seperate holidays?

[scubajenn81]

Hi,

Ok, this is my issue. This will be my 2nd Christmas with my husband, last year we went out to PA to spend it with his family, we decided that we would split holidays. I thought that meant one year at one family and the next year swap. He took it as Christmas at his place, other holidays at mine (mine is a lot closer). The issue is that we just discovered this mix up now. I have been telling my family that we would be there this year and he has done the same with his. I do not want to go to PA this year and he does not want to wait another 18 months to see his family again. Both families will be very upset if we chose the other side.

My husband suggested that we have our own Christmas before and then each go to our own families for a few days and then meet up again later in the week. I immediately said no, I want to spend it together, but now that I am thinking about it, I am not sure. Of course I want to spend it with him, but we split days all the time when we dated. We never had a holiday together then, our first was last year and I am capable of handing a few days apart.

My question is, would it look terrible to do this, would people assume we are going though issues (which we are defiantly not)? Going to PA at Thanksgiving/Easter is not possible so please do not suggest that. If he does not go at Christmas, he has to wait till next year.

My family is in MA (about a 1 hour dirve) and his is in PA (about 8 hours drive). All of his family is out there, his parents, sisters, nephews, grandparents, etc. I have not asked, but I am about 95% sure they would not come out here, plus, we have an apt so we can not fit that many people in one place at one time. We see my parents about one or two afternoons a month, with bdays, events, and it passing. We both are passionate about this issue and neither one wants to cave. If we do split this Christmas, what about next year, and then when kids come?

I am very torn. Thanks.
:shakehead

 

[Doc Intrepid]

..."We both are passionate about this issue and neither one wants to cave"...

Hmmmm. Living with anyone "'til death do you part" means, in part, getting over being passionate about any one given issue to the point that neither one wants to "cave".

There will be literally hundreds of similar mini-crises as you have babies and raise kids over the next twenty years or so. ('Which pair of grandparents get the kids first in the summer?' 'For how long?' etc...)

If you both get all escalated and entrenched on each crisis that comes along, ....life may get real interesting. Trust me on this one.

It might help if you don't think of it as "caving".

You're not 'caving' on your ideals, you're "working things through".

With respect to your present dilemma, given that you had a misunderstanding and told both sets of folks that you were coming, well...whip out the plastic. It's only September, you should still be able to set up plane tickets that will have you at both sets of parents homes during the ten days or so between December 24 and January 2.

(Hopefully you can work out which weekends you spend where without noisy recriminations and ballistic crockery... )

Then next year, and for hopefully many years thereafter, recognizing that holidays will continue to be an issue, you work it out in such a manner that both sides of the family can be supportive.

One thing that can help alot, especially after the kids come: hotel rooms. Rather than stay with either set of parents, have a place to retreat from the chaos. (The grandparents want some time with the kids anyway!)

It's generally all in how you look at it...

Best,

Doc

 

[Walter]

The bottom line is, if it works, it works. If you are both happy going to different places for Christmas, go ahead. If not, you need to work out a compromise. You would both obviously want to spend every Christmas together and with your own family. That cannot happen. One thing you can both do is try to build a relationship with your inlaws. Make your inlaws your family as well. Explain to both families the misunderstanding. If they can't understand, that's their problem, not yours. Also, you should each want to make the other happy. If you decide not to have separate Christmases there are a number of ways to decide the issue. In no particular order:

1. Go to MA, you went to PA last year.
2. Go to PA, you've been to MA for all the other holidays.
3. Flip a coin.
4. Stay home, it's unfair to choose one over the other when you've (unintentionally) been misleading them since last Christmas.

 

[Damselfish]

I can't imagine why someone would assume swapping meant every Christmas at one place, but whatever, things are already confused. Since everybody seems to have expectations this year you could do them separate, or probably better figure out a way to travel to both over the holidays. Or pick one if you must and you can agree, explain the confusion to the family and let them get over it, they will (or should.)

Some friends with kids and a similar situation, basically laid down the expectation that once they had kids they were planning on spending Christmas in their home with their kids, though they may visit other family some other time over the holidays. They wanted to do the tree at home and the whole works and have their kids grow up having that tradition instead of running around, seems reasonable. There's a lot to be said for avoiding the crazy travel days too, and not being committed to travel on certain days when the weather may suck.

(I've got in-laws 2 hours away and my family 5-6 hours away, we have "swapped" Thanksgiving and Christmas for 25 years. If we spend Christmas at one we usually try to get to the other one a bit after or sometime in Jan depending on weather and schedules, but no hard and fast rule.)

 

[Giggi]

If you start trying to please everyone this soon in the marriage, you're headed for disaster. Negotiate what "split" holidays means and stick to your guns, or prepare to be walked all over in what I like to call "In-Law Hell" for the next 20-50 years. YMMV

 

[scubawife]

Since your family is only an hour's drive away, how about going together to his family for Christmas and spending the New Year's weekend with your family? How he could think that you meant every year Xmas with his family, who knows. (Oh wait. He IS a guy. That pretty much explains it ) You might want to make it really clear BEFORE agreeing to anything that you are spending Christmas with his family every other year only.

Another option, depending on just how much family you have, is that they could come to your house and you could host the holiday. Your family is close enough that they don't need to stay over.

I somewhat lucked out on the holiday front since my family is Catholic and my husband's family is Jewish. Getting to my family involves plane travel or a 10 hr drive each way so we don't go every year for any holidays. Luckily they are fine with that. I'm the daughter without grandkids for them to spoil so they don't miss us quite as much.

 

[drbill]

I don't think any of us is really in a position to offer advice. This is a decision you and your husband should make between you. That's my humble opinion.

Of course my wife and I have taken separate vacations all our lives, and will continue to do so until we actually meet!

 

[fairybasslet]

This sounds like The Corrections to me. Like Doc says, once you have kids, it will become an even bigger issue. I'll never forget when my husband and I started dating, there were two family functions for the same weekend. We drove from NJ to Philly on Sat. for my family's thing (my cousin visiting from California) and then went to his parent's house on Sunday (a 20 minute drive from where we used to live) for the second day of their festivities. Do you know that my outlaws still were not satisfied with that arrangement. It was downhill ever after...

 

[almitywife]

My husband suggested that we have our own Christmas before and then each go to our own families for a few days and then meet up again later in the week.

HELL NO and immediately advise hubby that they cut the cord years ago and he's got to get with the program that he is married to YOU and now you and he are FAMILY

what about having a "our" christmas together and starting your own tradition... go away for a dive trip christmas and phone the families on the day - that way neither camp feels ommitted as they have both missed out.

seriously, if you start something now, its for good, i would be resentful if my hubby thought EVERY Christmas as his folks place was acceptable.

a lifetime together and feeling resentful about celebrating Christmas is very sad so set the ground rules now and good luck

 

[Charlie99]

My suggestion is that you contact a moderator and have the thread removed.

This is something for you and your husband to work out. What counts is your wishes and his wishes. Neither set of in-laws count. None of use on SB count.

My only observation is that, in general, guys are worse at maintaining family relationships. In addition, his family is further away and not as often visited by the two of you. I recommend that you think twice before discouraging his visit to his family.

In this case, you might be able to work in visits to both families --- a couple days in Mass, and then the two of you on down to PA.

However you do it, try to treat it as a joint problem that you want to solve jointly, not as something where one or the other of you end up "caving in".

Years from now, what will be important is not what specific answer you came up with, but whether or not you were able to solve the problem jointly.