What would Dear Abbie say?

[AllenG]

In a thread on the travel section ("Diving, oh yeah, and wedding"), ScubaJae wrote:

Does anyone know where the best place to get married
and go diving is? I was thinking about Tahiti, Turks or
Belize my future wife is not a diver but doesn't mind if
I go as long as she can sit on a beach.

Always helpful, many readers offered suggestions regarding different places for this wedding/honeymoon adventure. I, however, wondered if there wasn't a different issue that begged to be considered first.

ScubaJae said that his non-diving finance did not mind if his diving so long as she could sit on a beach. Now, mind you, psychologists are prone to spout off platitudes re the importance of "pursuing both individual and joint interests in order to promote the growth of the individual as the marital union itself develops" and the words are certainly not without some element of truth.

But, this thing called a honeymoon is not "just a trip" or "a vacation." Spouses have this curious habit of seeing a honeymoon in terms of things they do together, not apart (and, no, I'm not talking about bountifully libidinous activities), and as some sort of symbolic indicator of their bliss TOGETHER.

I would posit that if ScubaJae spends any significant amount of time during his honeymoon absorbing nitrogen, he would likely be sowing the seeds of resentment that may come home to haunt him and his marriage when, long after the honeymoon, he wants to go off diving and his wife wants to do something else ("you always selfishly put your interests ahead of us. Why, even when we went on our honeymoon, you were to busy with your diving to even spend the time with me . . . . ")

And so now I wonder what others think:
- Should ScubaJae leave his regulator and BC at home when he and his non-diving wife go on their honeymoon?

- Is this one of those situations when, even if the wife says it's okay, it isn't okay and the wife only said it was okay because she assumed that her husband had enough brains to know that it couldn't possibly be okay?

- Will ScubaJae be needing a divorce lawyer when he returns from the honeymoon?

- Should the honeymoon use of neoprene be restricted to the bedroom fetishes?

Okay all you "Dear Abbie" types. Here's your chance to shine!

 

[Tim Ingersoll]

Thirteen years of marriage to a non-diver has taught me the following:
1. No more than three two-tank morning dives for the week.
2. Wife should be offered and encouraged to accompany as a bubblewatcher/snorkeler/suntanner.
3. Husband should purchase spa package for wife and husband or engage in some other activity that wife would enjoy more than husband. This should be brought up separately and not as a tit for tat sort of trade-off
4. Husband must discuss all of the above with Wife prior to booking. Conversation must not be phrased as asking/begging for permission. Must be a "what do you think?" sort of discussion.
5. Husband must be prepared to abandon whole idea if Wife is cool to the plan. Often the offer to abandon the diving is what is expected not to actually abandon the diving. Focus is on the couple not the individual. A honeymoon is a honeymoon.

 

[ckharlan66]

I would have to think that the diving might be better saved for another trip. It could be bad for his health. But I am single so my opinion isn't based on experience.

Chad

 

[Jersey]

Allen: I fear you are reading too much into this post. I took SJ "oh yeah & wedding" as tongue in cheek.

Even on "The Honeymoon" time apart could be construed as allowing the individuals to develop separate identities. I see couples all the time spending WAY too much time & energy on "The Wedding" & "The Honeymoon" & giving no thought to "The Future" - the day the honeymoon is over. It ain't DisneyLand! I would posit that if SJ is indeed sowing seeds of resentment, they have basic communication issues. Support your local social worker or psychologist. Forget about this "well he should know that while I SAID yes, I really meant he should sell all the gear & never mention diving again." Say what you mean and mean what you say.

So SJ - pack your BC and regs. Suggest she hit the massage table during your dives. Arrange to have flowers or breakfast sent to her whilst you are gone. Attach a loving note thanking her for letting you dive & suggesting afternoon/evening activities. Limit your diving to agreed days.

Will he need a divorce lawyer? Only time will tell. But if he does, the real issue is not the diving, but control & power in the relationship.

And yes, I used to counsel. And yes, I am married. And neoprene in the bedroom, hummmm, you're giving me ideas!

 

[wetman]

How old are these two getting married? I would suggest that honeymoons and marriage in general may be different now than it was even 20 years ago. I'm in the lower 30s now, and most of my friends are as well - i don't think anyone in my peer group thinks they're in any rush to tie the knot - and once they do they've typically been living together for a long time already so whats another week together in a different local... The people i know that have taken honeymoons (and its certainly not all that have gotten married) don't seem to think its much more than a vacation now.

steve.

 

[FredT]

Marraige as planned is to the wrong woman!

The lady should dive, or at least be trained to dive, or the long term relationships is in danger from the get-go. Alternately the intended husband should sell his dive gear and take up gardening.

There is a big difference in "tolerating diving" and fully understanding what clear water and a light offshore breeze means to any previously made plans. FAC and clear water takes priority over almost anything else.

FT

 

[Giggi]

On our first date, my now-husband laid out the rules to me: "Don't mess with my beer, and don't mess with my football." Fast forward to 2002. If tonight were our first date, I think I would say to him, "Don't mess with my diving." At that time, I absolutely hated football. Now I will even sit and watch a game or two with him, although football has been replaced by paintball, and it's my diabolical plot to replace paintball with diving.

Don't discount a future relationship based on one person's obsession/addiction to a certain life...er... I mean time consuming hobby. She may even join in and learn to like it (how can anyone NOT like diving??) once she realizes she may get to spend quality time with the hubby (although I never did seem to understand the thrill of being shot at by 65mm brittle balls of mineral oil and paint which leave target shaped, hickey like bruises).

 

[Big-t-2538]

On my honeymoon, I want to do things that are relaxing and enjoyable to me....does that mean diving...yes. So how do you convince your wife to go along with the idea if she isn't a diver? Tell her that the honemoon is about having fun and relaxing...doing what you want to do...while spending as much time together as possible. I would suggest limiting your dive to no more than 40 minutes and I would dive a gorgeous reef, take pictures and bring tham back to her...while I am diving, she can go shopping or tanning, or whatever....she can have her time, and I can have mine.

 

[MgicTwnger]

As long as my wife has a beach, a book, and cab fare to the shopping district, all goes well. Then again, this is wife #3. Must be a lesson in here somewhere. :1st:

 

[wrongkey]

ScubaJae might as well get her trained correctly right from the start.

"Me, Diver. You, deal with it. Me dive a lot. Me not change."

Or words to that effect.

Betcha she has an item or two on her own list she feels the same way about. Giggi's got the right idea.

She'll have plenty of chances to make his life miserable after the Honeymoon without making him leave his regulator at home. [Now donning my asbestos undershorts in defense of those perhaps not amused by the last comment.]