The one thing I cannot seem to get: Equalizing

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You can practice on land using otovent. There are tons of exercises and instructive videos online like this one:
I'll take a look later, I found a freediver youtube channel (AdamFreediver) but he didn't quite simplify voluntary tube opening well enough for me. My eureka moment with Valsalva was when someone online on a forum said "think of it as blowing your nose gently."
 
You can practice on land using otovent. There are tons of exercises and instructive videos online like this one:
These excercises are fun and very useful for getting control of the "valves" inside your skull (the soft palate, separating nose and mouth, and the epiglottis, separating lungs from mouth).
But regarding equalization, these exercises are only useful for practicing Valsalva, which is by far the worst and most dangerous equalization technique, and which did already proof of not working for you.
Better not insisting with Valsalva and try the other methods. Had you a look at the DAN link posted above?
 
These excercises are fun and very useful for getting control of the "valves" inside your skull (the soft palate, separating nose and mouth, and the epiglottis, separating lungs from mouth).
But regarding equalization, these exercises are only useful for practicing Valsalva, which is by far the worst and most dangerous equalization technique, and which did already proof of not working for you.
Better not insisting with Valsalva and try the other methods. Had you a look at the DAN link posted above?
I have, but so far I've been unable to attempt any of the others successfully on land. One step is to know what they are, another is discovering how to execute them (which I have been unable to do). It will likely be a week or two before I hit the water again to try methods as I need to find some buddies in my area, so I have time to learn.

One of my old coworkers said he could just move his jaw around and the tubes would stay open, joking that he could descend to 60 ft in 1 minute. Is that voluntary tubal opening?
 
I have, but so far I've been unable to attempt any of the others successfully on land. One step is to know what they are, another is discovering how to execute them (which I have been unable to do). It will likely be a week or two before I hit the water again to try methods as I need to find some buddies in my area, so I have time to learn.

One of my old coworkers said he could just move his jaw around and the tubes would stay open, joking that he could descend to 60 ft in 1 minute. Is that voluntary tubal opening?
I can feel when my Eustachian tubes are opening, well technically I can feel it mostly in my left ear, my right ear is harder to equalise …

Can you feel them opening when you yawn?
 
One of my old coworkers said he could just move his jaw around and the tubes would stay open, joking that he could descend to 60 ft in 1 minute. Is that voluntary tubal opening?
That is the second case I cited, people who open the tubes voluntarily, without the need of closing their nostrils, but associating the usage of the specific muscles to some other voluntary action (swallowing, moving the jaw, yawning, etc.).
True BTV does not require those parasitic actions, you just open the tubes acting directly on the specific muscles. But I understand that for people who cannot control them voluntarily, this appears almost impossible.
However, do not focus too much on BTV. That works for me, but not necessarily for you. There are at least other 4 or 5 techniques to test, excluding Valsalva, which in your case did already show to work poorly.
Regarding the speed for descending; at the open-water exam for becoming a 3-stars CMAS instructor, one of the tests I had to pass was the following "free diving" test:
- grab from the boat a 15 kg weight and swim to a depth of 15 meters in less than 10 seconds. Then leave the weight on the bottom (it was secured to a rope) and ascend to surface in less than other 20 s. The descent is very fast, thanks to the weight. Of course you need to equalize very efficiently for being able to descend so quickly.
One of the candidates at the exam did break one of his tympanic membranes attempting this test, and was of course rejected. Another candidate also had problem equalizing so fast, but she did not insist attempting to pass the exercise to the point of causing damage to her tympanic membranes, so she was not rejected, but invited to come back after one week for repeating the exam, after solving her equalization problems.
My girlfriend was also being examined the same day, and she had always equalization problems. For passing the exam, she had to resort to the most effective technique, which is Frenzel-Fattah (mouthfill) a technique which is usable only while freediving (the mouth cannot hold a mouthpiece while doing the mouthfill). So she passed the exam using that trick (which most other candidates did not know about).
Most instructors are not aware of these advanced techniques...
I am not really an expert of them. My girlfriend (now my wife) was the real expert, as she had initially severe equalization problems, so she had to consult a number of ENTs; she even evaluated tube dilation surgery, and finally solved her problems learning to use Frenzel (for freediving), Frenzel-Fattah (for quick free diving, as in the example above) and Marcante-Odaglia (for scuba diving, Frenzel and Frenzel-Fattah require the mouth to be closed, so they are not usable when scuba diving, or better, they can be used, but they require to remove the regulator from your mouth while equalizing, which is unpractical, as the other hand is already being used for closing the nostrils).
My girlfriend was totally unable to use BTV...
 
Angelo brings up a very good point, in that some techniques are impossible to do with a regulator in your mouth. Others are possible, but you may find them initially more difficult doing them with a regulator in your mouth as opposed to just practicing on land without one. So my suggestion would be to practice several of them with a regulator - or a snorkel - mouthpiece in your mouth.
 
on descent, I equalize on every breath. Inhale, equalize, exhale, repeat. The more you equalize the easier it is to do and the less "force" required. Nowadays I can mostly just descent without even really thinking about it, kind of happens automatically.
 
I'm sure it is not difficult at all, but I just am finding a way to make it so...
I'm not sure if this will make you feel better or worse, but people vary significantly in how easily they can equalize. I'm pretty sure it's anatomical, not intellectual. You've gotten a lot of good advice here, and I'm optimistic you'll find a way that works for you. Just try not to beat yourself up for struggling more than others.
 
These excercises are fun and very useful for getting control of the "valves" inside your skull (the soft palate, separating nose and mouth, and the epiglottis, separating lungs from mouth).
But regarding equalization, these exercises are only useful for practicing Valsalva, which is by far the worst and most dangerous equalization technique, and which did already proof of not working for you.
Better not insisting with Valsalva and try the other methods. Had you a look at the DAN link posted above?
It is not valsalva only. Perhaps you did not watch all the exercises; #6 is t- and 7 is k- , these are frenzel exercises. As you notice, her mouth is open during demonstration, if you can achieve such control, whether you hold a regulator in mouth will not make a difference, perhaps with a little extra practice.
Our eating breathing habits from early in life have effect on how we can control our glottis or soft palate, some people snort when laughing due not being able to control soft palate. Depending on what you got used to, you will have to re-learn use of those muscles. Some people learn it with a tip in an instant euroka moment, the others will have to isolate each and do targeted exercises.
 
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