Long Distance Relationship Advice Please!

[Wormil]

I guess I wasn't clear in my post since you missed my point...

People come before places (at least for me) so if someone is fortunate enough to believe she/he has found the right person, the next step is to relocate. Hence my kudos to people like DebbyDiver and k ellis who have moved for love.

While I think LDRs are a great way to initiate a relationship, I question how they can endure without someone moving eventually...

Yes, sure. But my argument with that is, what happens when you move two thousand miles to be with X, and they turn out to be something different.

It's a long way to go to make a big mistake. "What a horrible night for a curse"

 

[annasea]

Yes, sure. But my argument with that is, what happens when you move two thousand miles to be with X, and they turn out to be something different.

It's a long way to go to make a big mistake. "What a horrible night for a curse"

I see what you're saying and I agree that it's a valid point, but nightmare relationships also happen to local people, too. "You're not the man I married, blah, blah, blah..." Look at the divorce rates...

Granted, if someone has moved the stakes can be higher, but usually the person with less to lose materialistically/financially is the one to move, I think.

I believe it boils down to risk tolerance, adaptability, and priorities.

 

[Wormil]

I see what you're saying and I agree that it's a valid point, but nightmare relationships also happen to local people, too. "You're not the man I married, blah, blah, blah..." Look at the divorce rates...

Granted, if someone has moved the stakes can be higher, but usually the person with less to lose materialistically/financially is the one to move, I think.

I believe it boils down to risk tolerance, adaptability, and priorities.

I chalk the local ones up to cocaine and people's in ability to want to be alone. I have no problem being alone, so I don't care if I meet a girl and she's not right for me. I just say, sorry.

 

[Wormil]

Attention: All the single ladies, put your hands up!
I'm auctioning off 1 month of long distance relationship time with me, the great wormil. All proceeds will go to SUDS.

Start bidding

 

[Sas]

For all you folks in a LDR, who are heads over heels in love with the person, I'd ask myself this, "How many times have we met? How well do I -really- know this person?". I can and do type anything I want on this forum, in emails, etc. Amazingly, with a bit of work, I even write some nice emails that make people think I'm a nice guy. It's amazingly easy to tell people you love them....

Yea you can't really know someone only meeting them a few times even after a bajillion hours on the telephone. You need to live with them and spend years with them. Even spending days in the car together as one poster put means nothing. If I'd judged my partner on our first cross country car trip together then I totally would have broken up with him (and I nearly did, my friend talked me out of it saying to give it more time) because he was a pain in the arse the whole way. Lucky I didn't as he is awesome. I still learn stuff about him too years later and I think we learned the most about each other when going through rough times, which you just won't get in a year or a few months.

Ah, I totally didn't think about posting this, but how very important!!! Thanks, Elena! It was uber-important to both of us to meet as many of each other's friends, and in his case some of his family (he has relatives local to me), as possible.

Why is this? I am confused. Other people's approval of my relationship is not important....

Attention: All the single ladies, put your hands up!
I'm auctioning off 1 month of long distance relationship time with me, the great wormil. All proceeds will go to SUDS.

Start bidding

Ok I'll give you $10

 

[DebbyDiver]

Wow, lots to reply to...

Let me just say that there are no guarantees in ANY relationship. You just have to believe, then take your chances.

In my case, I was moving anyway...didn't have a firm destination in mind ("keys" loosely but could have been anywhere with warm water diving). I have nothing to lose. If my guy doesn't work out, I was moving anyway, it's all good.

Sas, it's difficult to explain to you the "friend approval" thing but in the past, friends have disliked people who ended up not working out in the end. Is friend approval a deal breaker? Nope, but it was nice to see him be so gracious and fun with my friends...and I was very impressed with how he and his friends interacted, and how they took me aside to tell me what a wonderful man he is.

Life, and diving, entail risks. You evaluate the risk vs. reward and go for it. I'm real happy about my decision...and, I know that I can change my mind (or he can) before I move there...and, I know that if it doesn't work out, it's not the end of the world. I'm thrilled with my decision, and so are the people who are important to my life. For people who are naysayers, I tend to think "jealous much?"

 

[Sas]

In my case, I was moving anyway...didn't have a firm destination in mind ("keys" loosely but could have been anywhere with warm water diving). I have nothing to lose. If my guy doesn't work out, I was moving anyway, it's all good.

Yea, I think if you really like this person, one of you moving is the best thing to do rather than stay long distance. As I said in a previous post, life is way too short to not be physically with someone you love. Much better than sitting around chatting on the phone all day and never seeing them. It might not work so always have a Plan B though, is what I would do

But I still don't think people will know someone well until they have spent a great deal of time with them.

Also your naysayers are probably not jealous at all, just concerned that you might be making a mistake. I certainly would be concerned for a friend who met someone online and decided to make a massive life change after a short period of time.

 

[DebbyDiver]

Thank you, Sas!

Yup, without a Plan B this wouldn't work. Actually he is my Plan B...I already had Plan A which I can fall back on (but I don't think I'll need to). It would be too scary without an alternative plan. He knows this and teases me about it ("you can always just drive your stuff to Key Largo you know! lol")

And, agreed, you don't know someone until you've spent a long time with them but...well, what better way to get to know them? I mean really, other than moving in with him, what else is there (besides the long vacations we are taking together). I was moving this summer anyway...no need to keep it a LDR, I can easily move to where he is...much more easily than moving on my own to an alternative locale (yes we weighed the alternatives very carefully).

OK, I admit, I am very lucky that this relationship literally fell into my lap out of the universe AFTER I had already decided to make a major life change. I understand that most of you will not have such luck. Even my stepmother questions, how did I get so lucky...I don't know, I guess I just deserve it.

The naysayers actually are not friends...my friends are all on board 100% (they love the guy!!!!!!!)...the naysayers are acquaintances at best. I wish them the same happiness in life that I've found. Truly, I do.

Take a chance. Life is short. Take a risk. You won't die. Maybe you'll get your heart broken (like you haven't already had that happen!) and maybe you won't. Life is to be lived to the fullest.

Finally, to quote my grandmother, an awesome woman of the sea: "everything in life turns out exactly the way it was supposed to."

 

[ohmdiver]

Every relationship is unique, no one thing works for everyone...wormil wants an open relationship and he may find someone (and herpes free) that is fine with that...good luck with that...

There are keys, trust and communication are huge conerstones. (I think trust is a byproduct of communication)

I have said in the past, that "love" comes and goes, but a friendship is forever. I married my best friend, and we were friends long before we dated.
While it may not be perfect we have been married now for 17 years and I have no bullet hole in me yet....lol....

 

[Sas]

With caution so I don't get herpes. That's a rule. Like 3.

I'll lay out some dating rules for people.

1.) Don't died.
2.) Don't died some one else.
3.) Don't get herpes.
4.) If you break rule 1, at least break it while doing something that could lead to breaking rule 3.
5.) If you break rule 2, at least break it while doing something that could lead to breaking rule 3.

I think pretty much Rule 3 is the only rule. You're discriminating against people like Meiwes and Brandes with the other ones.

And, agreed, you don't know someone until you've spent a long time with them but...well, what better way to get to know them? I mean really, other than moving in with him, what else is there (besides the long vacations we are taking together).

Yea that was pretty much what I was saying, it's a good idea to move but you do not know the person well until you've spent longer than a couple of months together (I mean everyone starts off a relationship like this but LDR people are at a significant disadvantage). I am more pointing out even though it's going well for you (and hopefully it will stay that way ) you don't know him well.

If I was single and met a man or woman online that I really fell for for some reason I'd visit them a couple of times and vice versa then make one of us move. LDR is the worst, the WORST, you're wasting your life imho. But I have the financial resources to cope if it turned out terribly Some people don't and I am of the opinion they should stick to local people rather than do LDR or risk moving when they have no escape route.