]

As a grunt, helicopters are my friend. Thank God I've never needed a MEDEVAC (knock on wood).

 

[2Tours N Iraq`]

Things I have learned from the Army (all either done or witnessed)
1. Field Time is fun
2. Desk Jobs don't carry the same impressiveness as grunt work
3. Chicks dig uniforms with lots of sparkley dangley's
4. War is the Super Bowl of military service
5. 20% of the privates do 80% of the work
6. That you don't want to be refered to as "Oh that guy!"
7. It takes a long time for a TOW to get out to 3,660 meters in combat
8. You can never have enough ammo (even though you probably won't use it all)
9. Body armor sucks but it's worth wearing
10. MOPP gear sucks even more and only serves to make you drink more water
11. Cat-holes are cleaner than toilets
12. Good leaders are up front and do all the things they demand of their troops
13. There is no difference between "Accessory Packet A" and "Accessory Packet B"
14. All MREs taste the same after 3 months of nothing else
15. Incoming mortar and rockets suck

 

[FreeFloat]

And never, ever, be an "INDIVIDUAL"

I had someone insult me with that term once........

On Basic training we had these Melmac plates to get served our field meals on. We had been told to mark the plates with our last name and last 3. Everyone else (unbeknownst to me) was marking the underside of their plate but I figured, how can you tell which slop is yours when the plate's loaded... so I marked the rim of mine. Of course coming up to the Master Jack with the ladle, he had to comment, "Well, we have an INDIVIDUAL here!" (Boy was my face red!)

Well...! It made sense....... and they didn't say not to!

Which brings me to two other universal military lessons-learned:

1) It is far better to beg forgiveness than ask permission.

2) If it makes sense, it's not the Army way. The Army way is to take the least efficient, most costly and most difficult way, and make it into a regulation.

 

[Firebrand]

If it makes sense, it's not the Army way. The Army way is to take the least efficient, most costly and most difficult way, and make it into a regulation.

And all the people said, "Amen!"