clive francis
Guest
not necessarily mine! 
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will
probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to
stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say Something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men break wind more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the
required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is
yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
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I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was
Always.
----------------------------------------
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to
interrupt her.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's
sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.
----------------------------------------
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring,
Suffering.
----------------------------------------
Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the
TV?"
I said, "Dust!"
----------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God
created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then,
neither God nor Man has rested.
------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
----------------------------------------
A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo
Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything for days."
She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your
willpower."
----------------------------------------
Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of
Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
----------------------------------------
A man inserted an advertisement in the classified:
Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They
all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
----------------------------------------
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to
forget it once.
----------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they
are beautiful.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
----------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will
probably never be able to support you.
----------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to
stand closer to the kitchen sink.
----------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say Something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
----------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
----------------------------------------
Why do men break wind more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the
required pressure.
----------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is
yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
----------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
--------------------------------------
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was
Always.
----------------------------------------
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to
interrupt her.
---------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's
sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.
----------------------------------------
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring,
Suffering.
----------------------------------------
Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the
TV?"
I said, "Dust!"
----------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God
created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then,
neither God nor Man has rested.
------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
----------------------------------------
A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo
Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything for days."
She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your
willpower."
----------------------------------------
Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of
Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
----------------------------------------
A man inserted an advertisement in the classified:
Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They
all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
----------------------------------------
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to
forget it once.
----------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they
are beautiful.
