Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[Cerebral_Origami]

What is a woman?

A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, invincible...

OH, wait... I'm thinking of vodka. Never mind.

I thought you were thinking of a dog!

 

[Deefstes]

I thought you were thinking of a dog!

Let me get this straight, your dog enables you to give in to your most intimate desires and makes you feel sexy and seductive?

 

[ScubaSteve]

 

[SolarStorm]

A Woman was out snorkling one day and came accross a talking lobster stuck in a trap.

The lobster said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.'

The woman freed the lobster, and the lobster said, 'Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!'

The woman said, 'That's okay.'

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The lobster warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to.'

The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me.'

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The lobster said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.'

The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.'

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The lobster then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a mild heart attack.'

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.



Male readers :
Please scroll down.






The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.

Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen...

 

[Jax]

A Jack Daniels Fishing Story

I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.
.
.
.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.

Life is good in the South.

 

[WOODMAN]

A Jack Daniels Fishing Story

I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.
.
.
.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.

Life is good in the South.

I first heard this story from a tour guide in Australia up in the Daintree rainforest about 10 years ago. It was part of an oral poem that he recited to me, and he told me it was an old Australian folk poem. This brought back a lot of good memories. He also told me a story about a tour guide who found an aborigine lying in the middle of a backcountry highway with his ear to the ground, and I believe I posted that one here a ways back. It should show up if you search for it. Ahh, Australian humor. Thanks for the memories. Woody

 

[Cave Diver]

A dive boat runs into a terrible storm.

Rain and wind and huge waves pound the boat.

The divers are quiet but really scared.

They are sure the boat is going to sink and they are all going to die.

At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims: "I can't take this anymore! I can't just sit here and drown like an animal. If I am going to die, let me die feeling like a woman.

Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

One of the dive masters stands up – a tall, handsome, muscular man, he smiles and starts to walk up to her.

As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt. She sees his huge muscles – already, she is glad for her decision.

He stands in front of her, muscles bulging, shirt in hand and says to her:
here, Iron this!"

 

[pidgiepoo]

The Penis Study


> In 1997, Harvard funded a study to see why the head of a penis was bigger
> than the rest of it. After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the
> reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure
> during sex.
>
>
>
> After the U.S. Published the study, Italy decided to do their own. After
> $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to
> give the woman more pleasure during sex.
>
>
>
> Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2
> weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man
> s hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

 

[Cerebral_Origami]

Let me get this straight, your dog enables you to give in to your most intimate desires and makes you feel sexy and seductive?

I missed that line!

 

[Cerebral_Origami]

A Woman was out snorkling one day and came accross a talking lobster stuck in a trap.

The lobster said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.'

...

A talking lobster - I'm pretty sure that's fairly strong indication you're narcked!