Stun Gun

[Tamas]

Stun gun ....... ONLY A GUY WOULD DO THIS.
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol &Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,. right?!!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh &blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!@*!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-GUN.. that hurt like the devil!!!!A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Still in shock,
Tommy

 

[Diver Dennis]

That's gonna leave a mark...

 

[Snowbear]

I've seen it before, but it still makes me laugh

 

[Fly N Dive]

hahaha thats great!

 

[ONESPEED]

:wallywink

It's funny because it didn't happen to me.

 

[subaquaman]

:lol3::rofl::rofl2:
that's hilarious!

 

[Supernal]

Reminds me of the time my brother tried to recharge a car battery by putting the wires in a wall socket...

 

[RICHinNC]

Yea...smooth move Exlax.

Now try pouring hot wax down your sink and see what happens.

 

[DBailey]

I remember when my dad got his hands on a taser. Let me set the scene...

It was the late 80's. My dad is about 6'7" and 260 lbs. Yes, a big guy. I am still not sure how or why he got his hands on a taser. This particular model required a single 9 volt battery. Now my dad has worked on plenty of cars and has been shocked by any number of shorts in the car and such. So he should have know the potetnial power of a battery.

So dad loads the battery into the taser ahd hits the button. It made a very distinct cracking noise. Unlike the taser in the story above, you couldn't hold down the button for a longer brust. When you hit the button, it would arc, then it was done. Same arc every time. Maybe they learned from the guy's story above. I have to admit it drew me and my brothers to the dining room. Dad cracked it a couple more times just to get everyone's attention.

So here we are, mom is in the kitchen. Dad is in the chair at the head of the table and the three boys are sitting at our normal spots. The dog at this point was very interested in the activities in the kitchen.

After dad cracked it a couple more times, you could see what was going through his mind: "I need to test this on a live target" (much like the guy above). Growing up, I always thought my father loved the dog more than his own kids. Dad did start with the dog when reviewing his potential test subjects, but he merely glanced at the dog before turning to us boys. At the time, we were 17, 13 and 11 (me) repectively. I think my dad was trying to calculate if the younger ones would heal quicker, but the older was closer to being done growing. Needless to say, a veryy awkward silence developed in the dining room.

My mother must have sensed the silence because she broke the silence by saying, "You WILL NOT test that on the boys." My dad is smart enough not to argue with my mom. Sure he can win some fights when it is about the car or house, but my mom was the undisputed champion when it came to the boys. You could see the rejection on my dad's face, as he turned back to the dog. The timing was so perfect, I would have guessed the my mom was watching, but she was in the kitchen and couldn't see us because right when dad convinced himself to try it on the dog my mom said, "Not on the dog either". I think this was the only time that my dad lost to my mom concerning the dog. Most impressive showing by my mother.

At this point, my dad is left with two potential test subjects: mom and himself. My dad is a gentlemen and rather chivilarous, so there was no way he would try on my mom, but after the two quick earlier responses that she gave, I knew he was tempted.

Knowing that he had to test it on himself, we actually started discussing where on the body to try it. Obvious places like the head or neck were immediately out. We thought the chest, but the proximity to the heart might cause problems. There wasn't enough meat on the lower arms or lower legs so they were out. This left the upper arm, gut and thigh. Since we did discuss the heart, we thought the spot furthest from the heart would be best; therefore, it would be the thigh.

Dad scoots his chair away from the table and readies himself. Remember that my dad is 6'7" and about 260 lbs. He placed the taser on his thigh and pushed the button. We heard the by now familiar crack. If I didn't see it, I wouldn't believe it. It all happened so fast that it was over in about a second, but it replays through my mind in slow motion.

First we heard the crack from the taser. At which point, the "tasered" leg shot straight out. Obviously, it caused the thigh muscle (quad?) to contract. That was immediately followed by contractions of all the muscles in the hip, abdomen and the other leg. The net result of all of the contractions is that it catapulted my dad (6'7" 260 lbs) into the air. His chair was already tumbling toward the ktichen when he landed on the floor.

My dad always guarded his tongue when we boys were around. Outside of this incident, I could probably count on one hand the number of time I heard my dad swear. This swear session would rival Steve Martin's at the rental counter in "Planes, Trains and Automobiles" or the father's furnace rant in "The Christmas Story".

He was ok, and impressed with the power of the taser. My mother's only comment was "That is why I didn't want you to try it on the boys".

I dont' remember what ever happened to that taser, but I don't think it stayed in the house for long. Every Christmas when the family is gathered around the table for dinner, this stroy will inevitably come up. It is going on 20+ years.