"...we'll laugh at you and you'll look like a dork." - the Split
- Thread starter Robert Phillips
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Listen, I know you're king shiat at the local quarry, but thinking you're gonna roll into SoCal and not get mowed in the surf is just ignorant. What we do here is pretty specialized. Come on over with all yo' still water skeels and stories of your cold water exploits. Bring it, hayseed. Snicker at our bone cracking 50 degree water all you want, gravel digger. We'll be the ones at your side when a mighty 2 footer (that you'll later tell your hole-in-the-ground buddies was a 6 footer) sends you barrell rolling sand-water-sky sand-water-sky sand-water-sky. When you come up huffing and wide-eyed, after we pick you up out of the shin-deep foam, we'll all laugh at you and you'll look like a dork.
You there, pasty speedo wetsuit guy. Mix in a beach towel, for heaven's sake. This is SoCal - we don't wear grape smugglers here. We wear trunks or board shorts when we dive wet. Take that hip hankey back to San Tropez, Sven. If you unzip that wetsuit and all that separates me from you and the twins is a quivering spandex triangle, we're all gonna laugh at you and you'll look like a dork.
Post dive Yoke valve dryer - you know who you are. Our Shore dives are usually in residential areas. We like it quiet here. When you crack your valve and give your Yoke cap a 102 db hissy-fit, its not fresh. That loud blast of rushing air is telling the world you're not a local, and you're just plain inconsiderate. Wait until you get home to blow dry your stuff, or we'll all laugh at you and you'll look like a dork.
Mr Post Dive Snotvalanche - you know who you are, custard boy. Feel free to mix in a sub-surface post-dive blast to clear those torpedo tubes. I don't need to be at the dive site when you come up 5 minutes removed from your dive, dripping wet to look over and have you give me the nasail appraisal. If you haven't figured out how to get that egg off your face, we'll all laugh at you and you'll look like a dork.
Yo - missy dive boat shower taker. I got that you wanna hit the docks smelling as April fresh as you was when you boarded a few hours ago, dear, but feel free to not soak everything in the boat's only working head with your body wash and cream rinse, honey. Nothing is worse on a hot day, darling, than to walk into the boat's head and get blasted by your post-shower sauna. The one roll of TP that is left is now disintegrating into a blob of Redding Moisturizer and the toilet seat is covered with your Bath and Body Works Raspberry goo. Sweetheart, if you gotta come off a one day dive boat smelling prettier than you did when you boarded, tell Romeo who's waiting for your return that we're all gonna laugh at you and you'll look like a dork.
Daddy day care - listen up. If you gotta bring your rug rats onto the dive boat for a day on the water so Mommy can have a day off, I'm down. But here's a tip: Bring the hot sitter, too. I don't need your fat offspring dashing around the boat with their little Popeye PFDs like they're at Marineland or something. Some of us are Child-free by design, and others I know leave their kids to take a break and come do this - for you to roll on with Daddy's little angels is bogus, and you need to be slapped. Unless you bring the hot sitter - then its OK. But if you bring your kids on the boat and they're by themselves just running around the place, I'm gonna send them snorkling in the camera rinse, and we'll all laugh at you and you'll look like a dork.
Mr Belligerent Wet Suit guy - you there pretending to not be shivering on the SI. Not those of you who are at peace with diving wet. I mean you there, Mr "Dry Suits are for Sissys" guy. You can poke fun at us SoCal Dry Suit divers all you want. 'sall good. We were all wet once, too. But to get all agro and flex your chicken-skin covered muscles like being cold is something cool and macho, well it just shows you're still in brain freeze, Icy ice. Here's the truth: You're not as comfortable or as safe as you can be. You're doing shorter dives because you use a smaller tank, and by the 4th dive of the day your shriveled stones are looking for a reason to hit the rack. You don't do half the night dives you could because slimey the wetsuit is no longer your friend. You dive shallow, you dive short dives, and you shiver on the SI. We're in our poofy drysuits - warm, confortable, safe and ready to dive again. You're in the galley wrapped in a towel, Baskin Robbins... very fresh. Take your blocky hands off the spear gun, Ben and Jerry's. Remember why you started diving in the first place: for max bottom time. Don't deny the dry cuz you'll regret the wet (attn: DUI, call me if you want to buy that line...
I'll cut you a sweet deal...) Memo to you, Hagan Daaz: Blast us DS divers all you want, but by dive five of the day your chattering teeth and blue nails will have us all laughing at you and you'll look like a dork.
I'm done for tonight.
---
Ken
PS: This thread is a SoCal thing. If you're from outta town and got something to add, don't come in soft. Bring it. Own it. If you got it, show us.. it it's solid, I'll friggen cheer. BUT - if you're wave isn't gonna curl, but just gonna hit the sand all flacid and weak, its better to just watch the fun. Honestly. Watching the fun is OK. Cuz if you come in limp, we're all gonna laugh at you and you'll look like a dork.
You there, pasty speedo wetsuit guy. Mix in a beach towel, for heaven's sake. This is SoCal - we don't wear grape smugglers here. We wear trunks or board shorts when we dive wet. Take that hip hankey back to San Tropez, Sven. If you unzip that wetsuit and all that separates me from you and the twins is a quivering spandex triangle, we're all gonna laugh at you and you'll look like a dork.
Post dive Yoke valve dryer - you know who you are. Our Shore dives are usually in residential areas. We like it quiet here. When you crack your valve and give your Yoke cap a 102 db hissy-fit, its not fresh. That loud blast of rushing air is telling the world you're not a local, and you're just plain inconsiderate. Wait until you get home to blow dry your stuff, or we'll all laugh at you and you'll look like a dork.
Mr Post Dive Snotvalanche - you know who you are, custard boy. Feel free to mix in a sub-surface post-dive blast to clear those torpedo tubes. I don't need to be at the dive site when you come up 5 minutes removed from your dive, dripping wet to look over and have you give me the nasail appraisal. If you haven't figured out how to get that egg off your face, we'll all laugh at you and you'll look like a dork.
Yo - missy dive boat shower taker. I got that you wanna hit the docks smelling as April fresh as you was when you boarded a few hours ago, dear, but feel free to not soak everything in the boat's only working head with your body wash and cream rinse, honey. Nothing is worse on a hot day, darling, than to walk into the boat's head and get blasted by your post-shower sauna. The one roll of TP that is left is now disintegrating into a blob of Redding Moisturizer and the toilet seat is covered with your Bath and Body Works Raspberry goo. Sweetheart, if you gotta come off a one day dive boat smelling prettier than you did when you boarded, tell Romeo who's waiting for your return that we're all gonna laugh at you and you'll look like a dork.
Daddy day care - listen up. If you gotta bring your rug rats onto the dive boat for a day on the water so Mommy can have a day off, I'm down. But here's a tip: Bring the hot sitter, too. I don't need your fat offspring dashing around the boat with their little Popeye PFDs like they're at Marineland or something. Some of us are Child-free by design, and others I know leave their kids to take a break and come do this - for you to roll on with Daddy's little angels is bogus, and you need to be slapped. Unless you bring the hot sitter - then its OK. But if you bring your kids on the boat and they're by themselves just running around the place, I'm gonna send them snorkling in the camera rinse, and we'll all laugh at you and you'll look like a dork.
Mr Belligerent Wet Suit guy - you there pretending to not be shivering on the SI. Not those of you who are at peace with diving wet. I mean you there, Mr "Dry Suits are for Sissys" guy. You can poke fun at us SoCal Dry Suit divers all you want. 'sall good. We were all wet once, too. But to get all agro and flex your chicken-skin covered muscles like being cold is something cool and macho, well it just shows you're still in brain freeze, Icy ice. Here's the truth: You're not as comfortable or as safe as you can be. You're doing shorter dives because you use a smaller tank, and by the 4th dive of the day your shriveled stones are looking for a reason to hit the rack. You don't do half the night dives you could because slimey the wetsuit is no longer your friend. You dive shallow, you dive short dives, and you shiver on the SI. We're in our poofy drysuits - warm, confortable, safe and ready to dive again. You're in the galley wrapped in a towel, Baskin Robbins... very fresh. Take your blocky hands off the spear gun, Ben and Jerry's. Remember why you started diving in the first place: for max bottom time. Don't deny the dry cuz you'll regret the wet (attn: DUI, call me if you want to buy that line...
I'll cut you a sweet deal...) Memo to you, Hagan Daaz: Blast us DS divers all you want, but by dive five of the day your chattering teeth and blue nails will have us all laughing at you and you'll look like a dork. I'm done for tonight.
---
Ken
PS: This thread is a SoCal thing. If you're from outta town and got something to add, don't come in soft. Bring it. Own it. If you got it, show us.. it it's solid, I'll friggen cheer. BUT - if you're wave isn't gonna curl, but just gonna hit the sand all flacid and weak, its better to just watch the fun. Honestly. Watching the fun is OK. Cuz if you come in limp, we're all gonna laugh at you and you'll look like a dork.
This is starting to sound like those beer commercials from a few years ago that start with, "We salute you Mr. ......"
You guys are crackin' me up!
Christian
You guys are crackin' me up!
Christian
This thread is fun...
This has been done but I couldn´t stop myself...
Mr. Wetsuit Guy. I know all those PADI videos had hot babes in wetsuits but the fact that your instructor was diving dry should have clued you in. You bought the instructors octo-holder, air2, pink dangly and pony but the DRYSUIT seemed like a bad idea?! Guess what? Our water is colder than your fridge and "semi-dry" is sales-speak for wet. When you need to add boiling water to your exposure protection between dives we´re all gonna laugh at you and call you a dork.
Mr. Carribean busybody divemaster. If you´ve been diving here since before Columbus ruined the neigbourhood (your wetsuit looks the part too) why are you still afraid to leave the company of other boats? Spending more time ogling and talking to the women on the boat than on your briefing makes you look more like"johnny english" than "james bond". Our DMs have the sense to stay on the boat unless asked to dive, take note. If it´s really important to "stay together" then there had better be an invisible shark chasing you to explain your warp-speed finning. If you do all of these things while placing silly limits on our divetime we´re gonna laugh at you and call you a dork when you ask for tips.
This has been done but I couldn´t stop myself...
Mr. Wetsuit Guy. I know all those PADI videos had hot babes in wetsuits but the fact that your instructor was diving dry should have clued you in. You bought the instructors octo-holder, air2, pink dangly and pony but the DRYSUIT seemed like a bad idea?! Guess what? Our water is colder than your fridge and "semi-dry" is sales-speak for wet. When you need to add boiling water to your exposure protection between dives we´re all gonna laugh at you and call you a dork.
Mr. Carribean busybody divemaster. If you´ve been diving here since before Columbus ruined the neigbourhood (your wetsuit looks the part too) why are you still afraid to leave the company of other boats? Spending more time ogling and talking to the women on the boat than on your briefing makes you look more like"johnny english" than "james bond". Our DMs have the sense to stay on the boat unless asked to dive, take note. If it´s really important to "stay together" then there had better be an invisible shark chasing you to explain your warp-speed finning. If you do all of these things while placing silly limits on our divetime we´re gonna laugh at you and call you a dork when you ask for tips.
OP
Robert Phillips
Contributor
Mo2vation:Mr Belligerent Wet Suit guy - you there pretending to not be shivering on the SI. Not those of you who are at peace with diving wet. I mean you there, Mr "Dry Suits are for Sissys" guy. You can poke fun at us SoCal Dry Suit divers all you want. 'sall good. We were all wet once, too. But to get all agro and flex your chicken-skin covered muscles like being cold is something cool and macho, well it just shows you're still in brain freeze, Icy ice. Here's the truth: You're not as comfortable or as safe as you can be. You're doing shorter dives because you use a smaller tank, and by the 4th dive of the day your shriveled stones are looking for a reason to hit the rack. You don't do half the night dives you could because slimey the wetsuit is no longer your friend. You dive shallow, you dive short dives, and you shiver on the SI. We're in our poofy drysuits - warm, confortable, safe and ready to dive again. You're in the galley wrapped in a towel, Baskin Robbins... very fresh. Take your blocky hands off the spear gun, Ben and Jerry's. Remember why you started diving in the first place: for max bottom time. Don't deny the dry cuz you'll regret the wet (attn: DUI, call me if you want to buy that line...
I'm done for tonight.
---
Ken
PS: This thread is a SoCal thing. If you're from outta town and got something to add, don't come in soft. Bring it. Own it. If you got it, show us.. it it's solid, I'll friggen cheer. BUT - if you're wave isn't gonna curl, but just gonna hit the sand all flacid and weak, its better to just watch the fun. Honestly. Watching the fun is OK. Cuz if you come in limp, we're all gonna laugh at you and you'll look like a dork.
Thanks for putting this so much more eloquently than I could have!
I'm with Christian, this sounds like a Bud Light "Real Men of Genius" Commercial.
In the voice of that Rocky movie band guy from Survivor (the band not the TV show)
Mr belligent wetsuit diver guy
We salute you Mr Belligerent wetsuit diver guy
Who else can think that he can hide being cold while everybody else knows his stones are the size of raisins after dive three
(Survivor guy sings) I can't find my stones now...
I'd write more but I need to get ready for work.
And Ken's is right, if you can't bring it (which is more than a few of you non-SoCals and a few of you Californians) then we are already laughing at you and you look like dorks.
And no one has actually called anyone a dork, we said you would look like one!
BITE ME
Registered
thanks for making my morning better!!!
BMCG
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Is there a thread Hall of Fame?
This one gets my nomination
This one gets my nomination
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