Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[pidgiepoo]

I would like to share an experience with you. It has to do with drinking and driving.
>
> As you know some of us have had brushes with the authorities on our way home in recent months.
> Well I for one have done something about it.
>
>
>
> The other night I was out for a dinner and a few drinks - and having far too much vino, and knowing full well I was wasted, I did something I’ve never done before. I took a bus home. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, since I have never driven a bus before

 

[Rhone Man]

One day the United Nations decides to survey all of its member countries, and asks them to answer the following question: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world." Sadly, nobody was able to answer the question.

African countries did not know what "food" meant.

Eastern European countries did not know what "honest" meant.

Western European countries did not know what "shortage" meant.

China did not know what "opinion" meant.

Middle Eastern countries did not know what "solution" meant.

South American countries did not know what "please" meant.

The USA had no idea what "rest of the world" was supposed to mean.

 

[mlkco]

THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING?


A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.

A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years.

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months wai ting at red lights.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right.

The average person 's left hand does 56% of the typing.

The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.

The words 'racecar,' 'kayak', 'noon' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).

There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

There are more chickens than people in the world.

There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": ; tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."

There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins.

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself
__________________

 

[mlkco]

This isn't really funny but interesting. This is what 1 Trillion dollars look like
What does one TRILLION dollars look like?

 

[pidgiepoo]

An easy guide to keeping political news in perspective ...

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country, and who are very good at crossword puzzles.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country
but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the
country, if they could find the time -- and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a poor job of it, thank you very much.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's
running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who is running the
country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.

10.The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure if there is
a country or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they
stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped,
minority, feminist, atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from
any other country or galaxy, provided of course, that they are not Republicans.

11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.

12. The Seattle Times is read by people who have recently caught a fish and need something to wrap it in.

 

[bablawater]

Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here, such as emails jokes, videos or whatever!

Someone emailed this to me this am..thought it was cute....

Installing Husband


Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
distinct slow down in overall system performance - particularly in the
flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under
Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs,
such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed
undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes
the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but
not avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate

LOL. That was hilarious! You gave me a big laugh!

 

[inventor]

OK, I've figured it out...SCUBA is not a hobby, affliction, or addiction. It is simply a badly planned and executed Multi-Level Marketing scam, or Pyramid Scheme.

Think about it...
Discover SCUBA...the 'free seminar' to get you in.
OW/AOW...intro training levels, where you are introduced to the basics.
Gearing Up...you are encouraged to purchase expensive equipment to continue.
Certs...you pay for more classes and gear to 'move up to other levels'.
DM...you can now escort groups in further indoctrination practices.
Instructor...the level you eventually reach to bring others into the scheme!
Recruiting...we all try to bring our spouse/significant other/family/friends into the 'sport'.

In a properly executed MLM or Pyramid scheme, the higher up you are, the more you make. I don't know any instructors that actually turn a profit at this. And no matter how many sucker...uh, friends and family you bring in...it just keeps costing you more money! And they don't make any money either!

So, are we Dianetics or AmWay? L. Ron would be so disappointed.

 

[pidgiepoo]

PREGNANT AT 71
A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard. "What the heck is the matter with you?!" the older doctor demanded.??? Mrs Terry is 71 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?" The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups ??"

 

[pidgiepoo]

> If you can answer this correctly, you can answer the question on what action to take on raising the Federal debt ceiling.

> You come home from work and find there has been a sewer backup and you have sewage up to your ceilings.

> What do you do?

> a.. Raise the ceilings
> b.. Pump out the s***?

 

[Jax]

> If you can answer this correctly, you can answer the question on what action to take on raising the Federal debt ceiling.

> You come home from work and find there has been a sewer backup and you have sewage up to your ceilings.

> What do you do?

> a.. Raise the ceilings
> b.. Pump out the s***?

OMG, I am SO stealing this!!!!