Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[SolarStorm]

SCHOOL BUS IN JAPAN

SCHOOL BUS IN INDIA

But where did you call when you have a technical problem with your computer? Japan or India ?

 

[dmoore19]

The $50 Lesson >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> I recently asked my friends' little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President of the United States. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there. So I asked her, "If you were President, what would be the first thing you would do?" She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.." Her parents beamed. "Wow...what a worthy goal," I told her. "But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my driveway, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house." She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?" I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party." Her parents still aren't speaking to me.

 

[sctom]

Well, I lost the Trivia Contest at Lutz Country Club

and Discount Tire Center last night by 1 point.



Not only got the last question wrong, but was immediately

asked to leave.



The question was: "Where do women have the curliest hair?"



Apparently the correct answer is Fiji.

 

[santafejoe]

AAADD
KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....PLEASE READ!

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
Somehow I feel better, even though I have it! !

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,
Put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
And notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back
On the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think,
Since I'm going to be near the mailbox
When I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,
And see that there is only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
So I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking

I'm going to look for my checks,
But first I need to push the Pepsi aside
So that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm,
And I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
A vase of flowers on the counter
Catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and
Discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk,
But first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter,
Fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
But I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
But first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,
But quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,
Get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to
Remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
The car isn't washed
The bills aren't paid
There is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter
The flowers don't have enough water,
There is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day,
And I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,
And I'll try to get some help for it,
But first I'll check my e-mail...

Do me a favor.
Forward this message to everyone you know,
Because I won't remember who the hell I've sent it to.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming

 

[sctom]

HOT & COLD SEX


After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man: 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'
'In fact, I do,' said the old man. 'After I have sex I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty.'
After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: 'everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?'
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her: ‘your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?'

"Oh that crazy old fart,’ she replied. 'That's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August.

 

[Rhone Man]

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************

On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************

On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
**************************

On a Church's Bill board:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
**************************

At a Tyre Store
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************

In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************

At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************

On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************

On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
**************************

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
**************************

Outside a Car Exhaust Store:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************

In a Vets waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."
**************************

On the door of a Music Shop
"Bach soon. Offenbach sooner"

**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************

And don't forget the sign at a RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
**************************

Sign on the back of yet another Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"
**************************

 

[pidgiepoo]

I'd just come out of a SuperMarket with a roasted chicken, french fries, large chips and a 12 pack of beer.



A poor homeless man sat on the curb and said to me as I passed by, 'I've not eaten for two days.'



I told him, 'I wish I had your f***ing will power'.

 

[ScubaSteve]

These were great. I especially liked the ones I quoted but I almost introced my coffee to my computer when I read the last one.

On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************




At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************




On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
**************************




In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************




Sign on the back of yet another Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"
**************************

 

[Ed L.]

A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure the nurse comes in and take his vitals, then tells him to take all of his clothes off. When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the table. The man obeys. The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and climbs on top and has her way with him.

Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks what that was all about. The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that the vasec is easier for the surgeon to locate and sever.

The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room. While they are going down the hall the patient sees six men in a room masturbating. Curious, the man asks "What are they doing in there"?

The nurse responds, "They are getting vasectomies too, but
you have Blue Cross and they have Obama Care."

 

[Ed L.]

Barack Obama met with the Queen of England. He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, my Queen?"

The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, Tony, your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.

Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice president the same question. "Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one..." He went to his advisors and asked every one, but none could give him an answer. Finally, he ended up in the men's room and recognized Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.

Biden asked Powell, "Colin, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Colin Powell yelled back, "That's easy, it's me!"

Biden smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Then, he went back to speak with Obama. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell!"

Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face, "No! you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

AND THAT MY FRIENDS IS PRECISELY WHAT'S GOING ON WITH OUR FEDERAL GOVERNMENT IN WASHINGTON D.C.