Lonely old lady needs feedback

[Nehallenia]

Hi Nehallenia! It's not a waste of time, O.K..... It's easier than you think. You have his e-mail address and you're both in the same line of work, right!

Anything worth having is worth planning and developing.(Take your time, don't rush into anything right away). You already sent him an E-mail and he responded, good! Don't expect him to pour his heart out on his first reply...
Sharing how you feel to early in a relationship or encounter is not a good idea.
Be cool...E-mail him again in a few days and try to mention something work related, you know keep it simple. Ask him how his family feels about all the traveling he does. From his reply you'll find out if he has one or not...

Oh.. and about that old lady thing. It's not how old or young or how pretty one is or how fat or skinny you are...

It's how you handle your self that counts!

Well, have emailed again and received a reply again. With indication that the correspondence will continue. No definite word yea or nay re: SO. I know I shouldn't share how I feel - it is too confused!!

It was just WEIRD to find myself thinking "I wonder how many women this guy has slept with", and caring, when I didn't really find him physically compelling. Although I must say I liked the way he moved . . . he was so relaxed, and natural, and confident - I was very impressed! I refused to go out for a drink with him because I was afraid of what I might do (make a fool of myself; do something I would regret later. etc.). Has anyone else had an experience like this???

Oh - yes, I think it is how you present yourself that counts: when I thought I was ugly and unacceptable, I was treated that way. When I became friendly and outgoing and acted attractive, I was perceived that way and have been amazed at the flattering responses I get. Now I never miss an opportunity to give someone a sincere compliment, or be friendly or understanding - I know how much it can mean to someone.

 

[Nehallenia]

You'd be surprised how easy such things are worked into conversations. However you might be kicking yourself and generally thinking that it is obvious - again self confidence.

As for payback, i thought that might be what you were infering, sometimes that happens, but usually i know my interest is only sparked when someone reciprocates things in a way that is more than friendly, ie helpful/friendly and then we seem to click. As for someone "helping" you that you might be attracted to and you not being willing, i would aim at trust and intimacy issues. You are going to have a hard time early on in your post-divorce/seperation(?) time having someone near you that you can trust and who you might want to have feelings for. You dont want to let people in quite yet, its quite natural, over time hopefully this guard will fall and you will be able to get back into it, but you have to work yourself through the problems that were created within you from how your last relationship worked out. As Nomaster said, if this falls through, at least you have next time and you have started the process of getting yourself more able to have someone in your life again - if that is what you want of course. It is the thought process, the analysis of who you are, what you are feeling, how you wish to develop as a person and get over what has happened and the getting your self-confidence back that is most important thing, thinking about it with this guy can/should help and of course it would be a nice bonus if you could get him - if you feel you are ready for this/him. Yes no real solutions, just a bunch of hypotheses and my own opinions, the action and repair of what you are having issues with is something you have to do yourself, doesnt mean others cant support you, but its a hurdle that you are the only one who can jump over, others cant do it for you. I take part of what i theorise from other things you have read as well about the past relationship - although people on here dont know the full story, the basics help to see areas where things might need a little redirection/restoration to get you back to who it seems you were once a while back.

You are right in much of what you say here - part of the reason I posted was I was wondering if anyone post-breakup had a similar experience. The whole thing made me question what my values around relationships and attraction really are. Also, are they valid? Do they really work for me, in getting my real needs for intimacy met, or do they just keep me in an illusory state of safety or control?? I am thinking the fear I felt, might be connected to a loss of control - people who have been abused/controlled have big control issues. I have let go of my control issues in every aspect of my life except this one - I think I had the fear that this person could . . . get past my defenses, and control me. It is a trust thing. Yikes!! I don't have this fear in my friendship relationships anymore, but looks as if I still have it where men are concerned.

Oh, my goodness, the next guy I get involved with is going to have his work cut out for him.

 

[Nehallenia]

And, maybe he doesn't.
1,000 miles, two hours.

Tom

I think it is farther than that actually. And what car goes 500 miles an hour?? Not an aging Corolla! :11:

 

[Nehallenia]

Nehallenia- First, old you are not. I think you are at a fantastic age for a woman. Of course I don't consider myself old either (just old enough to "know better" even if I don't show it). You appear to be an attractive, active, intelligent woman.

Regarding self-image issues, I must shamefully admit that in my past I have been one of those men who would verbally abuse the woman I was with. It didn't happen often, but it did happen. Shame on me. Yes, I was extremely stressed at the time (and my SO also worked for the same organization and I was her boss' boss which made things dicey at times).

Fortunately her self image was secure and she was not affected by those verbal assaults. Fortunately, she also knew it was the stress and not my real feelings. Fortunately we remained together for 7 1/2 years and are still great friends 4+ years after our breakup. Fortunately I am no longer subject to the conditions that brought on the stress and am now such a "mellow fellow" it sickens me.

So forget the words of your ex-husband. He was either an *ssh*le (like I was at times) or someone who had serious problems of his own. Don't judge yourself by his comments. We are here for you girl (and you are a girl... and a woman).

Dr. Phill... er, Dr. Bill

I think it is very brave and honest of you to own up to your incidents of verbal abuse. These sorts of things can come out of anyone in a stressful situation - it is when it forms a pattern, becomes physical, goes on for years, that it is a truly abuse-based relationship. My ex could certainly accuse me of being verbally abusive at times - but the person in control, the feared person, was HIM. I would be submissive for months or even years at a time and then out of strain, or exhaustion I would just blow up. Giving him an excuse to be physically violent, or even more emotionally abusive.

I am sure you are a very mellow fellow and very wise!! Good for you and your ex that you are still friends.

 

[Nehallenia]

-You look good. Simbrooks was right, guys can be a bit shallow (at first) but I can´t see how that would "hurt your chances"...

-Age is just a number (you don´t look your age). If you feel old, you´ll act old (no matter if you are or not).

I saw you mountainbike. Whenever you feel old/unatractive just remember the great feeling of strength and confidence you have after a hard workout. That´ll help you realize how "silly" those feelings are and help you be the real you (I think).

IMHO, its all about perception and everyone who has posted so far disagree with your perception of yourself (old/unatractive). You can go on with your (imo) "wrong"/negative view of yourself or you can choose to see the goodlooking and attractive woman the rest of us see.

In the end its your choice and you will have to live with the consequences of whatever choice you make.

Good luck!

(Stepping of soapbox and stops channeling Dr. Phil)

Man, where is the blushing icon?? You guys are so great - if I were fishing for compliments, this place would be like the coast of Newfoundland when Cabot first arrived in 1497!

The bike - that is actually not my bike, but a rental, and that was one brutal ride: 300 metres in 3 kilometres, and we completed an 80 km circuit. My real bike is a road bike, an ancient 12 speed. I started biking with a local club in the spring, and like SCUBA, it has been a great confidence builder. I haven't felt so strong and energetic since I was in university (when I used to bike and run a lot). I highly recommend exercise for anyone who feels low!

Nothing has explained my panic yet - I am thinking I felt this person was getting too close, too fast, and I didn't know how or where to draw a line. Wanted to draw a line, not shut a gate . . . .

 

[SeaJay]

I think I am shallower than that:

Wow... That's impressive - nice to see brutal, striking honesty.

The flip side is that with that much in-your-face reality going on, I have a feeling that you're a very real person... Which is an enormous value. You need to heed the compliments here and go get your man.

Actually, after reading the last few comments here - and let me be equally brutally, strikingly honest - you need to cut it out, forget whatever the heck is bothering you, and go get your man.

Period.

You know, come to think about it, I think that's my favorite thing about my girl - she goes for it, whether she's afraid or not.

...How could I possibly resist?

Drop your fears - love like you've never been hurt.

 

[scbababe]

You are right in much of what you say here - part of the reason I posted was I was wondering if anyone post-breakup had a similar experience. The whole thing made me question what my values around relationships and attraction really are. Also, are they valid? Do they really work for me, in getting my real needs for intimacy met, or do they just keep me in an illusory state of safety or control?? I am thinking the fear I felt, might be connected to a loss of control - people who have been abused/controlled have big control issues. I have let go of my control issues in every aspect of my life except this one - I think I had the fear that this person could . . . get past my defenses, and control me. It is a trust thing. Yikes!! I don't have this fear in my friendship relationships anymore, but looks as if I still have it where men are concerned.Oh, my goodness, the next guy I get involved with is going to have his work cut out for him.

Hey girl, sounds like you've been thru alot. However, it sounds like you're doing pretty good, considering what you've been thru. Kudos!. As to validating your sense of control in relationships and or intimacy that will come with time and practice, lol (enjoy it!). Once you've been in an abusive relationship one tends to question one's own judgements. For example; it sounds like you've taken control of your life. Having control is very important because it means that you have the confidence to take charge! You're not alone, it's only human to guard with passion that which has been taken from you..In this case it was your trust and your sense of having control.. When any of us goes thru a break up these are the things that happen. As to the next guy in your life.. If he doesn't value what you've been thru and admires you for it, he's not for you!... Most good men appreciate ladies like your self, your strength and noticable independence. You have valid reasons for the choices you make and these have made you who you are today. It sounds to me like you have many admirers here. You must be doing something right!
It is a process, just be patient and continue to do what you like and Mr. right will come to you!

 

[Nehallenia]

Wow... That's impressive - nice to see brutal, striking honesty.

The flip side is that with that much in-your-face reality going on, I have a feeling that you're a very real person... Which is an enormous value. You need to heed the compliments here and go get your man.

Actually, after reading the last few comments here - and let me be equally brutally, strikingly honest - you need to cut it out, forget whatever the heck is bothering you, and go get your man.
.

Honesty: well, sometimes you just gotta ask yourself the not-nice questions . . . .

I try to be a real person; sometimes I am TOO real for some people!

It is not that easy to forget what is bothering me, but I do need to get past it. I am not entirely sure I WANT this man, but there certainly are things about him that struck serious chords or nerves with me. And my defensiveness may prevent even a friendship from developing, which would be my loss. Hmmmm.

 

[Nehallenia]

[/b]

Hey girl, sounds like you've been thru alot. However, it sounds like you're doing pretty good, considering what you've been thru. Kudos!. As to validating your sense of control in relationships and or intimacy that will come with time and practice, lol (enjoy it!). Once you've been in an abusive relationship one tends to question one's own judgements. For example; it sounds like you've taken control of your life. Having control is very important because it means that you have the confidence to take charge! You're not alone, it's only human to guard with passion that which has been taken from you..In this case it was your trust and your sense of having control.. When any of us goes thru a break up these are the things that happen. As to the next guy in your life.. If he doesn't value what you've been thru and admires you for it, he's not for you!... Most good men appreciate ladies like your self, your strength and noticable independence. You have valid reasons for the choices you make and these have made you who you are today. It sounds to me like you have many admirers here. You must be doing something right!
It is a process, just be patient and continue to do what you like and Mr. right will come to you!

Thanks for your insights and all that precious validation, scbababe! I have been carrying a huge stressload, something I hadn't realized until lately. One of my problems here was the immense relief of letting someone take care of some of the things that were causing stress . . . felt like a loss of control, a loss of independence, a loss of the right to say "no". That is because in the past, allowing someone to help meant those things.

I love how you put that: "you will guard with passion those things that have been taken from you". It is so true! I also guard my children with passion, since they have been hurt too.

Sheryl Crow wrote a song "Strong Enough" - I can identify with that! I hope you are correct about Mr. Right!

 

[Mako Mark]

Nehallenia, PUT DOWN YOUR KNITTING AND GET OUT OF THE ROCKER ON THE PORCH.

what, are you kidding me, you have got to be one of the smartest funniest most sensitive people that I have met on the SB, and for me that is a far greater attraction than a set of silicone boobs.

The point in fact is that I am now in a relationship with a lady that I basically met on line. We had become firm friends well before we got to know eachother in person. There is nothing wrong with physical attraction, but in a relationship, it is a bonus not a driving force.

1000 miles is just a keystroke away! Make friends with the guy, after that, when you meet again in person, if it is going to happen it will happen, if not, well you made a friend online. you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.